In Search of Biscuit 2.0

ACK!

2010-03-02T11:05:00.003-06:00

So for some reason, it JUST hit me that I'm going to give birth in less than 2 months. I am now scared to death.

For those who don't know, our son Boo was born at 31 weeks via C-section. I was never allowed to go into labor. He was in the NICU for 6 weeks before coming home.

Now that we are having another, I realized that I have NO idea what giving birth is like. I am going to try for a VBAC. I just signed up for a Childbirth class today. (Nothing like waiting until the last minute, huh?)

Really, honestly, truly...I'm scared.
1. I've never had a "newborn" at home. Boo was trained to eat every 3-4 hours by the time he came home from the hospital. He didn't have to be held all the time b/c we weren't allowed. He was a GOOD baby once he was home, no crying jags, slept for 3-5 hours at a time ect.

2. Mr had colic...and I mean COLIC when he was a baby. His mother even said to me "I didn't think we were ever going to be friends until he was 8 months old" What if this one is like that?

3. I'm SCARED TO DEATH to give birth :oops: I want a VBAC, but I have no real idea what to expect. How am I going to be able to CARE for a newborn while I'm recovering?? What if I need an episiotomy? What do real contractions feel like?

4. Breastfeeding. I pumped with Boo, but never truly breastfed. SCARED :shock: How will I know what to do? How will I do this with Boo around? What if he's attatched to me all the time?

5. What am I going to do with Boo during all of this time? I mean he's a great kid and all, but he's SO used to being the center of attention, what is going to happen when I need to do two things at once? It will be summer! He'll be home all the time. ACK!

6. Am I too old to be doing this? For God's sake, I'm almost 39 and do I really have any business doing this? Is it going to be fair to him that his parents are retirement age when he's in HIGH SCHOOL?

Relax huh?

2010-02-23T09:15:00.003-06:00

I always hated hearing "if you just relax it will happen." Don't think this post will be a change for me. It won't.

What suprises me is that after struggling with Secondary IF for almost 4 years, then getting pregnant, I STILL HEAR IT! Now though, it's "I told you to relax, look what happened."

What those people (some of them family members) don't know is that we never stopped trying. When you are TTC and struggling, it's never far from your mind. No, we weren't in formal treatment, but I was doing accupuncture 1-2 times a week all through the summer. I knew exactly when I was ovulating and we were timing intercourse. That isn't exactly "relaxing and letting it happen." So it still bothers me to hear "I told you so." Really? Really? You have NO idea what I was doing because I stopped telling you! It was easier on my mental health to stop talking about it than to hear assvice from you.

When I told my family I was pregnant, I heard several "I told you so" comments. I had to stop myself from getting angry and just say "we weren't not trying, we just didn't tell you what we were doing." Sigh...I thought it would stop but I guess once you hear it, you will continue.

Checking in after a long time

2010-02-22T11:15:00.002-06:00

So it's been a while.

I am now 31 weeks, 2 days pregnant with a little boy. We call him Deuce (for now). He's kicking away as I type.

Today I am more pregnant than I've ever been! Boo was born at 31 weeks 1 day (his story is here somewhere if you want to look) He is now almost 5 1/2. He's very happy that he's about to be a big brother, although Momma and Dad are worried it's going to rock his world, a LOT.

I feel like I should have all kinds of things to say and tell you, but I'm rusty...very rusty.

I promise to update more, really, I do. I just need to figure out if I have anything to say that is worth reading....

I didn't mean to leave you hanging....

2009-08-25T13:01:00.002-05:00

I finally got some numbers yesterday afternoon.

Progesterone on Tues last week was 32.

HCG yesterday was 2963.

OH MY LORD, I'M PREGNANT!!!!!!

I'm going in for a "dating" ultrasound on 8/31.

In other news, Grant shot another commercial for the March of Dimes. I swear, he IS Ron Burgundy. I'll have to blog the story when I get a chance.

More later and lots more thoughts. I guess I'm back to blogging....if you will have me that is.

Limbo part two

2009-08-19T08:21:00.002-05:00

I demanded a progesterone test Monday.

I got a call yesterday that they only run those on Monday mornings and Thursdays...so no results until friday.

Starting to get frustrated. Don't they know that after 4 years I will need faster answers than that?

Makes me think twice about staying with this practice for the entire pregnancy.

Limbo

2009-08-17T18:07:00.005-05:00

And the wait is excruciating....

I called my doc yesterday and asked to have HCG and Progesterone tested. We've been trying almost 4 years for this and I just don't want to take chances or get hopes up if it's not real.

So after going to two labs yesterday I called to get results. The nurse said "well, it's positive but the number is low so we are going to have you go back in a week and do another blood test."

Wait, what? A week? So I asked what my numbers were. HCG was 59, they didn't do progesterone. "We'll be able to tell more in a week."

Gee, thanks. I"ve waited almost 4 years to see a positive and you are going to tell me this? Way to burst my bubble.

I called back later and insisted on having my progesterone drawn. I also had a friend look online (I was in an inservice all day) for HCG numbers. She found this:

At 14 DPO, the average HCG level is 48 mIU/ml, with a typical range of 17-119 mIU/ml.
* At 15 DPO, the average HCG level is 59 mIU/ml, with a typical range of 17-147 mIU/ml.
* At 16 DPO, the average HCG level is 95 mIU/ml, with a typical range of 33-223 mIU/ml.
* At 17 DPO, the average HCG level is 132 mIU/ml, with a typical range of 17-429 mIU/ml.
* At 18 DPO, the average HCG level is 292 mIU/ml, with a typical range of 70-758 mIU/ml.
* At 19 DPO, the average HCG level is 303 mIU/ml, with a typical range of 111-514 mIU/ml.
* At 20 DPO, the average HCG level is 522 mIU/ml, with a typical range of 135-1690 mIU/ml.
* At 21 DPO, the average HCG level is 1061 mIU/ml, with a typical range of 324-4130 mIU/ml. * At 22 DPO, the average HCG level is 1287 mIU/ml, with a typical range of 185-3279 mIU/ml. * At 23 DPO, the average HCG level is 2034 mIU/ml, with a typical range of 506-4660 mIU/ml. * At 24 DPO, the average HCG level is 2637 mIU/ml, with a typical range of 540-10,000 mIU/ml

So since I'm likely about 14 or 15 DPO (yes, I don't temp...it makes me insane) then I'm okay, right?

So now I wait. And I obsess about every twinge. And I tell myself that if it's not going to grow that I'll live.

Right?

Limbo

(and I thank anyone who commented! Who knew that people still checked on me? Gotta love those feeds huh?)

Day Two

2009-08-16T08:44:00.003-05:00

Another test, a different kind. A positive, faint but there.

Still not 100% believing it...won't for a while I'm sure.

I'm going to call my doctor and ask for some blood work.

Cross your fingers, will ya?

Too scared to believe it....

2009-08-15T15:16:00.000-05:00

Grant becomes Q-C March of Dimes Ambassador

2009-04-06T09:44:00.004-05:00

Grant made the paper on Friday. Here's the link to the story. He is so excited to lead our March for Babies this year!

He was in a commercial to promote the walk. Last week while we were driving to the television station, we were talking about March of Dimes. He asked me "Mom, we are marching for all the babies in the world, right?" I told him we were. Then he said "Well Mom, if aliens have sick babies, I think we should help them too!"

He did a great job with the commercial. Apparently he has great timing. He learned his lines much better than I had anticipated and did a great job. They told us that it usually takes a few hours to do. We were in and out in about 45 minutes. Way to go Boo!

Please support our March for Babies. You can donate online at www.marchforbabies.org/grantsgang

Every little bit helps!

Rejected

2009-03-10T14:43:00.002-05:00

I got a letter last week saying that I was not accepted into the Librarian Grant program.

I'm more upset about it than I had thought I would be. I really thought my application would be accepted. The letter said that they needed to look at the distribution of where the teachers will be so that the whole state gets even coverage.

I'm considering asking to join in the cohort and pay for the classes. Mr and I have to sit down and look at financials in order to do that. I would apply for loans, but it's a pretty penny. Yes, I'll get a raise with the degree, so it may even out in the end.

I've never really been rejected like that before. It is a jolt to be told "thanks but no thanks."

Blah. My mood matches the weather now.

Overwhelmed

2009-03-04T15:02:00.003-06:00

Do you ever feel like you just can't keep up?

Lately this is all my life is about, trying to keep up.

So far this week, I have conferences at MY school, meetings downtown (one all day yesterday, one tonight), a city council meeting, a chiro appointment.

Tomorrow I have school all day, conferences as Boo's school and then after that I need to present at the Mother of Twins club for the March of Dimes.

Friday I have KDG round up and then I'm taking the rest of the day off...WHEW.

I'm not looking forward to the conference tomorrow. Boo's been kicked out of circle time or not done his work most of last week and this week. His teacher is back from maternity leave and it's not going well. He is now coming home and telling me how he is "not making good choices" every day. He tells me that school is "too much work." I'm frustrated.

My DCP tells me how wonderful he is there. He follows directions and makes great choices. He doesn't misbehave.

School is another issue altogether though. He doesn't want to do his work. He complains that it is "too much work." I'm torn.

As a teacher, I know the importance of following directions and doing what the teacher asks of you. But I also know that he's the youngest and he does NOT like to sit to write. He's very bright (even according to his teacher) He's complaining about going to school. One of my biggest fears is that he hates school. I DO NOT WANT that for him!! I'm so worried that this first experience with school is not good. Mr even got called at work about him last week. He shouted out "this is boring" during circle and flag time. He dumped his milk upside down at snack time and then wouldn't glue his puppet together.

We have been taking away "Speed Racer" (oh the horror for Boo!) and not letting him watch television if he gets a bad report, but at the same time, is it THAT important that he glue a page? Should it be THAT bad if he doesn't color his paper or write his "s"'s? Sigh....I don't know how much I should push about this. I'm considering suggesting another teacher/class...but as a teacher myself, I don't want to be THAT parent either.

How would you deal with this? How do you balance what you think is right vs. what the school is telling you?

Showing off

2009-02-27T09:15:00.002-06:00

I should wait until show and tell, but I can't.

We had the opportunity to work with a very talented Photographer, Shuva Rahim. She is amazing! She is able to capture personality on film. I cannot describe how my heart feels when I see the pictures she took of Boo, Mr and I. Here is a bit of a preview....

Accent Photo

I didn't want to copy the pic here without her permission but PLEASE visit her blog to see them!

I would recommend her to ANYONE in our area! She was wonderful to work with.

Why We March for Babies

2009-02-23T09:29:00.002-06:00

We are honored to be our area's Ambassador Family for the March of Dimes. This is the speech I gave at our kick off yesterday. I was able to make it through most of it without crying...
We March so someday every baby will have 40 weeks.

I’d like to take a few minutes to tell you our story and why the March of Dimes is so important to our family.

In August of 2004, I was pregnant, almost 28 weeks. It had been a normal pregnancy without many issues really. I didn’t even get morning sickness. Like any first time parents, Jeff and I were pretty excited. We were painting the nursery, well, Jeff was, and getting things ready but we weren’t in a hurry. I mean I was due November 13th…there was no rush, right?!

That all changed though on August 20th. I had been running around doing errands all day. I was tired and decided to lie down. When I got up, I realized I had some bleeding. The baby was moving around, so I wasn’t really worried. We’d had a something like this happen before and were told not to worry, but I decided to call the doctor just to let them know. They didn’t think it was anything but said I should come in to get checked anyway. What they found changed our lives quickly.

Through an ultrasound, the doctor discovered I had a condition called Vasa Previa. Our baby’s umbilical cord was attached to my cervix and bag of waters. Basically, we were told if my water broke, our baby would bleed to death even before an emergency C-section could be performed. They flew me to Iowa City to confirm the condition. I was given two rounds of steroids to help mature the baby’s lungs. I was sent home on bed rest and told that the baby would need to be delivered at 34 or 35 weeks. We were told that our goal was to get to at least 32 weeks the beginning of October. Even better would be if we could make it to 34 weeks. I was just turning 28 weeks at the time, and scared.

A few days later, I ended up in the hospital again under constant monitoring. We were walking the torturous line between wanting our child to have more time in utero and my water breaking, risking his life. We knew that every day we could wait before the baby was born could give him precious time to grown and develop. While I was in Iowa City, they showed us the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, so we’d know what to expect…but nothing really prepares you.

On September 12th, just 3 weeks after being diagnosed, I had more bleeding. It was quickly determined that the baby needed to come out now. I was terrified. I was only 30 weeks and one day! Jeff got there quickly and at 10:51 am, Grant Spencer was born! I got to see him for a moment just a glance really before they whisked him away to work on him. I heard him cry faintly, just one time. He was 4lbs 2oz and 17 inches long.

Jeff went with him to the NICU. I wanted someone to be with him. A few hours later, they took me to see him. The room was kept dim so that the lights didn’t over stimulate his nervous system. I couldn’t hold him. He was in an isolette. He was on a respirator and had several IV’s. I could hardly see his face through the tape holding the tubes in place. So I brushed the top of his head once, told him "Happy Birthday" and then had to leave.

Later that night, his doctor came to my room. He asked everyone to leave except Jeff. My heart sank, this wasn’t going to be good. He told us they had found evidence of hydrocephalus, water on the brain. That Grant would likely have to have surgery to put a shunt in to drain fluid to prevent brain damage. We were just, quiet. He told us that they’d repeat the test in a few days and then send him to Iowa City where they were better equipped to handle the situation.

The next morning, the nurses came in to tell me that there was a change in plans. Grant was going to Iowa City…NOW. Within an hour or so, it was all arranged. They quickly got me up and into a wheelchair. Jeff took me up to the NICU. They’d already loaded Grant’s isolette onto the stretcher. The Medics asked us if we had a picture, so we tucked a wallet size wedding photo of Jeff and I in next to him. That photo stayed with him the entire time he was in the NICU. They wheeled us into the elevator with him and then the medics asked Jeff to help them put Grant onto the helicopter. He joined me while we watched our son lift off, the wind rushing over our faces. It was then that I realized what time it was. At exactly 24 hours old, our son was flying away from us.

I was transferred to Iowa City so that I could be near him. When I arrived, we were greeted with the wonderful news that there was NO hydrocephalus. But accompanying that news were requests for blood transfusions, surfactant to help his lungs inflate, and information on how they were treating him for sepsis. It was going to be a long road ahead.

Grant suffered from Respiratory Distress Syndrome. His lungs simply weren’t mature enough yet to breathe on his own. He needed help breathing until they were. Grant was also hooked up to many machines. I had thought that I was prepared for all of this, but honestly, nothing can prepare you for seeing such a tiny person in the midst of all of that. I was afraid to touch him…and couldn’t hold him… not yet. He was so fragile, and tiny, and sweet. His fingers barely made it around Jeff’s thumb.

I was discharged from the hospital, but Grant was nowhere near ready. Going home without him was hard. Walking in the door of your house after giving birth should be joyous. But I cried when we pulled into the driveway. My son was an hour away. The nursery was empty. It wasn’t supposed to be that way.

When he was a week old, we were finally able to hold him. I’d SO been looking forward to this moment, see most mothers get to hold their newborns soon after they are born. Cuddle them; look at their beautiful faces, count fingers and toes. Parents of preemies don’t get to do that.
Instead, we leave the hospital without even being able to hold our miracles in our arms.

The morning of the big day, the nurse untangled all of Grant’s wires and gently placed him into my arms. He was so light, so tiny. She told me he could only be held for and hour at the most. Any more than that could over stimulate him and cause breathing issues. Since it was my birthday, Jeff let me have most of his time holding Grant. It was the best gift I’ve ever gotten.

Grant had his share of setbacks. The afternoon we first held him, he had several “Brady episodes”, forgetting to breathe. I heard the monitors go off and watched my son's lips turn blue as he struggled to breath. I could only watch as the nurses helped him. I was his mother, and I couldn't help.

He couldn’t handle breast milk for several weeks so he had to be fed through and IV. It took him a long time to learn to suck and digest food. Eventually, he did though. He began to put on weight.

Grant spent 42 days in the NICU. He came home 2 days before our first wedding anniversary. On our Anniversary, Jeff and I held him while we danced together to “Come What May”, our wedding song and our first dance as a family.Since then, Grant has continued to grown and thrives. His first year was full of ups and downs.

He developed asthma and later caught RSV, resulting in a hospital stay. We still need to watch him carefully as simple colds can quickly turn more serious. But we are also very lucky. Vasa Previa often goes undiagnosed until it's too late. Preemies born before 32 weeks have a high rate of bleeding in the brain and serious respiratory problems. Grant escaped most of that.

By the time he was 2, he was completely caught up in all his milestones. He’s 4 ½ now and talks our ears off. He amazes us every day with his ability to make us smile.

We volunteer for the March of Dimes because of the important work they do. The steroids to help strengthen Grant’s lungs and the Surfactant he received to help him breathe are a direct result of the March of Dime’s work. Without these advancements, our outcome could have been very different. We march now to help other babies.

Please support us in our March this year. The work the March of Dimes does is important to all babies.

My personal Web page address for donations is...http://www.marchforbabies.org/grantsgang

Show and Tell

2009-02-15T20:46:00.008-06:00

We have a special guest for Mel's Show and Tell this week.

This Photo Essay is brought to you by Boo. Take a peek into his 4 year old world. All photos shown exactly as taken by him. Included are: Daddy, cartoons, Lightning McQueen, the remote for the ceiling fan, his "baby" Evelyn, Miss Holly Berry on the china cabinet and his Kitty Bear. Enjoy!

My Favorite Things

2009-02-10T14:31:00.002-06:00

I am in the wait now to hear about the Teacher Librarian Grant. I have no idea if I'll be accepted. I can only hope.

At "theme night" saturday, we were talking about how each of us met our spouses. Mr and I met online. His best friend made the comment "Linda is everything he was looking for: redhead, glasses, and now she's going to complete the dream...librarian." I had to laugh.

But it also got me to thinking. If I get accepted, I'm committing to two years of pretty intensive work. I'll also have to finish up a few classes for my Reading Specialist at the same time. Busy busy. I am a full time teacher with a four year old. I'm already busy. Can I still do all that and try for another child?

I mean yes, technically I can try all I want, right? But really, in choosing to persue a career am I saying that I'm giving up? I don't remember giving up. What if it means I have? We aren't actively persuing treatment right now for financial reasons. Does not actively persuing mean we aren't trying? How did this happen that I don't know??

Do you feel sad that your kids won't be babies forever?

2009-02-05T09:32:00.007-06:00

A friend on my message board posed this question the other day. The longer time passes without become pregnant the more I think about this. Don't get me wrong, I want my child to grow up and become an independant person, but I also want to cuddle him every day. I love to see the new things he can do, the words he can read, the way he makes decisions for himself.

I also miss rocking him in the glider. I miss smelling his baby skin as his cheek rests on my shoulder. I miss that soft even breathing in my ear as he drifts into sleep. I even miss the NICU moments. The ones where I wasn't sure that I could get attatched to this little person, if he would live. I miss the magical moment when I first held him, so tiny and fragile. It was my birthday gift. The best one of my entire life. I miss every single challenge that was presented to us. I have regrets for not cherishing them more.

It does make me sad. I didn't realize at the time that it might be the last time I heard that sound or smelled that smell. Now I'm beginning to. I want to stop time, freeze it so that I can come back and experience that moment again. I wish I had known then how much I needed to etch those moments in my mind.

GREat....

2009-02-02T09:36:00.003-06:00

540 and 560 respectively.

Not too shabby.

Now just cross your fingers that I get accepted for the scholarship,

please??

Wordless Wednesday- Knitters gone wild

2009-01-28T13:31:00.002-06:00

Sunday Sunday Sunday

2009-01-25T12:18:00.004-06:00

We had friends over for dinner last night. We love to have people over...so when our friends asked if they could invite K and C, of course we said yes. Then we decided to make it a real party and asked S, J and N over too. This was all decided friday afternoon and yesterday morning. After power cooking and cleaning, Mr and I decided that we should use our heartrate monitors while cleaning...it can be a real workout...LOL! We also decided that we must like to entertain because we have all of the equiptment to handle dinner for that many at a moments notice, cloth napkins and all.

Don't let the napkin thing fool you though. It wasn't a formal dinner. Our crowd is the "everyone in the kitchen, hanging out, laughing and drinking" kind of crowd. Yes we use cloth napkins and I made fig and blue cheese tenderloin, but there was tons of laughing and joking around.

In all, we had 11 for dinner and they hung out and played a great game (Apples to Apples- FUN!) Boo loves it when we have people over. He was really good when playing with N, who will be 2 next week. He even got him "my favorite cars: the red Lightning, the Mach 6 with the 6 on the bottom and the WRX" it was really sweet the way they played together.

All in all a great night.

Today is a lazy day. I do need to grocery shop and prep meals for the week. Do you do this? It's something I've been in the habit of doing since we moved here. On sundays, I plan meals for the week and make a list. It's cut down on eating out and now I'm working on cutting down our grocery bill too.
I spread out any new magazines I have to look at around me. I subscribe to Cooking Light and Rachel Ray (don't watch the show, but the mag has good recipes!) then decide what Boo might eat, what Mr can eat (he does low carb...I know, I know...) and what sounds good to me. Not always an easy task. Then I make my list. This week it includes:

Cream of Broccoli soup with biscuits
Pork Vindaloo with Jasmine rice
Turkey Tacos with yellow rice
Broiled Tilapia Parmesan with carrots and sweet potatoes
Homemade Chicken Fingers with broccoli
Fig and Blue Cheese tenderloin with carrots

Sorry for the boring post, but this is my day today...LOL!

Taking the plunge!

2009-01-22T14:17:00.004-06:00

I'm signing up to take the GRE and ordering my transcripts to be sent today. I am actually applying for the grant! WOOOO School librarian here I come....

My principal told me today that she could "see me" in that role. I take that as a huge compliment. Our librarian here will be retiring in 2012 and I'd like to slip into that position. I'll still have to finish my Reading Specialist degree too as I need the endorsement. Next fall might be a might busy time!

Anyone have suggestions before taking the GRE? I'm taking the general one so I'll download the prep stuff. I'm not too worried, but the math is always scary to me.

Even Though I Don't Like Meme's, I am in the Mood...30 Things You (Probably) Already Know About Me...Or not.

2009-01-16T14:24:00.004-06:00

I am the youngest girl of 8 children. I have 5 brothers and two sisters and 22 nieces and nephews.
My parents call me the "oldest of the second family" as they had 6 in 7 years and then a ten year gap (mc's) and then me.
My older brothers and sisters voted on my name...hence my name is Linda Michelle. If my mother had won, I'd be a "Shelley."
I am a knitter. I learned to knit when I came back from my maternity leave after Boo was born. I knit a lot while pumping.
I have freckles. My "name" littleangelkisses comes from my father. When I'd complain about my freckles, he'd tell me they were angel kisses.
Mr and I met via the internet.
I eat wierd things. I like fried chicken livers. I also adore tomato sandwiches on white bread with miracle whip. When I'm sick I eat SpagettiO's warm on white buttered bread.
I am a 6th and 7th grade reading teacher.
I teach in a very low SES school.
I have been at the same school for the entire time I've been teaching.
I've been at the same job for 12 years.
I am the only child in my family to graduate from college.
I have a Master's endorsement in ELL and am almost finished with my Masters in Reading.
I am applying for a grant to University of Iowa for Teacher Librarians.
Mr and I have been married 5 years.
I often invite people over to my house for dinner because I need to clean the house and can't get motiviated.
I am a good cook but hate to bake.
I used to be a restaurant manager at a 24 hour restaurant. ICK
We are going to be the March of Dimes Ambassador Family for 2009 in our area.
My favorite book is Gone with the Wind. It's the only book I've read many times. I found it in our basement after the nuns at school told us we couldn't order it from the Scholastic Book orders!
I didn't see the movie Gone with the Wind until I had graduated from High School.
I went to Catholic schools from Kindergarten through college.
My sister and I look so much alike that in my wedding pictures, my students asked me if we were twins. (not so fun as she's 12 years older than I am!)
I used to work in a jewelry store. I was good at that!
I don't have very many close close friends.
I have a propensity to pop any zit I see on myself or Mr. He hates this.
I was a virgin until I was 22.
I didn't even have a first kiss until I was 21!
I've lived in Iowa for 14 years.
My real first name is Linda.

BRRRR....Baby it's cold outside!

2008-12-22T16:36:00.003-06:00

Windchill today is -15 or so. I finally got back this afternoon from my parent's house. There was a blizzard warning yesterday, so Boo and I stayed over. We were to have come home from Wisconsin yesterday but decided not to chance it.

It's nice to go to Mom's and be babied! My mom is a great cook, so there was no need to do that. I did make it out to their mall to get some shopping done, sas Boo. That was nice. We watched old Jodi Foster movies and played Five Crown. Sigh...it was good to be home.

Grandma and Grandpa adore Grant. You'd think with SO many grandchildren....but they love him and he loves them. They taught him how to play "Dot Dominos" (as opposed to Car's Dominos), they played Go Fish and taught him War. Grandma has more cookies than a bakery....he was in heaven!

Today it's back home and back to reality. Shopping, cleaning, wrapping...but that extra day was a nice break for me.

Show and Tell

2008-12-14T21:35:00.004-06:00

This is our tree this year. I didn't like the way it looked, I don't know why. But the more I look at it, the lights illuminating the ribbon, the more I like it. I'm pretty proud of it!

Last night we had a "holiday party." Although not too many people came (I sent out invites too late) we had a great time. Food, friends, a few games of Five Crown....what can I say?

Our friends invited some of their friends to come (hey, the more the merrier I say!) Chris kept staring at the tree, telling me how beautiful it was....to which my husband said "yeah, I'm married to Martha Stewart, didn't Bob tell you?"

Guess I did okay huh?

Now, go post your own SHOW AND TELL! I want to see what ya got!

Snow removal for hire...anyone interested?

2008-12-10T08:57:00.006-06:00

In order to keep from thinking about the email I had to send to our clinic postponing our cycle until further notice....

Anyone need help shoveling??

I love this kid!

I was going to fire up the snow blower when I got home. I didn't get it started, but Boo was having so much fun in the snow that I pulled out the snow shovel. He wanted one, so I handed him on. He actually shoveled about 1/8 of the driveway!!

What to do?

2008-12-08T15:13:00.004-06:00

I was cleaning and organizing yesterday for a holiday party we're having this weekend. I bleached the kithen counters. (Who was it that thought white tile with white grout on a kitchen counter was a good idea?) Then moved to organizing.

I was working on the downstairs bookcase, going through things that had been piled there, when I came upon the pictures of our embryos. I'd had Mr put them up for me after the negative blood work last March. But here they were, staring me in the face.

I looked at them for a few minutes, re-reading the embryologist's notes. I looked long and hard at teh pictures, what I was looking for I don't know. Answers of some kind, I'm sure. Maybe a message or a hint as to why, but there were no answers to be found.

I put them up, hid them really. I don't quite know what to do with them. What do you do with pictures of embyos that didn't implant? I can't see scrapbooking them. I can't imagine throwing them away.

What did you do with yours?

Show and Tell Festival of Trees

2008-12-07T11:00:00.005-06:00

Festival of Trees

For Show and Tell today, I'm showing our pictures of Festival of Trees. I hope that Mel doesn't mind that it's not an "object" but an observation.

Festival of Trees is a local tradition around our area. We hadn't taken Boo in the past few years because we weren't sure how he'd like it. As you can see, he loved it! He frosted cookies, played games, looked a beautiful trees. The highlight for him was listening to a children's choir perform and getting a chance to run the electric train set.

This time of year makes me wish I were a child again. There is so much holiday stress anymore, but taking him to Festival of Trees made me realize that we can all be like kids....just enjoy the magic in THEIR eyes!

Yesterday was St. Nicolas day. My mother used to fill our stockings with a bit of candy and new mittens and hats. When Boo woke yesterday, next to his shoes under the tree were new slippers and some chocolate and a coloring book. Now he's asking all the time how soon Santa will be here. His wonderment makes me smile!

Hitting me where it hurts...

2008-12-05T12:54:00.003-06:00

Boo's teacher is now out on bed rest in anticipation of her baby being born. I know that this means they've been talking about it in school. I'm not nearly as neurotic as I used to be about it. He has a long term sub and we've talked a little about Mrs. J having her baby.

So all this talk of the baby at school led to this conversation last Saturday.

I wasn't feeling well as I'm getting a cold. We went to Micky D's after dropping my car off to get detailed. I was rubbing my forehead because of my sinus infection.

As we are eating, Boo looks at me and says

Mom, I know what you need!
Really, what's that?
You need a BABY! No, you need two babies, a boy baby AND a girl baby!
Then he says...
Mom, you need a baby to hold and cuddle, that would make you feel better. I could help you take care of them. Then I'd be a BIG brother! I'd be a good big brother, wouldn't I?

Ahh...to be that innocent. He's also said this past week After Christmas, babies come Mom! That will be so nice to have a baby.

Boo is so innocent and loving. He WOULD make an amazing big brother! He cares about others, he gives love unconditionally. He is genuinely interersted in other people and wants them to know him. He has no idea and I love him for that. I admire his faith and outlook. I need to adopt a little of it myself it seems.

Apparently I'm a mess......

2008-12-03T11:22:00.004-06:00

I had my "yearly" exam yesterday. The last one was done at U of I, so when I called, I got in to see the NP instead of the doc. No big deal, or so I thought.

I'd been dreading a little this for some reason. I knew going to the OB would mean being surrounded by pregnant women, but I thought I could handle it.

Not so much.

I had to update my paperwork since it had been 2 years since I'd been in the office. So I filled it out and grabbed a copy of Concieve magazine (where I found a reference to MEL at Stirrup Queens), trying to ignore the mulititude of pregnant women and their hubbies sitting in the waiting room. I get called up to pick up my insurance cards. When I return to my seat, it's been taken along with my magazine by an obviously pregnant woman! HELLO! YOU DON'T NEED THAT MAGAZINE, YOU ALREADY GOT PREGNANT!

Whatever

So I get called back and the NP does all of the preliminary work.
Then she says to me "do you have any concerns we should discuss before I take a look?"
Do I have concerns? Let me think, do I have concerns that it's been 3 years, 4 IUI's, 5 rounds of Clomid and a clinic IVF trial and I'm STILL not pregnant....???
"Umm, no I guess not"
She chuckles and says "you had to think a minute huh?"
This is where I tear up...
"Well, we've been trying for 3 years to have another child. We've been to an RE and to University of Iowa and are now trying to figure out if we can financially afford to do another IVF cycle...." Deep breaths so she can't see the tears.
"Oh, well I'm sure they'll be able to help you."
She does the exam, everything looks fine and she ends with "I guess you don't need any birth control then, right?"
WTF, no I don't
"No, no meds needed."
"Well, I'm sure the next time I see you, you'll be pregnant"

Yeah, right.

I made it to the car before the tears came at last.
Why was this so hard? It's not like I've not been around pregnant people. It's not like I haven't been to a doctor before and discussed this. After 3+ years, this should get easier shouldn't it? I'm a big girl and pretty good about handling it most of the time. Yet, there I was, sitting in my car with tears streaming down my eyes.

If the trial had worked, I'd have a baby. My due date would have been 2 weeks ago. Is it starting to catch up with me? Who knows. I called Mr. and cried to him. Then I went shopping.

Ambassadors

2008-11-24T10:17:00.003-06:00

Our family has been chosen to be the 2009 March of Dimes Ambassador Family for our area. We are honored to have been chosen. Boo represents the best possible outcome for preemies. I want to make sure that everyone knows that we realize that we are incredibly lucky.

I had to write "Grant's Story" in less than 350 words. GAH! How can I possibly describe learning that your child may die at birth, seeing bright red blood, hearing him cry for the first time, watching him lift off in a helicopter before I even got to touch him for the first time, watching him turn blue, hearing the monitors alarm, holding him for the first time, dreading the news from the nurses, giving him his first bath, watching him struggle to eat, looking at him smile, and all of the worry and fear of his first few year....in less than 350 words????

Here's what I came up with:

In August 2004, as first time parents, we were thinking about our nursery. Our baby was due November 13th, we had plenty of time. Little did we know we’d have 3 short weeks before meeting him. August 20th, we found out that I had a condition called Vasa Previa. If my water broke, our child would bleed to death before an emergency C-section could be performed. We were lucky enough to have a sonographer and doctor that caught this rare condition. I was air lifted to Iowa City immediately. After confirming the condition, I was sent home on bed rest. I ended up back at Genesis soon after for constant monitoring. We were walking the torturous line between wanting our child to have more time in utero and risking my water breaking. Our doctors supported us; we wouldn’t be where we are now without them.

Grant Spencer Smithson was born 9 weeks early on September 12, 2004. He was 4lbs, 2oz. At 24 hours old, Grant was airlifted to Iowa City because of suspected hydrocephalus. This was an incredibly hard moment. Although hydrocephalus was ruled out soon after he arrived, Grant had many issues to overcome. He received blood transfusions, surfactant for his lungs, and antibiotics. He was treated for Sepsis and, despite having received steroids in utero; he suffered from Respiratory Distress Syndrome.

We were not able to hold him until he was a week old. Holding Grant for the first time on my birthday was the best gift I’ve ever received. Our small family went through many trials that month. Grant, mom and dad rode the rollercoaster that is NICU for 42 days. He came home two days before our first anniversary.

Although he was behind in his milestones for the first two years, Grant is now a precocious preschooler who is caught up to his peers. He loves playing with cars of any kind and riding his BMX bike. He talks our ears off, amazes us with his insights and he is the joy of our lives.

Rejoicing

2008-11-04T22:21:00.003-06:00

It's a new day.

HOPE! Don't ever underestimate the importance and significance being able to inspire a nation to HOPE again.

Chugging on

2008-10-21T18:11:00.002-05:00

We've been preapproved for our loan that we'll use for our IVF. It amazes me that we are borrowing this amount of money in order to get pregnant. But a friend told me "You pay more than that for a car, and that' s just a CAR."

That's a good point! A car is nothing in comparison.

There's been stress at school....what's new? While I've decided not to be walked all over, I'm also not going to push something just to make a point. It's not worth it in the long run. My principal backs me and that's all that matters. If the secretary doesn't like me, that's her problem. I'm not going to make it much of mine.

Boo is doing well at school for now. I emailed his teacher yesterday and she reports that he's making progress. He's making an effort in his journal. (Let's not go into what I think about requiring a FOUR YEAR OLD to journal!)

So I'm chugging on. Hopefully I'll have updates on my cycle soon.

Show and Tell

2008-10-19T18:07:00.004-05:00

This is what I did this weekend! I haven't scrapbooked since Boo was 9 months old! I attended Croptoberfest on Saturday with a friend because I knew how very far behind I was. I finished 12 pages AND a calendar! I am so glad I went.

What was really neat was that Boo and Daddy and I read Boo's scrapbook before he went to bed. He really liked pointing out things in the pictures. He loved the pictures of himself in the hospital too. What a sweetie!

It's Official!!

2008-10-17T21:38:00.003-05:00

We recieved our letter today telling us that we've qualified for the Shared Risk program!

This is great news for us. Now we just need to get our loan paperwork rolling.

It's funny how things work out isn't it? On my message board group, we've had a rash of unexpected pregnancy announcements. Several of these women are now on their second child since I've been trying...it was getting to be pretty depressing.

But it is beginning to look up around here!

When we left our heroine

2008-10-09T21:30:00.003-05:00

She was busy with birthdays.

Since then, lots has happened, so here's a quick recap...

AF showed last friday (boo!)

I went for my U/S to check follicles. I needed 12, I had EXACTLY 12! (yes!)

I've gotten notes home from school about Boo. Let me count them....btwn notes, emails and phone calls, that makes 7 in the last 3 weeks. One good, the rest not so much.

He doesn't like to draw, color or cut. He is now refusing to do so. So they are sending his work to the after school program he attends. He tells me he doesnt' know why he doesn't do them, but if pushed he says it's too hard.

It came to a head last night. I mean for Goodness Sake, he's FOUR! He just turned four, and they are punishing him for not COLORING! SIGH....

I talked with his teacher on the phone today. While I don't agree with her emphasis on this, as he's following all other directions, I am going to give it a bit more time. She's going to give immediate feedback for success. (he earned a prize for writing in his notebook today) I insisted he get an OT referral.

He has 4 days off, so that will be a nice break.

I have more to write on this....but I need to gather my thoughts first. Right now though, I'm going to relish the fact that we are going to Chicago this weekend as a family!

Ahh..September...

2008-09-22T19:52:00.002-05:00

September is a busy month round here.

7 birthdays in a span of 3 weeks.

Today is the last, my dad is turning 76!

Happy Birthday Dad!!

Time flies

2008-09-18T21:11:00.003-05:00

My 37th birthday is tomorrow (well, in a few hours actually)

This day last year was my egg retreival for the trial. Wow, that year went fast....

Thirty seven....I don't feel that old! It's all in how old you feel, right? I have been finding some old HS friends on facebook. Our 20th (GASP) year class reunion is next year. I can't believe how old some of them look. I sure don't feel as old as they look.

The ultimate test...

2008-09-16T21:19:00.003-05:00

So I promised, a long time ago, an update on the babymaking scene.

In July, we closed on our other house, freeing up money to get caught up on bills. In August we talked with the bank about taking out a loan to do IVF again. We wanted just the preliminary numbers. They looked good.

So at the end of August, I emailed my contact at my clinic. She is the one who I went through everything with the trial for. She got me in touch with the financial person who sent me information on the Iowa Warranty program. After much thought, we decided to move forward.

I called the clinic yesterday to ask about setting up initial appointments to see if we'll qualifiy. I am to call Day 1 of the next cycle to get in for bloodwork and an ultrasound.

Here's the catch. I must have at least 12 antral follicles to qualify for the warranty program. When I went in for the trial, I had 9. (the very first appointment, the next appointment I had 14) Because of this, it's really a crap shoot. Will I have the required 12?

If I don't, then we will (and it's taking me a very long time to type this) quit persuing treatment. We can't/don't feel right about persuing treatment at the amount it costs without knowing that we'd have some money left for other pursuits.

sigh...it hurts to type that, but it's true.

More later.....

Perfect Moment Monday

2008-09-15T21:34:00.005-05:00

My perfect moment from this week was Friday morning. I came home from the gym to get Boo up.

*
Wake up Boo, it's your birthday!
Is it my special day Mom? Is it my birthday?
It is Boo, you are FOUR today!
(giggle, giggle, hee hee) YAY! Oh Thank you Mom!
For what?
For my birthday!
You are welcome sweet boy, you are welcome!

Clearly, I have issues

2008-09-02T21:11:00.002-05:00

We met Boo's Pre-K teacher on new student orientation night. Then I wasn't sure but to at Unpack your Backpack....it's obvious she's pregnant.

For some reason this really upsets me. I think it's because he's going to bond with this woman, he's going to hear about her having a baby, he's going to see her stomach grow. There will be questions for me. I know there will, one of them being "are you going to have a baby Mom?" He's never been around someone day in, day out who is pregnant. He's seen pregnant women but never someone that he's had a real close relationship with.

I have issues clearly as I am dreading this. I really am.

I'm a horrible mom huh? I don't want him around someone who is pregnant because I can't be.
I'm terribly jealous that he will experience this with her and not with me.

As I said, I have issues.

Gosh it stinks to lose your blogger password!!

2008-09-01T21:47:00.001-05:00

It really stinks! But all is fixed now.

News and posts to come soon....if anyone is still reading that is.

Baby it's hot outside....

2008-07-21T14:12:00.002-05:00

It's been humid and hot here this past week....blech. I did manage to get Boo to the Zoo on thursday last week, which resulted in momma forgetting to put sunscreen on her tummy. OUCHIE OUCH OUCH!

The Silent Auction and Trivia night went well! The event raised a total of over 10,000 for Parker and his family! Special thanks to Mel for donating ad space on her blog. Jen, of Two Knit Monkey fame bid on it! GO VISIT THEM!!

We got a bill from U of I today! Wierd since everything was to have been covered by the trial. Apparently the paperwork didn't get renewed since it went to a new year. I think I have it fixed now, we'll see.

This month we are still TTC. As usual...sigh.

I'm also part of a Biggest Loser group on a message board. I've lost a little over 5 pounds in 2 weeks. Not as much as I'd like to have, but ya know...I"d really like to snap my fingers and have 15 lbs gone, LMAO. I don't have that much to lose. I am working out a lot more though. I have a funny biking story, maybe I'll tell you all some day.

Summer time

2008-07-03T16:44:00.003-05:00

It's been a busy summer so far and it's FLYING by! I know I've been a very bad blogger lately, but keeping up with Boo has been hard. This kid is too funny, very social and way to smart!

So quickly to get caught up....

I'm in the 2WW....both happy face and frown, if you know what I mean. I'm using progesterone cream, we'll see if that helps.

I'm going to Nashville next week for a school conference. I'm looking forward to it and dreading it at the same time. You know how those work thing are, right?

Mr turns 37 the day after I get back, so I have to get on the ball for his gifts! I'm planning some surprises for him, let's see if I can make them work.

We closed on the house tuesday! WOOOO HOOOO! We actually got more that we thought as we owed less than we had calculated on it. YAY! So we're paying things off and the moving forward to more treatment (IVF). We'll just have to see how things work out.

I'm also helping out a little with a benefit for a family we know. The Pruitts' son Parker was diagosed with histiocytosis in March. There will be a trivia night to help them out the with tremendous costs of treatment. I'm helping to get donations for a silent auction. If you would like to donate, please let me know. If you are local and would like to come out and have a fun night for a good cause, check the link and sign up!

More later....swim lessons, dinner and shopping for new shoes (not for me, darn it) calls!

****Edited to add***

Parker was diagnosed with Langerhans Cell Histiocytosis. It is a rare blood disorder that mimics cancer and produces too many white blood cells. It affects organs in the body. Parker's skin, lungs and other organs have been affected. He's currently undergoing a series of chemotherapy to treat the disease. If the histiocytosis gets under control, he has a 60% chance of recovery. It is anticipated that he'll undergo chemo for a year. He is now 6m old and nearing the end of the first 12 weeks of treatment. He is doing well, but the mounting hospital bills and insurance is taking a financial toll on the family. That is why a fundraiser has been set up.

Let's Catch Up, Shall We?

2008-06-18T09:58:00.003-05:00

Let's see...

School is OVER! WOOOO! For the first time in a long time (over 4 years), I am neither taking a class or teaching this summer. Boo is pretty happy about this as is Mr. I am enjoying being home and being busy. Mr thinks this is great as the house is clean, lunch and dinner are ready when he gets here and the laundry is done. (Something unheard of in this house)

Boo asks me every morning, "It's just me and you today right?" *melt* We are keeping busy at Tot Lot, story time and the gym. Boo is crazy riding his bike all over. He asks me all the time "I'm a BMXer, right Mom?" He's getting there, that's for sure!

The weather here has finally cleared up. It's 75-80 and sunny! We are not affected directly by the flooding, but it's bad here. Thank Goodness the rain stopped. It was dicey last Thursday night. We had water in the basement because our sump couldn't keep up with the rain! Pretty nasty stuff, but it seems we are out of the woods for now.

As for TTC stuff....of course AF showed up promptly (booooo) so on to another month. Sigh....

BUT in other news!! WE SOLD THE OTHER HOUSE! Although it's not enought to go straight to IVF, we'll come out okay and not be paying that extra 750 a month! We close on it July 1st, whew~ good stuff....hopefully by the end of the summer we'll have financial stuff figured out to get going again. Yay for a bit of hope huh?

Well, enough for now...how about a pic or two? (arg...can anyone explain how to place pics where I want them???)

UGH I suck!

2008-06-12T20:11:00.001-05:00

It's been an incredibly busy week....the end of school, trainings, entertaining a large group.

AND the blocked blogger from school last week! Can you imagine!!

Anyway, tomorrow and saturday are my days to get caught up with NaComLeavMo. I suck right now, so my apologies.

I promise a new post and LOTS of comments in the next few days.

Show and Tell

2008-06-01T22:57:00.003-05:00

So my husband and I have had one of those weekends...you know, the kind where no matter what, you end up bickering and arguing even though you don't want to, over little stupid things even.

So in order to remind myself that Mr. is a good guy, I am choosing this as my "show and tell" this week.

This picture is from Valentine's day two years ago. I forgot to take a picture this year, but this is one of our traditions now. Those are M&M's in my favorite colors (of the time) surrounding my gift. This last year, he wrote out LOVE with dark chocolate peanut M&M's...the V being a heart filled with truffles. See, he does love me and can be romantic at times. One year for V day, he bought me a candle and then surrounded it with CD's of my favorite 80's tunes in the shape of a flower.

He's a good man, I need to remember that when we bicker!

Well, you can tell he's the youngest....

2008-05-30T12:00:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was "graduation" from New Blues for Boo. It was cute and fun. The two classes performed several songs. After each one, Boo would ask loudly "did you see that Dad? Did you like it?" Everyone laughed.

As usual, he didn't sit very still. He was loud. He's three and a half.

His teachers though told us, five or six times. "Well, he's the youngest. You can tell." They also told us that he's kind, generous, funny and sweet. But what I heard over and over was "you can tell he's the youngest."

I'm a little upset over it. I KNOW he's the youngest. But get over it! The class was for 3 year olds. He turned 3 in September.

This of course caused a blow up for Mr. and I. It took it as proof that we should go with my plan....Pre-K next year at L.des and then Kdg prep the year after. With my plan, he'll be turning 6 when he starts Kdg. Mr is against it. His argument is that Boo is starting to read words now. I get that. I am a teacher dear.

Everyone (and I do ask everyone) that I won't regret not sending him but that I may regret sending him early. I do NOT want him to be "that kid." The one who isn't able to behave, who is constantly in trouble. The damage from that label (which has been applied already it seems) is much bigger in my eyes than having him be "too smart" for his class. I'm much rather having him in T.A.G than be in the office b.c of problems.

I can tell he's the youngest, but he's also bright and funny and he holds my heart.

Only child

2008-05-28T09:26:00.005-05:00

Mr. is an only child, sort of.

Up until a little over 3 years ago, he thought he was an only child.

Mr.'s mother and father were divorced. His mother got very sick the summer I was pregnant with Boo. I spent much of the summer in New Mexico taking care of her. She died one week after Boo was born, my birthday and the first day we were able to hold Boo. She never met Boo.

Mr.'s father came to visit us when Boo was 6 months old. He was sick at the time, over the previous summer, he came to find that his thymus cancer had returned. Several days before Boo was born, he suffered a massive heart attack. We didn't find this out until the night Boo was born. (for more on this story....)

He stayed with us for a week. The morning of the last day here, I was getting ready for school. Mr. had already taken Boo to the sitter. FIL came to me and told me that he didn't know if he should tell Mr. as it wasn't the right time, but he wanted me to know and decide when to tell Mr. something important.

He told me that when he met MIL, she was pregnant. She gave birth to a baby boy about 3 years before Mr. was born. She gave him up for adoption. FIL was telling me this because although he had promised MIL, he felt Mr. had the right to know that he had a half brother out there somewhere. I told him that I wouldn't tell Mr. right away and I'd let him know when I thought Mr. should know.

Of course I went to school that day, thought it over and decided that I couldn't keep a secret like that from my husband. I told him when he got home. He had just put FIL on a plane back to St. Simons. He was upset, understandably so...he said he'd always wished for a brother. He also was worried that the reason FIL told me this was so that someone would know.

Later that year, Mr. finally talked with FIL about it. I remember Mr. taking notes while on the phone with FIL. (Mr. only talks on speakerphone, don't ask....) This was early December. FIL gave as many details as he could remember.

FIL passed away December 29th.

Mr. is an only child. He thinks sometimes that he would like to find this brother, but is sort of afraid to. What he wants, he doesnt' have. He wants someone that can tell him what he was like as a child. He wants someone to remember the good times and bad times with him. His grandfather passed away a few weeks after FIL. His grandmother is 85 and not doing particularly well.

Mr. doesn't want Boo to have to go through this. Boo shouldn't have to decide to stop life support by himself. He shouldn't have to balance taking care of parents on opposite sides of the country. He wants there to be someone here for Boo after we are gone. My parents in over 75. They won't be here to support Boo when he's our age.

We don't want Boo to be an only child.

Why hello there...

2008-05-27T10:16:00.003-05:00

I'm loving Nacomleavmo , a lot. It's nice to know that someone is actually reading this.

So here's a brief synopsis of me....

I'm Linda. I've been married to Mr. for almost 5 years (eek!) Yes, we met online (aww) We have one son, Boo. He was born early at 31 weeks due to a rare condition called Vasa Previa . I am a 7th grade reading teacher who is working towards her master's in Reading. I am also a knitter and cook.

My mother took DES while pregnant with me. While we only tried 7 months to get pg with Boo, we've been trying to add to our family since winter '06.

We consulted with an RE in winter '07. After 4 failed clomid/IUI cycles and being diagnosed as "unexplained" we decided to participate in an egg cryopreservation trial. We barely made the cutoff for age, but decided to go for it and save our insurance in case it failed.

My eggs were retrieved for the trial and 6 were frozen (unfertilized) the day before I turned 36, the end of September. Two weeks later, we found out that our IF insurance would be cancelled by Mr.'s company November 1st. (yeah, good decision to wait and use insurance later huh?)
After several setbacks, the eggs were thawed in March. Three fertilized and all looked great when they were transfered. But alas, none implanted.

We are now trying to get the money together to do a fresh IVF cycle and trying it on our own.

So that's me in a nutshell....

Welcome....

The final countdown....

2008-05-22T10:38:00.002-05:00

Counting today there are 11 days of school left, with students, 12 teacher days.

I am so ready for this school year to be over. At the same time, it is hard to believe the year has gone so fast.

This was the school year I was supposed to be pregnant. The entire year, I had to think about how to schedule appointments around school, when I would be gone for appointments, egg retrieval, transfer.

Then came April...suddenly it's all over. Since then time has flown by.

I need a fresh start. Maybe the summer will provide that

Show and Tell

2008-05-19T11:40:00.002-05:00

I am a knitter. I still call myself a knitter although I've not been a good one lately. Knitting though is forgiving. You can put a project down and come back to it later. (I tend to do this a bit to much and have resolved not to do so anymore)

This picture is a show and tell, literally. It was taken to show the progress on my "two socks on two circs" that I turned the heels on simultaneaously! I was SO proud of them! We took this picture at my local "Stitch and Bitch" group last spring.

When I first met these ladies, I would never have guessed how comfortable I would be around them. At first glance, it seems like I'd not have much in common. I am younger than they are. I have a young child and most have grown children and grandchildren now. But these women are amazing. They welcomed me, taught me and became my friends.

I feel bad lately because I've not been able to attend S&B much this year. My master's classes have prevented it. Now that it's summer though, I'm going to strive to attend more often. I'm also planning to host a weeknight wine and knit with them. It's always a lively time.

I learned to knit about 3 years ago. I had just come back to school after the birth of my son. It had been traumatic to say the least. I was going to have to come back to a building that I wasn't sure welcomed me. I had had a major falling out with a person I had considered my close friend. we had a new principal. My mother in law passed away a week after Boo was born at 31 weeks. My FIL had a major heart attack. I had not even seen many people since June of the year before. I was shell shocked and scared. The few weeks after I came back to school, our media specialist sent out an email about teaching us to knit. I had crocheted (my Grandma Anne taught me) but never knitted. Knitting kept me focused while I pumped. I loved it then and still do.

Well said...I hadn't thought of that

2008-05-16T10:37:00.003-05:00

Through Mel's Friday Blog roundup, I found this post by JoySuzanne about how to support others. As I read through the suggestions, I realized that I hadn't really thought about WHY people aren't able to support others.

It reminded me of a phone conversation I had with my mother last week. She said that my SIL was worried about me because we hadn't been talking on the phone much lately. I confided that I am sort of avoiding her because of the "assvice" I get. (remember the "at least you didn't HAVE a baby and then the baby got sick) I haven't been calling her much because I can't handle the comments. I love her dearly...I hope she knows that...but I have a hard time when she makes comments that hurt. She doesn't mean them, but they still hurt.

So my mom agrees about the comments at first then launches into a ten minute lecture about how if "you would just relax, you are making too much of this. You need to forget about it and you'll get pregnant"

I wanted to scream. We have been TTC for over 2 1/2 years! We've had 4 Clomid IUI's unsuccessfully. We've gone through a clinical trial with really good embryos and lost them all. In between all of that, we've been trying naturally. This isn't going to just be solved by relaxing. At the very least, we've got to time our intercourse. Throwing caution to the wind isn't going to do much. It's not like I'm the Virgin Mary and am going to magically wake up pregnant.

But reading this made me think...

Look at your own stuff. If you find yourself feeling irritated or impatient with your friend, if you think she should just "relax" or that she should just "let it go," you may have feelings of your own on the subject. If for whatever reason you discover that supporting your friend or family member is too hard or seems to cause you stress, step back. Infertility is a deep issue and kicks up feelings in people who have not been touched by it, and if your own stuff is making it hard for you to support your friend, don't try to suppress your own feelings. You might end up being one of those "bad friends" we all blog about. Infertility is a friendship-killer. This is often a problem with mothers and daughters, or sisters, or best friends; someone else's stuff is enmeshed with our own.

I know my mother suffered from many miscarriages between my next older brother and myself. I wonder what "stuff" there is that makes her say "just relax."

It makes me a bit paranoid too...are they saying this because they don't think I can handle another child? Is it a judgement about my parenting? About my marriage?

I think that's why when we struggle with IF we get so angry and the comments. They might be about someone else's "stuff" but since we can't answer so many physical questions (at least for me) we then begin to question what others think too.

More later ....

Wouldn't this be a good solution?

2008-05-15T13:45:00.003-05:00

Several bloggers have posted about the Duggar Family expecting number 18....

I tend to side with "aren't they just showing off now?" It's frustrating that they are able to get pregnant so easily. I won't comment on the fact that they are going to have EIGHTEEN children to look after...there are lots of strong opinons on that. I just wish it were easier for women who WANT to have children to have them.

Then today on my message board, it was posted that Angelina confirms she's having twins.

Geesh...

It's sort of like the saying "the rich getting richer."

But in our discussion, one woman posted this

I think about this all the time.... I wish i could give you my uterus.. God knows I'm done with it... too bad there wasn't a way we could pass them around when we're done!!! I would SOO do that!!

Isn't that an interesting idea? I'd give mine (if it were working properly) to another woman in my situation in a heartbeat.

The plan

2008-05-13T12:11:00.002-05:00

I am a planner. I need to have some idea of what is going to happen. Now I admit to not planning WAY in advance, but I have to have it worked out in my head at least.

So the plan for this month is:

Green Tea and EPO until Ovulation

Raw honey in my tea each day.

Use OPK's (the devil's sticks I tell you)

Lots of shagging

Bromelian after O
switch from EPO to Flax oil
switch from Green Tea to Red Raspberry leaf tea

Cross my fingers

Yeah, this low tech thing....so exciting huh?

Of life and loss

2008-05-07T09:27:00.002-05:00

Bennett is here. He is doing as well as can be expected. He scored well on his apgar and is a fighter, like his mother!

I know the journey this family is facing. Any parent with a child in the NICU soon realizes what a wild ride it is. There will be highs and lows ahead, joys and disappointments. The time will both fly by and at the same time, there will be hours that seem like days. Just thinking of the journey ahead for them takes me back to that time in my life when Boo was there.

Another friend online lost her son yesterday. Isaac had medical issues but this was a sudden thing. My heart breaks for their loss. I cannot fathom loosing a child. Tonia put it beautifully :
This isn't something parents are supposed to have to do. My kids are supposed to outlive me. I knew Isaac wasn't going to have the life that other kids would, but I didn't have any idea we would only have him for this short time.
Please keep both families in your thoughts.

I promise to blog about other things soon...not much happening in TTC world right now...

Support Request

2008-05-05T10:45:00.002-05:00

Please send your support to a fellow blogger.

Chantelle is new to the blogosphere.

She will be giving birth to Bennett today at 30 weeks, 4 days (I think that 's correct)

Chantelle's water broke at 24 weeks and she's been hospitalized since. She is an incredibly brave woman who has fought hard for this little one.

Let's show her how supportive our blogosphere really is!

Backlash...or full on attack

2008-04-23T08:27:00.002-05:00

Maybe I am naive...maybe I just didn't realize how much hatred there is towards those seeking fertility treatments...but I am just floored at the utter callousness of some people. I had no idea that lawyers out there feel this way. It drops my opinion of those who are supposedly so learned and charged with upholding our laws.

A woman I know from online is trying to get her law firm to consider adding IF coverage in their benefits package. To that end, she asked an online lawyer forum to bring up the topic. I clicked over to read it and found statements like these:

If you can't have children, then god didn't want you to have them. Just like if he gave you small breasts or a big nose. No firms pay for breast enhancement (unless you consider a partner paying for a set for his assistant) or nose jobs. Stop playing around with mother nature.
For those that go through with IVF, I am guessing you want us all to contribute $10 per paycheck to care for the quadruplets, even though you will undoubtedly leave the firm once we pay you not to work for 12-18 weeks. Sounds like a really solid financial plan.

And this one...gotta love this one...

I think this thread is teaching us that the parents who are trying fertility treatments are precisely the type of blindly self-righteous and narcissistic people that we don't want polluting our gene pool. God/nature made you infertile. Take a hint.

This one sums it up nicely:
If you can't shit out a kid on your own, you shouldn't have one. Isn't that how nature is supposed to work?

I am surprised I guess that there is this much animosity towards those who are seeking IF treatment. A small part of me can understand not wanting to contribute to others through group medical plans, however these comments just left me feeling defeated.

I had no idea that infertiles were faced with such hatred and discrimination...

Here is the link to the comments by the way...the full force of them doens't hit you until you read through them...

http://abovethelaw.com/2008/04/biglaw_perk_watch_infertility.php#post-comment

This one takes the cake....

2008-04-17T14:25:00.003-05:00

I was talking to my SIL about the family with the 4 month old son who was diagnosed with histiocytosis, a rare blood/cell disease. The baby is going through several rounds of She knows them and so I was passing the information along. I said something along the lines of "it makes you thankful for what you have." She responded with

" See, it should make you grateful. You could have gotten pregnant and had this happen to you. Then you'd have gone through all this worry and stuff and had this happen. You should be happy you aren't pregnant."

Good God, is there any end to this?

I wonder why everyone chooses to tell me that I was wrong to be so worried, to have tried so hard. WHY is this free fodder for conversation? How do you go from talking about a child with a life threatening illness to discussing my reproduction and why I shouldn't persue it anymore???!!?? Do I not have the right to have another child? Am I just supposed to sit back and hope for the best?

What the heck makes people think those observations/opinions are helpful in the least?

The thing about it is that while I'm talking to them, I always chicken out. I never say to them "this isn't helpful." Why am I not able to stand up and say "shut up!"? I should, but I don't.

Huh...kids

2008-04-14T12:49:00.002-05:00

We were all snuggling on our bed friday night at bedtime. Boo had his bunny (it's actually my bunny, but Boo claimed it for his own this week)

He said to me, "Mommy, put the bunny in your tummy so you can have bunny baby. You need a baby Mom."

How do kids sense this stuff??

Rain Rain Go Away

2008-04-10T14:24:00.004-05:00

It has been cold and rainy here for so long now (it seems that way at least.) I would like it to be spring. Spring is a time of renewal, of new life, of hope.

I could use all of the above.

This weather brings me down. I'm busy busy with school/master's classes. I'd like a nice sunny weekend to have some ribs on the grill and a refreshing drink in my hand and some good friends over to play 5 Crown.....is that too much to ask?

Oh...and I'd like not to be nausous (sp) all the time...it's getting old. If I'm going to be sick to my stomach, could I have it with a side of pregnant please? AF can show any time. It's day CD 35, 18DO. (Yes, I POAS on monday...BFN)
scratch that...today is CD 1 :( Good thing I didn't waste that test today huh?

Sunshine would be nice, in any form!

Spying....

2008-04-09T09:17:00.002-05:00

** Don't forget to sponsor our March for Babies** (see post below)

I got a forwarded email from an old friend.

It's a long story, but this is someone that I used to be close to. She was a personal attendant in my wedding. We met through a mutual friend, someone I considered my best friend at the time. When the mutual friend and I "broke up," she took frenemy's side. I don't really blame her as she's know frenemy's husband for years. It hurts to be ignored by others, but there came a time when I decided it wasn't worth anxiety on my part. It has become a situation where if spoken too, I'll talk to them but since they don't speak to me....it's not a big deal.

Anyway...this forwarded email was letting people know that her 3 month old son has a rare disease and will undergo chemotherapy. It listed blogs/carepages. I was shocked and saddened. I plan to send a "thinking of you card" and a gift certificate for a restaurant. I know firsthand how hard it is when a loved one is in the hospital. The last thing you think of is food and preparing it. They also have a 3yr old daughter at home...so I figured this would be a nice gesture.

This doesn't mean I want to renew the friendship. There's been too much time and this isn't the time for that even if I wanted to. I still think a card and small gesture is the right thing to do.

As I clicked and read the carepage and blog, I felt like I was spying. I shouldn't, should I? I mean these are PUBLIC blogs. I forget that sometimes, but they are. The blog is linked directly to frenemy's blog...she's in charge of it. So of course I went there too. I almost feel like I'm reading things I shouldn't or doing something wrong.

So let me ask you...would you want a distant friend to discover your blog? Would it matter to you or would you be okay with it? I wonder what they would think were they to read mine. Do they know what I've been up to/dealing with? Would it even make a difference? Or do they just think I'm spying?

Grant's Gang is Marching for Babies!

2008-03-31T13:54:00.005-05:00

It's March for Babies time! (formerly called WalkAmerica)

As you all know, I am very involved with our local March of Dimes. Our NICU support group has gotten a grant to give resources to parents of children in the NICU, including support group information, helpful items like gift cards to the coffee shop, water bottles, information on RSV, keychains and photo/nicu baby books. This organization is close to my heart. I would like to ask you to think about donating to our March for Babies team this year.

To donate, please click this link to be taken to our team page.
http://www.marchforbabies.org/personal_page.asp?w=71001048&u=grantsgang

As an added incentive, anyone who donates will have their name put into a drawing for a custom child (or adult) hat/mittens OR handmade socks of your choice. All you have to do is donate to Grant's Gang's fundraising effort!

Grant Spencer Smithson was born 9 weeks too early on September 12, 2004. He was 4lbs, 2oz. When Grant was 24 hours old, he was airlifted to the NICU in Iowa City. There he received blood transfusions, surfactant for his lungs, antibiotics and specialized care. Despite having received steriods in utero to strengthen his lungs, he suffered from RDS (respiratory distress syndrome). Grant (and mom and dad) rode the rollercoaster that is NICU for 42 days until he was able to come home.

Although he was behind in his milestones for the first two years, Grant is now a precocious preschooler who is caught up to his peers. He enjoys reading, playing with Lightning McQueen and riding his BMX bike.He is the joy of our lives. He amazes us everyday with something new.

We have come to know several other families of preemies. Until Grant was born, we never knew how common premature births were. We also didn't know how serious it can be. Not all families are as lucky as we are to have their precious children today.The March of Dimes has been a leader in research including research on the condition I had, Vasa Previa. This organization SAVES babies!

Today in the U.S., 1 in every 8 babies will be born prematurely. Some of them won't survive, and others will have health problems that could last a lifetime. The funds we raise in WalkAmerica support research that saves babies' lives.

The mission of March of Dimes is to improve the health of babies by preventing birth defects, premature birth, and infant mortality.

Let me tell you about my friends

2008-03-22T12:21:00.000-05:00

I arrived home last night to a box for me. It was filled with amazing gifts.

There is a 100.00 gift certificate from John Taylor Day Spa, gift cards to Starbucks and Aeropostale, Chocolate (the new Bliss...amazing!), two skeins of beautiful yarn, two pattern books and a set of Knitpicks Options Harmony Wood Interchangable needles all in an adorable spring basket.In addition, there was a donation made in our name to the March of Dimes, something very important to us.

Who is this amazing gift from? It's from "my ladies"...a message board I've been a part of for several years now. This is the same board where Carrie found her egg angel. I've met some of them in person, but others I haven't.

They are incredible women. I am overwhelmed by their generosity. They have been an incredible support for me, they listen to me fret, whine and cry...but this overwhelmed me.

The world is a good place!

Can't seem to shake it

2008-03-20T13:03:00.002-05:00

It's the first day of spring, Easter is coming. I should be happy...but I'm not.

I host Easter for our family. I love to host usually. Mr calls me Martha all day. I plan out the menu far in advance, do special things like hiding treats, look for Easter decor....

But this year, I'm not into it. At. All.

Part of it is that we usually have Spring Break the week before Easter or at a minumum we have Good Friday off. Not this year though. So I have very little time to get ready. My parents will be here early Saturday afternoon. I work tomorrow too...booo....

But honestly, part of it is that I realized that in my grand scheme, the outcome of the trial would have allowed us to be announcing how many we were having rather than having to explain that it failed, that I failed. Because, let's face it...my body failed. I put three healthy, high rated, good celled embryos in and my body didn't accept them. And it sucks...

And, I'm sick of talking pregnancy with everyone at school around me. SICK. OF. IT! Sick of hearing them complain, sick of everyone telling them what to expect, sick of everything.

I think I'm depressed.

Jeesh

2008-03-19T13:46:00.000-05:00

I feel like I'm back in the dark ages! I'm temping and using OPK's again. After doing other treatments, it just seems wierd...KWIM?

Round and Round

2008-03-13T12:33:00.003-05:00

As I sat waiting for our literacy meeting to start today, two other teachers from my building were talking. A was talking to V, explaining the arrangements they are making for when her #2 arrives this summer. She's due in June. She said something along the lines of "my husband said to me, 'what were we thinking, two is going to be a lot more work than one.'" V replied, that is part of what my husband and I discussed. Part of the reason we decided not to do IVF is that we are so comfy and in our routine with our son. Throughout the morning, V kept bringing up other reasons why it would be okay for her son to be an only child.

I chose not to participate in the discussion for several reasons, not the least of which being that V is good friends with my mortal enemy and I just didn't want to open myself up to that. Another reason I didn't speak up was that I thought about what Jane said at One Smart Mama in the post about regifting words.

But the overall reason I didn't join in is that I'd have to side with one or the other. If I agreed that V shouldn't have any more or pursue any more, would that mean that *I* shouldn't either? Up until now, I haven't really had to face that decision. I still don't want to. I'm not ready to say "Boo will be an only child." V is facing that and what I heard was her justifying her decisions as if she HAD to. I'm not ready to go there.

It's like when you come to a crossroads (watch me get all symbolic here)...but I don't want to make a decision yet. I'm not ready. So instead of a crossroads, let's call this a roundabout. I can get on and off whenever I want to or continue to go in circles. I'm not ready to turn any one corner yet. I'm not sure if we are firmly in the "pursuing pregnancy" camp or the "one and done" camp. So I'll hang out in the roundabout for a while. I'm sure I'll get dizzy sooner or later. But right now...round we go.

Stupid and Angry

2008-03-11T12:19:00.005-05:00

I went to the Chiro's office yesterday for a massage. It was going to be a nice treat since I'd scheduled it ages ago and forgotten.

As I was sitting in the waiting room, a young couple with brand new twins came in. They weren't two weeks old yet. For the first time, I could barely look. I felt so uncomfortable glancing at this mother who was gazing at her son as she held him with the glow of love that only a brand new mother and child have. I almost gasped aloud and couldn't look anymore.

Then I felt stupid. Angry and Stupid. I don't know what that couple went through to get where they are. Who am I to be upset that they have that? I have no idea of their story.

Anger is a theme this week. I'm angry at my pregnant co-worker who thinks it is the end of the world that she has gestational diabetes, barely. She is over by 4 points. You'd think it was the end of the world. She's now as far along as I was when I had Boo. She's just "tired of everything going wrong." I want to shake her. She took a whole day off because she'd be too upset if she got bad news about her GD a week ago. Give me a break. You have a healthy child growing inside you. By now, my son was in the NICU struggling to breathe. You got pregnant the first month you tried. I've been trying for over 2 years. Suck it up. ** really, she's the nicest person, but I am easily annoyed right now**

I do let people know my story. If you know me IRL, you know I am a talker. I tell people about lots of things about myself. I'm an open book really, people probably know more than they need to know. Now I regret that a bit. I know there are plenty of people around me who have opinions on how we are dealing with IF. I mean I know they are thinking "why is she so upset, she's just not pregnant, it's not the end of the world." And it isn't...but that doesn't make it any less painful or frustrating.

We've been concentrating on Boo lately. We all went on a date on Friday to see Enchanted and then to dinner. It was GREAT! Especially at the end when he was dancing in the aisle to the closing credits. (He shakes his booty pretty well for a boy) He's great kid, funny, loud, smart as can be.

I have baby gifts to start knitting. Is it bad that I want to do quick projects that don't take any thought?

Where do we go from here?

2008-03-10T09:20:00.004-05:00

We don't really know I guess...

We still want another child. *I* still want to be pregnant again. I'd like a chance to have a pregnancy I can enjoy, one that lasts longer than 31 weeks. But in the end, I want Boo to have a sibling, to have someone who knows him, all about him around after Mr and I are gone.

We don't have insurance anymore. It sucks, but that's the way it is. So we are going to go back to basics and chart. We'll continure acupuncture and herbs too. Since we are "unexplained," there is nothing to say that it can't work. It just hasn't. In 28 cycles, it hasn't.

But I guess there is hope that it might. It happened before, it can happen again. So we'll try. And we'll push our realtor to sell our other house...and THEN we'll persue IVF again.

There is the possibility of another trial for a progesterone ring...but not near here. I haven't brought that up to Mr much as it's still pretty expensive and we'd have to travel. I'm not sure if it would even be feasible to do...but I may bring it up and see.

Mr asked me not to write a letter to his CEO. I can understand why he doesn't want me to. If I were going to do it, I should have done it before. Sucks though.

I did take the embryo pictures off the fridge this weekend. I had Mr put them somewhere safe. Sigh....

My support

2008-03-06T09:31:00.005-06:00

A friend asked about our results yesterday.
When I told her, she said exactly the right thing..."I cannot imagine how you are grieving right now."

Hearing those words spoken soothed me and I realized that this wasn't just not being pregnant this time. This was the past six months and all our hopes. It was countless early morning trips, time off work. It was needles and meds that made me emotional. It was prayers and tears and lots of work.

I made Mr put all the meds away, I don't want to see them, but I can't seem to take the picture of the embryos off of the fridge. Not yet at least.

Mr has been so affected by the outcome of the trial...

Usually, no matter what, I am the strong one....when we got Boo's diagnosis, when his mom was sick, when his dad and grandfather died ....he just isn't the one to handle things, I am. I keep it together and take care of him.

But this time, although he has cried with me and been truly truly affected (he's doing all this research, has updated his resume to possible find a new job with more $ or IF benefits) but yet, is SO taking care of me.

Without a word, when I asked him to pack up the meds last night so I didn't have to look at them, he did. He waited for me at the door when I finally got home tuesday night (at 8:45) and was just there for me. He told me I don't have to do anything I don't want to and lets me just be...

Tonight, he brought me my favorite "I can't eat anything but need to" takeout and then when I offhandedly mentioned that I wanted chocolate covered almonds, put on his shoes and brought me back ALL of my favorite chocolate....dark chocolate covered almonds, whoppers, cadbury mini eggs and a Ghiradrdelli toffee interlude bar

He's been wonderful and supportive and so gentle and understanding so I needed to brag him up. He's told people that I don't feel like talking and will call when I am. He's also told them what not to say. He's dried my tears and his own and I love him for it.

Things not to say

2008-03-05T08:05:00.003-06:00

Everything happens for a reason. This implies that the past 6 months were a waste. It means that it wasn't going to happen anyway so I gave myself shots, went through countless setbacks, overcame obstacles and worked very hard to get to this point. Telling us that it happens (or didn't) for a reason negates our efforts.
Well, now that you don't have this stress, you can relax. I've heard that when you just relax you get pregnant. Yeah, okay, whatever.
Maybe something was wrong with them. Look at all the things that went wrong with Boo, you don't want to go through that again do you? Actually, I'd go through about anything in order to have a child even remotely like Boo. He's an amazing boy and worth every second of worry and heartache. I'd go through it again in a heartbeat if I were able to experience the joys that he brings to my life with another child.
God has a plan for everything. Then he better start sharing them with me because it's pretty hard to believe that he wants people to go through this.
Wouldn't it be great if you got pregnant from just having intercourse? (yes, my seventy-five year old mother said this to me) It absolutely would. Let me go jump him right now because THAT'S what I feel like doing!
Maybe Boo was meant to be an only child. Maybe you should shut the hell up!
What are you going to do now? I don't have any answer for this. When you ask me, it opens the door to all of the other comments that I cannot bear to hear right now. It's been less than 24 hours. We've been trying for 2 1/2 years and involved in the study for 6 months, would a few days be too much to ask before inquiring about our future?

I thought today would be easier. It's not.

It's over

2008-03-04T11:10:00.000-06:00

HCG was less than 2

Today's the day

2008-03-04T10:20:00.002-06:00

I woke up early at 5 am in order to get up and going. I needed to leave my house by 5:50 or so in order to drive to Iowa City, get blood drawn and get to school on time. It was dark when I left my house. There were no coffee shops open near my house, so I didn't get any tea but I managed.

The drive there was filled with emotions. I went from being scared to death to imagining how I would react in the event of various outcomes. There was fear, trembling and tears. (I should not be allowed to browse through all 200+ XM channels on a day like this...when Green Day's Good Riddance "I hope you have the time of your life" came on TWICE...I couldn't help but cry." I managed to pull it together by the time I got there and was calm and at peace, as much as I could be, when I got there. The nurse handed me a package from Michelle with my extra needles and a nice note on it. It makes me feel good to know that she is truly rooting for us too.

I had to wait for the blood draw station to open, but the draw itself was quick and painless, thank goodness.

On the drive home, I listened to Moulin Rouge, I do love that music and it helped to crank it and just drive. The sun was bright, I went out of the way to get my tea and all was well.

Now the wait. There are a lot of people waiting with me to hear. I have an amazing support group of women online both in blogs and at a very special message board that have given me strength and encouragement. They are amazing, all of them.

I assume I'll hear by late afternoon. I'll text Mr and then may post an update if I get a chance. I also have to study for a midterm tonight that I have a sinking feeling about. (Mrs. Masterprocrastinator that I am)

2008-03-03T08:59:00.004-06:00

I'm struggling to find my hope...my test day is tomorrow. I'm afraid to hope and afraid to give up. It's difficult and I feel like I'm grasping at straws.

My usual routine is to make myself go numb so that it won't affect me so much. It's how I dealt with being told that if my water broke my child would die. It's how I dealt with each bleeding episode with Boo, how I handled being told we were doing an emergency C/S at 31 weeks. It's how I dealt with him being airlifted at 24 hours old, how I dealt with every time he turned blue in the NICU. It's how I dealt with every stark white negative test until now.

But it's not working.

Frankly, I'm scared. I don't know what we'll do if this doesn't work. Since our IF insurance is no longer, we will have to wait until we sell the other house. In this market, it's not going fast. Maybe spring will help, but spring (at least this winter) is a ways off yet.

Diversions....

2008-02-29T11:53:00.001-06:00

Ahh...I'm distracted apparently!

N: Mrs. Smithson, you look different today
Various other kids chime in: Yeah, you do!
Me: Different how?
N: I don't know
Me: well, different bad or good?
N: Good I think...
Me: Well, I didn't put a clip in my hair today
N: No, that's not it. Did you get new glasses?
Me: No....OHHHH...(as I feel my face) Umm..sorry kids, I forgot to put makeup on today.
Kids: OHHHH...THAT'S why you look so young.

Miss Debbie told me that Grant gave her a sticker yesterday...LOL! Apparently he watched her do a chore and thought she did well.

So he was telling Daddy about it last night:

J: Grant, what did Miss Debbie do today?
G: Oh, she did a good job dad!
J: What did she do?
G: She took the bulb and screwed it really good!

Let me count the ways

2008-02-27T12:07:00.002-06:00

I completely understand that I shouldn't be counting symptoms but I seem not to be able to help myself....

My boobs are big and sore.
My fat jeans are snug.
I'm crampy.
My stomach looks like I'm about 12 weeks. (insert embarassed face)
My students have already asked me if I am.

Now, to make it fair...

I've gained about 10 lbs since September.
ditto
ehh...not sure there is a good reason for this.
see number 1
see number 1

Just a little something

2008-02-25T20:27:00.003-06:00

to distract me from the 2WW....

Please ignore the watermark.....

Sigh...this is why I want another, wouldn't you?

Back to school today

2008-02-25T07:18:00.001-06:00

I'm a little crampy but I am looking at that as Hickory, Dickory and Dock getting comfy.

DH is a whiz with the PIO shots! I didn't even FEEL the one last night!

You'd think that after 4 days of being low key that I'd be ready for my class tonight, but no...the master procrastinator that I am....I'm just not.

I'm home

2008-02-21T14:01:00.000-06:00

and laying on the couch...

I got the *full bladder of the day* award...LMAO

I have pics of the embies...

One 4 cell grade 0.5
One 6 cell grade 0.0 (PERFECT GRADE!)
and
One 8 cell 1.5

The transfer was painless and went smoothly. My fav nurse was there and made me laugh.

Let me tell you, all OB's should have the tables they have there, I've never been so comfy with my legs in the air.

I got to watch on the ultrasound as they put them in. The doc says "I like this placement, here we go" and you could see them go in...SO COOL!

Thanks for all the wonderful thoughts, keep them coming for about 12 days or so will ya?

Three cheers please!!

2008-02-19T11:29:00.002-06:00

We have

One little, two little, THREE little EMBRYOS!!

Just got the report! YAY!! YAY!! YAY!!

Transfer is thursday...I cannot wait!!

Quick update

2008-02-18T20:08:00.000-06:00

Six eggs appeared to have survived the thaw but when they injected the sperm only 4 responded like they wanted. We'll have the fertilization report tomorrow.

Any good thoughts would be appreciated!

Six Eggs, Six survived the thaw!

2008-02-18T15:24:00.000-06:00

Now on to fertilization!

THIS IS GOOD NEWS! YAY!!

Open Letters

2008-02-12T12:16:00.000-06:00

Dear Frozen Eggies,
Oh my honeys! I know it's frosty in that there freezer! Be good little eggies and thaw nicely next monday will you? Don't give up now dears! Warm up be okay please? Then you can meet Daddy's swimmers and get to grow! If you really really try, you can grow up to be big kids! We are getting a nice fluffy place all ready for you to snuggle in for the next 9 months too! I can't wait to meet you!
Lots of love and kisses!
Your Mommy

Dear HooHaa,
I know that you are a little angry at the fact that you have to have little blue pills shoved up you every 8 hours. I get that and I'm none to happy about it either. Frankly, the mess grosses me out too. But do you think you could quit rebelling? It's pretty important that you clear up and get with the program! Oh, and make sure that none of those embryos "fall out" will ya? Just kidding, clearing up will be fine! We just want a nice fluffy place for the embies to grow in, work with me here!
Smooches,
Linda, who would like very badly to be able to go through with this cycle

Messy stuff

2008-02-11T12:47:00.000-06:00

I started Estrace 3x a day orally and 3x a day vaginally on thursday. So now I have a lovely blue discharge which seems to be turning into a yeast infection. I called the study coordinator. She originally said to just get some OTC stuff....but yeah, that won't work since I'm shoving Est.race up my hooha 3x a day. So she's calling in a Rx of Diflucan to clear it up.

In addition, I'm battling a cold, a nasty one.

Let's cross our fingers and hope shall we? If this doesn't clear it up, then we have to cancel this cycle, wait until next month and switch to injectible estrogen.

I really would prefer not to be in that mess.

Thanks for your thoughts.

Ahh...Ignorance

2008-02-08T09:06:00.000-06:00

I was filling out paperwork for my leave for the transfer.

Our secretary and I had an interesting conversation:

Hey, are you doing that artificial stuff?

Yes, we are...

My sister did that. It took a long time. I guess if your period starts you have to start all over, right?

Yes, we are doing a clinical trial so it's been put off a few times.

Yeah, it took my sister 8 months. Her husband had no sperm so they told her that this was it. You know what happened to her? She has 8 frozen, I guess that they put them all together....ya know?

You mean embryos, yes.

Yeah, well they asked her how many she wanted to put in. I guess if you only put one in, it can fall out and you have to start all over. So she put two in and now she's going to have twins! Can you imagine?

Yes, the decisions are hard to make.

And it costs so much! I mean if you have to start over, they charge you all over again. They don't have insurance coverage either.

Yes, it's expensive too.

Well, she is 31 and hasn't had any yet, I mean you have one already so it's not like you are desperate.

Well...yeah I guess we are lucky like that...

(OH MY GOD! Can I tell you how much I wanted to VANISH during this conversation????) I can't even comment on this yet. GRRRRR

Hope

2008-02-06T19:51:00.000-06:00

Our clinic currently has a woman who is 12 weeks pregnant through the study.

There is hope!

In Memory

2008-02-04T15:15:00.000-06:00

2008-02-04T11:35:00.000-06:00

The good news...AF showed exactly when she should.

The bad news...the research coordinator misread the new protocol and cannot add the extra week of estrogen to the protocol. This wasn't that big a deal until she got an email on Friday that said "the thaw kits expire on the 15th and the new ones won't be available from the company until the 26th" !!! The adjustment to my calendar schedules the thaw for the 16th. Not good timing obviously.

I'm waiting on a call back from her to see where we go from here.

Cross your fingers? Hope that we aren't put on hold again.

I was really looking forward to the transfer being on 29th, I mean Leap Day how cool would that have been?

update

I just got an email from the coordinator. They got an extension on the kits as the future kits will all be good for 6 months. So...

new transfer date is Feb 21st!

IF is like a necklace....

2008-01-24T12:57:00.000-06:00

Do you ever feel like you just can't get away from your IF? It's like a weight around your neck. A small weight, but you can still feel it there, every day. I'm feeling like that lately. I keep being reminded of my IF, everywhere I go.

First, as I've said before, I'm surrounded by pregnant women.

Then, there's the problem of scheduling my treatements. It turns out that my next cycle will nicely coinside with our ITBS schedule at school. Any teachers out there? Yeah, you understand don't you? I fought to be able to test "my" reading students in my class. I teach struggling readers in 7th grade. I want them to take the test with ME, not in some random homeroom where the teacher may or may not care. (that's being callous I know, but it can be very true) Our new principal agrees and we look at our schedule and how to do this. As we are, I look at the calendar and realize that our Thaw/Fertlize/Transfer is right at that time. Niiiiice..... Yes, I had to tell her that depending on my medical issues I may not be able to be there. She was awesome and we worked out a contingency plan, but it's far from best case scenario.

Thirdly, our best friend's cousin is pregnant. She is 23, has been in trouble with the law and single. She had a one night stand with someone at the hotel she was working at and is pregnant. If that wasn't bad enough, she has been in preterm labor. She'd due on Valentine's day. She went into labor at 28 weeks and they stopped it. She then went into labor again last weekend. My friend and I were talking about it, as she is one of A's labor coaches. She realized as they were asking her the admitting questions that A hasn't quit smoking! Then she pointed out that A's Aunt, whom she's living with is a chain smoker as well. I about lost it (inside, I think I hid it well) I cannot imagine, especially having had a preemie how someone, especially someone who is studying to be a nurse, can even FATHOM bringing a premature infant home to a house filled with smoke. I get angry even thinking that she's allowed to get pregnant so easily yet....well, you know the rest.

Then, I vented on a board I'm on about this and got a response like this....

I know what you mean- I am TTC and when I am in public and see teenagers pushing around babies I cringe.... Good thing I have COMPLETE trust in God's perfect planning and timing in my own life. I know He is holding out for a good reason.

Now, I must point out that this is coming from a woman who has been TTC a WHOLE 5 MONTHS! Are you kidding me?? Seriously, I hope you can retain your COMPLETE faith in God when you have been TTC for over 2 years, when you watch babies that were concieved after you started trying turn a year old. Come to me THEN and talk to me about how God is holding out for a good reason!!

Then, the final straw...the Law and Order: SVU episode. I thought for the most part it was well done. Of course there was every controversy in the book mentioned in the episode. I was irritated at some parts but overall it was okay.

My husband, after watching the first 5 minutes turns to me and says "you just can't get away from this stuff, huh?" Nope, I can't. It's that pendant around my neck that is just a little to heavy. It won't cause me backaches. I won't drown from wearing it, but I get a little tired of it after a while.

Left out

2008-01-16T10:20:00.000-06:00

I hate waiting. I always have. If I want something, I get it as soon as I can. I'm a procrasinator, but waiting is hard.

This wait for the study is particularly hard. I am trying to stay positive but the further removed we are from the retrieval, the harder it's getting. I try to stay positive but little negative thoughts creep into my mind. It's easy to let them. It's easy to forget and take my eye off of the goal. It was great when I had things to keep me busy, appointments, holiday preparations, lots of people asking me about it.Now, it's just blah. No one asks anymore, not that I expect them to keep MY reproductive schedule in the forefront of their minds...but still.

I'm surrounded by pregnant women at work and I can't help but hear them talking about preparations, see them passing around ultrasound pictures, talking about names. They talk about paint colors and baby gear. I feel like an outsider. I don't get to participate like I'd like to. Oh, I give my opinions and things, but I see the glances. I can feel the unspoken pity there. It's there, just so silent and subtle. Part of me wants to tell them that I won't break, you can talk about it, but part of me wants to crawl in a hole and hide.

So I cover. I talk about Boo and how he's doing. I don't ask questions like everyone else because it means the conversation will just go on longer. I feel horrible about it. I don't want them not to talk about things, not to be excited. They deserve that, but don't I? When is my turn?

I'm selfish...a selfish bitch . I want to be included. I'm not.

On hold and surrounded by pregnant women

2008-01-08T14:36:00.000-06:00

I just got the call. Because the company doing the study didn't get back to the research coordinator in time (I called on Sat. to report AF, we JUST heard) with the official protocol changes for the FET, our thaw/transfer won't be until next cycle. GRR...not happy, but I can't do much about it. So February will be our month...YES, YES it will! I'll use that good attitude everyone says I have and use it to my advantage.

I hit a low last friday though. I usually can handle pregnancy announcements pretty well. But another teacher announced her pregnancy on friday, followed by a mom at Boo's daycare. So now I know people due in : April, May, June, July and August. It's a bit much to handle don't you think? It was easier when they weren't visibly pregnant. It gets harder to see the bellies straining against fabric, knowing there is a life growing there. I'm jealous. It's not pretty.

So....I have another month to play with. I started back at the gym yesterday and I WILL lose the 5+ lbs I put on over the holidays. I'll shag my hubby without worrying about timing (but will also admit that to thinking "it could work". I'll take my master's classes which will kick my butt this semester. I've heard about this professor...and not in a good way. I'll stitch and bitch with my ladies and I'll not worry about it.

Right?

2008-01-02T09:24:00.001-06:00

It's the new year. It's the new year and I'm looking for change.

2007 was overall a good year. I wish I'd have gotten pregnant this year, but I didn't. I can't change that, so I've decided not to dwell. I learned a long long time ago that you can't change the past.

The Power of Three made a nice toast to my getting pregnant this year. TPO3 were pretty good at getting my pg the first time, so why not this time huh? I should explain....TPO3 consists of my older sister, my SIL and myself. TPO3 made a toast to the conception of Boo right before he came about. Maybe this toast will bring me luck too huh?

AF should be here within the next few days. Then we start the thaw/fertilize/transfer process over again. 2008, bring me the change I would like, please?

Happy Happy....

2007-12-18T10:17:00.000-06:00

Postponed (or A Weight Off my Shoulders)

2007-11-16T12:22:00.000-06:00

This cycle was cancelled yesterday after my ultrasound. My lining was between 6 and 7 mm. For the study it needed to be 8mm. The monday ultrasound was measured incorrectly. I am cancelled until January.

At first it was a shock but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that the feeling I had was RELIEF. I wasn't in a positive frame of mind. I had bad vibes. I couldn't be positive even thought I was trying (really really trying)!

I found myself smiling as I was driving home from Iowa City. It's been a while since I just found myself smiling. Not that I'm a grump all the time, but I was just driving along, zoning out to whatever was on the XM and realized I had a smile on my face for no particular reason!

I feel happy and at peace with this change. There are lots of reasons but I won't go into them. I'm happy that we are waiting. January is a new year with new possibilities.

I'm happy

Hard Choices

2007-11-14T15:04:00.000-06:00

From my last post, you can see how conflicted we are and how down I was. I'm a little better now. I say a little as in a smidge, a tad, a tiny bit.

After much consideration and debate, we've decided that if we have three embryos to transfer, we'll transfer three.

This is a very hard choice for us to make. Up until now we hadn't really considered transfering three. We had insurance to fall back on if the trial doesn't work so if we weren't pregnant after the trial, we had a back up. We would transfer the two that the trial requires (assuming we have two) and roll with the punches.

That's all changed now. We have one shot. No backup, at least not in the near future. As age and time are catching up with us, we have to take advantage of what we have.

The embryologist said she doubts that any embryos that fertilize will make it to blast so that they could be frozen for another shot. That means (to us) that if we only transfer 2 and we have more, they will be wasted. If she doesn't think they'll make blast stage, we can't use them.

We've thought on this and talked about it a lot. We aren't really prepared for triplets, that's for sure. But faced with it would we handle it? If we needed to, yes.

I'm angry that we have to make this choice. I feel like if we are up in front of a firing line. I know that some will judge us for transfering 3. But I feel like if we don't take this opportunity and do everything we can to have a child, we'll regret it forever. If we have 3 and only transfer 2 and don't get pregnant, I'll always doubt the decision. I'm mad that BCBS is forcing us to make this choice. Angry and sad.

I attended the March of Dimes Prematurity Summit today and heard doctors talk about how ART is contributing to multiple births. In addition to that there was mention that just using ART contributes to premature births. I feel guilty that I'm consiciously making a choice to put potentially put myself through something that I barely made it through the first time. I'm angry and scared.

I just want a normal pregnancy. I want to be able to carry a baby to term, a baby that will be loved and cherished. I'm being forced to choose the lessor (in my eyes) of two evils here. If I had coverage I'd be able to make safer choices for myself and my family.

These are harder choices than I can describe.

Mixed Emotions

2007-11-12T15:27:00.001-06:00

I went for my ultrasound/bloodwork for the FET today. My lining ranges from 7.9 to 9.8 so that's good and it has the right shape they were looking for but there are "some irregularities"

No one really knows what that meant. I am to up my Estrace and come back on Thurs for another check.

We also met with the embryologist today. She admitted to being a "glass half empty" person. Even so, it's a bit disconcerting to hear "potential transfer" and "if any of the eggs fertilize" KWIM?

We signed papers to transfer 2 embryos. We could elect to tranfer up to three. After talking with the embryologist, she thinks two is a better option. We have the opportunity to grow any others that fertilize to blasts, although she is doubtful any will make it that far as "you have only 6 eggs frozen, three were mature at retrieval and three that matured before we froze them" She feels that the three that were mature are our best bet and is doubtful that the others will fertilized. I don't know how to feel...I mean I understand the risks of transfering 3 and ending up losing a triplet pregnancy BUT if this is our only shot, I feel like I should try to put 3 in (if we have 3) KWIM?

I'm officially freaked out now...

Jeff goes in Friday to drop off "the swimmers" They will thaw the eggs friday. Assuming they survive the thaw, we'll be able to call saturday and get the fertilization report. Assuming any fertilize the transfer will be Monday. (hear all that "assuming???)

We also learned how to do the PIO injections (umm OUCH OUCH)

We talked with the financial lady as well. She didn't have good news on fighting the insurance company over our preapproval. She said that she's had several couples fight the same fight and only once was the decision reversed.

All in all, I could use some "happy thoughts" and I'd like to call upon the prayer warriors if possible!

Our Story

2007-11-07T12:23:00.000-06:00

I was told when I was 26 or so that my mother took DES while pregnant with me to prevent miscairage and that it could affect me reproductively. I've talked with several doctors about this and was told that it didn't appear that I had any issues. Mr and I were married in October of 2003. We started to try for a child before we were even married as we were both 32 at the time. We were able to get pregnant after 7months TTC with Boo. Boo was born 9 weeks early as a result of a condition called Vasa Previa. His umbilical cord attached itself to my bag of water and cervix. If I had gone into labor and my water broke, he'd have bled to death in a matter of minutes.

We began to try for a second child when Boo was 13 months old. Mr lost his mother a week after Boo was born. Then his father died in December of 2004. He is an only child and doesn't want Boo to have to go through losing parents alone. There will soon be no one able to answer his questions about what he was like as a child. He has no one that knows him like a sibling would. We both want Boo to have someone when we are gone. It's very important to us.

After a year of temping and timed intercourse, we were still not pregnant. Although I had requested testing from my OB after 6 months of trying as I was turning 35, my OB told me that we had to wait for testing. We finally were able to get in and do semen analysis and other workups in December of 2006. When the OB found nothing, we decided to find an RE. We were officially diagnosed as "unexplained secondary infertility." After 4 Clomid/IUI cycles, the RE suggested that we move to IVF last summer. We looked into it and discovered that Mr's insurance would cover IVF but that we may qualify for a clinical trial. We decided to try for the trial because we had our insurance to fall back on. We pushed hard to get into the trial as it is for women 21-35. I was turning 36 in September. We continued to TTC while awaiting news on the trial but did not get pregnant.

After beginning the trial in September, the doctors at the trial let us know that the projected success rates from the trial were not as high as a normal IVF. We talked about it and decided that even though we knew that, we felt it was responsible to attempt the trial and then use insurance only as a last resort. Little did we know how that would change things. On September 12, as a back up we sent our request for IVF approval to our insurance agency and got a letter saying that we were approved for IVF. The approval states that it's valid for a year. On October 10th we were told that as of November 1st, 2007 our insurance would no longer cover IVF. Period...that's it we are out of luck. We are now in the middle of the clinical trial that we chose because we didn't want to use insurance unless necessary but have nothing to fall back on now. We are doing everything we can to make this procedure successful but now have little options of providing our son with a sibling if this doesn't work. We are hoping for the best...that our family will grow and provide us with another wonderful child who fulfills us as well as a sibling for our son.

Official protocol

2007-11-06T22:09:00.000-06:00

I got the call today to schedule my appointments for the next two weeks. I go in for an ultrasound on the 12th and then possibly one on the 15th too. Mr goes in to drop off the swimmers on the 16th which is also thaw day. Transfer will be Monday November 19th.

I went for acupuncture today. I'll go again friday and then tuesday and thursday next week too. This is the second acupunturist that I've been to. I like her much better than the first. She explained exactly what she was doing and what it did. I liked that a lot. I even got some good "I will be pregnant again" vibes going !

Whew

2007-11-03T15:30:00.001-05:00

AF showed yesterday afternoon. Thank GOD. Tentatively, the transfer is scheduled for November 19. It may be moved up or down if the head researcher wants to come down for it. I started Estrace last night and ended up dry heaving while brushing my teeth this morning. I sure hope it was a fluke or the next while will not be fun.

Mr and I went to dinner and a movie last night. We talked a lot at dinner and it didn't help a lot...but then decided that showed that we do need to talk to someone to help guide us through this. I'm calling our EAP plan on monday. The rest of the night was good actually. We saw Dan In Real Life. It's totally not what I thought it would be but it was a PERFECT movie for us to see. It reminded us both that we are lucky to have found one another. Good mix of funny and sad.

So things seem to be moving along a little better...I hope we can stay on track.

Stalled

2007-11-02T10:33:00.000-05:00

AF should have been here on 10/28.
Yes, that was last sunday.
No, she's not here yet.
Yes, I've POAS several times.
No, there has not been so much as a shadow of a line.

I'm down. About a lot of things, I'm down. I don't feel excited about the transfer at all, yet. I'm going to add that "yet" because I'm trying to get excited. I can't until AF gets here though. This is SOOO hard.

I know it's been said over and over but damn it. I've spent so many months wanting not to get my period. Now, TWICE, when it's really important that she does show up on time, she's LATE. FOR NO GOOD REASON! I want to scream. My head hurts just thinking about the timing of this now. If she doesn't get here soon, we are looking at a Thanksgiving transfer. I'm not even sure they will DO that! Then how do I manage trips to family and a three year old over a weekend that I'm supposed to be flat on my back? I just want to cry.

On top of that, school...well school sucks. We were just told that we are now a SINA 4 school. What that means, to those of you not familiar with the lingo, is that because of NCLB, if our scores don't rise significantly in the next year we are screwed. The state can come in an replace administrators, teachers, programs and take our funds. What really sucks is that we don't even know how we got here. Our scores have gone up "some" in the last few years. We thought since they were going up that we'd be fine. BUT our administrator (our lovely new administrator) won't even show us the numbers so we know how we got here and where we need to go.

Home is busy. Busy and hectic and it's taking a toll. I find myself frustrated and angry a lot. Too much. At Boo and Mr and myself. I feel like I'm trying to keep all these different balls in the air. If I blink or don't have total control, they'll go flying and destroy all that we've worked for. I am exhausted and losing it. I lose my patience and get angry at Boo.

It's affecting my marriage. I'm not happy right now. I don't feel connected to Mr at all. I feel alone. I know that much of it is me. I would think that after living together for almost 6 years, I'd be used to things and not let them bother me. Guess not. I feel alone and angry and scared and tired and ...I'm stalled and don't know how to start again.

Come What May

2007-10-25T08:32:00.000-05:00

Four years ago today, Mr and I made it official.

When we chose our wedding song, Come What May, we didn't know how much would come. We've dealt with deaths, medical emergencies, money woes and secondary IF.

Through it all, Mr and I are a strong team.

WAMHAS baby!

(Let's take a short walk down memory lane)

Soon after our first date

Our wedding day

Our most recent picture.

Ahhh Thursday

2007-10-18T16:07:00.000-05:00

I got our tentative schedule for the transfer the other day. I'll get to pick up our meds tomorrow. They were delivered to school and I had to unexpectedly miss a day. (our daycare had a case of pneumonia and so no kids there today)

I'm glad to have something else to concentrate on rather than the drama at school and the insurance crap.

The drama at school is ridiculuous crap, power struggles really. It's draining frankly...and stupid. I'm not even sure how I ended up in the middle of it all. I merely answered someone's question about a meeting change and suddenly was backed into my classroom door with someone's finger in my face. Of course I said a few things I shouldn't have...fight or flight if you will. UGH. I'm glad to be home today!

Speaking of insurance....a bit of an update. I've filed a complaint with the IID and have also sent a letter to the insurance company. The people who are responsible for managing the benefit package at Mr's company actually wrote a draft of the letter for us. I think it's their way of helping. It's also a way to CYA because THEY didn't inform us until 2 weeks before the benefit change. The CEO of the company has been told about our situation too and told Mr's boss that he thinks we should be "grandfathered" in.

We'll see.