Do you feel sad that your kids won't be babies forever?

A friend on my message board posed this question the other day. The longer time passes without become pregnant the more I think about this. Don't get me wrong, I want my child to grow up and become an independant person, but I also want to cuddle him every day. I love to see the new things he can do, the words he can read, the way he makes decisions for himself.

I also miss rocking him in the glider. I miss smelling his baby skin as his cheek rests on my shoulder. I miss that soft even breathing in my ear as he drifts into sleep. I even miss the NICU moments. The ones where I wasn't sure that I could get attatched to this little person, if he would live. I miss the magical moment when I first held him, so tiny and fragile. It was my birthday gift. The best one of my entire life. I miss every single challenge that was presented to us. I have regrets for not cherishing them more.

It does make me sad. I didn't realize at the time that it might be the last time I heard that sound or smelled that smell. Now I'm beginning to. I want to stop time, freeze it so that I can come back and experience that moment again. I wish I had known then how much I needed to etch those moments in my mind.

Even Though I Don't Like Meme's, I am in the Mood...30 Things You (Probably) Already Know About Me...Or not.

1. I am the youngest girl of 8 children. I have 5 brothers and two sisters and 22 nieces and nephews.
2. My parents call me the "oldest of the second family" as they had 6 in 7 years and then a ten year gap (mc's) and then me.
3. My older brothers and sisters voted on my name...hence my name is Linda Michelle. If my mother had won, I'd be a "Shelley."
4. I am a knitter. I learned to knit when I came back from my maternity leave after Boo was born. I knit a lot while pumping.
5. I have freckles. My "name" littleangelkisses comes from my father. When I'd complain about my freckles, he'd tell me they were angel kisses.
6. Mr and I met via the internet.
7. I eat wierd things. I like fried chicken livers. I also adore tomato sandwiches on white bread with miracle whip. When I'm sick I eat SpagettiO's warm on white buttered bread.
8. I am a 6th and 7th grade reading teacher.
9. I teach in a very low SES school.
10. I have been at the same school for the entire time I've been teaching.
11. I've been at the same job for 12 years.
12. I am the only child in my family to graduate from college.
13. I have a Master's endorsement in ELL and am almost finished with my Masters in Reading.
14. I am applying for a grant to University of Iowa for Teacher Librarians.
15. Mr and I have been married 5 years.
16. I often invite people over to my house for dinner because I need to clean the house and can't get motiviated.
17. I am a good cook but hate to bake.
18. I used to be a restaurant manager at a 24 hour restaurant. ICK
19. We are going to be the March of Dimes Ambassador Family for 2009 in our area.
20. My favorite book is Gone with the Wind. It's the only book I've read many times. I found it in our basement after the nuns at school told us we couldn't order it from the Scholastic Book orders!
21. I didn't see the movie Gone with the Wind until I had graduated from High School.
22. I went to Catholic schools from Kindergarten through college.
23. My sister and I look so much alike that in my wedding pictures, my students asked me if we were twins. (not so fun as she's 12 years older than I am!)
24. I used to work in a jewelry store. I was good at that!
25. I don't have very many close close friends.
26. I have a propensity to pop any zit I see on myself or Mr. He hates this.
27. I was a virgin until I was 22.
28. I didn't even have a first kiss until I was 21!
29. I've lived in Iowa for 14 years.
30. My real first name is Linda.

BRRRR....Baby it's cold outside!

Windchill today is -15 or so. I finally got back this afternoon from my parent's house. There was a blizzard warning yesterday, so Boo and I stayed over. We were to have come home from Wisconsin yesterday but decided not to chance it.

It's nice to go to Mom's and be babied! My mom is a great cook, so there was no need to do that. I did make it out to their mall to get some shopping done, sas Boo. That was nice. We watched old Jodi Foster movies and played Five Crown. Sigh...it was good to be home.

Grandma and Grandpa adore Grant. You'd think with SO many grandchildren....but they love him and he loves them. They taught him how to play "Dot Dominos" (as opposed to Car's Dominos), they played Go Fish and taught him War. Grandma has more cookies than a bakery....he was in heaven!

Today it's back home and back to reality. Shopping, cleaning, wrapping...but that extra day was a nice break for me.

Snow removal for hire...anyone interested?

In order to keep from thinking about the email I had to send to our clinic postponing our cycle until further notice....

Anyone need help shoveling??

I love this kid!

I was going to fire up the snow blower when I got home. I didn't get it started, but Boo was having so much fun in the snow that I pulled out the snow shovel. He wanted one, so I handed him on. He actually shoveled about 1/8 of the driveway!!

Hitting me where it hurts...

Boo's teacher is now out on bed rest in anticipation of her baby being born. I know that this means they've been talking about it in school. I'm not nearly as neurotic as I used to be about it. He has a long term sub and we've talked a little about Mrs. J having her baby.

So all this talk of the baby at school led to this conversation last Saturday.

I wasn't feeling well as I'm getting a cold. We went to Micky D's after dropping my car off to get detailed. I was rubbing my forehead because of my sinus infection.

As we are eating, Boo looks at me and says


Mom, I know what you need!
Really, what's that?
You need a BABY! No, you need two babies, a boy baby AND a girl baby!
Then he says...
Mom, you need a baby to hold and cuddle, that would make you feel better. I could help you take care of them. Then I'd be a BIG brother! I'd be a good big brother, wouldn't I?

Ahh...to be that innocent. He's also said this past week After Christmas, babies come Mom! That will be so nice to have a baby.

Boo is so innocent and loving. He WOULD make an amazing big brother! He cares about others, he gives love unconditionally. He is genuinely interersted in other people and wants them to know him. He has no idea and I love him for that. I admire his faith and outlook. I need to adopt a little of it myself it seems.

Ambassadors

Our family has been chosen to be the 2009 March of Dimes Ambassador Family for our area. We are honored to have been chosen. Boo represents the best possible outcome for preemies. I want to make sure that everyone knows that we realize that we are incredibly lucky.

I had to write "Grant's Story" in less than 350 words. GAH! How can I possibly describe learning that your child may die at birth, seeing bright red blood, hearing him cry for the first time, watching him lift off in a helicopter before I even got to touch him for the first time, watching him turn blue, hearing the monitors alarm, holding him for the first time, dreading the news from the nurses, giving him his first bath, watching him struggle to eat, looking at him smile, and all of the worry and fear of his first few year....in less than 350 words????

Here's what I came up with:

In August 2004, as first time parents, we were thinking about our nursery. Our baby was due November 13th, we had plenty of time. Little did we know we’d have 3 short weeks before meeting him. August 20th, we found out that I had a condition called Vasa Previa. If my water broke, our child would bleed to death before an emergency C-section could be performed. We were lucky enough to have a sonographer and doctor that caught this rare condition. I was air lifted to Iowa City immediately. After confirming the condition, I was sent home on bed rest. I ended up back at Genesis soon after for constant monitoring. We were walking the torturous line between wanting our child to have more time in utero and risking my water breaking. Our doctors supported us; we wouldn’t be where we are now without them.

Grant Spencer Smithson was born 9 weeks early on September 12, 2004. He was 4lbs, 2oz. At 24 hours old, Grant was airlifted to Iowa City because of suspected hydrocephalus. This was an incredibly hard moment. Although hydrocephalus was ruled out soon after he arrived, Grant had many issues to overcome. He received blood transfusions, surfactant for his lungs, and antibiotics. He was treated for Sepsis and, despite having received steroids in utero; he suffered from Respiratory Distress Syndrome.

We were not able to hold him until he was a week old. Holding Grant for the first time on my birthday was the best gift I’ve ever received. Our small family went through many trials that month. Grant, mom and dad rode the rollercoaster that is NICU for 42 days. He came home two days before our first anniversary.

Although he was behind in his milestones for the first two years, Grant is now a precocious preschooler who is caught up to his peers. He loves playing with cars of any kind and riding his BMX bike. He talks our ears off, amazes us with his insights and he is the joy of our lives.

Round and Round

As I sat waiting for our literacy meeting to start today, two other teachers from my building were talking. A was talking to V, explaining the arrangements they are making for when her #2 arrives this summer. She's due in June. She said something along the lines of "my husband said to me, 'what were we thinking, two is going to be a lot more work than one.'" V replied, that is part of what my husband and I discussed. Part of the reason we decided not to do IVF is that we are so comfy and in our routine with our son. Throughout the morning, V kept bringing up other reasons why it would be okay for her son to be an only child.

I chose not to participate in the discussion for several reasons, not the least of which being that V is good friends with my mortal enemy and I just didn't want to open myself up to that. Another reason I didn't speak up was that I thought about what Jane said at One Smart Mama in the post about regifting words.

But the overall reason I didn't join in is that I'd have to side with one or the other. If I agreed that V shouldn't have any more or pursue any more, would that mean that *I* shouldn't either? Up until now, I haven't really had to face that decision. I still don't want to. I'm not ready to say "Boo will be an only child." V is facing that and what I heard was her justifying her decisions as if she HAD to. I'm not ready to go there.

It's like when you come to a crossroads (watch me get all symbolic here)...but I don't want to make a decision yet. I'm not ready. So instead of a crossroads, let's call this a roundabout. I can get on and off whenever I want to or continue to go in circles. I'm not ready to turn any one corner yet. I'm not sure if we are firmly in the "pursuing pregnancy" camp or the "one and done" camp. So I'll hang out in the roundabout for a while. I'm sure I'll get dizzy sooner or later. But right now...round we go.

Stupid and Angry

I went to the Chiro's office yesterday for a massage. It was going to be a nice treat since I'd scheduled it ages ago and forgotten.

As I was sitting in the waiting room, a young couple with brand new twins came in. They weren't two weeks old yet. For the first time, I could barely look. I felt so uncomfortable glancing at this mother who was gazing at her son as she held him with the glow of love that only a brand new mother and child have. I almost gasped aloud and couldn't look anymore.

Then I felt stupid. Angry and Stupid. I don't know what that couple went through to get where they are. Who am I to be upset that they have that? I have no idea of their story.

Anger is a theme this week. I'm angry at my pregnant co-worker who thinks it is the end of the world that she has gestational diabetes, barely. She is over by 4 points. You'd think it was the end of the world. She's now as far along as I was when I had Boo. She's just "tired of everything going wrong." I want to shake her. She took a whole day off because she'd be too upset if she got bad news about her GD a week ago. Give me a break. You have a healthy child growing inside you. By now, my son was in the NICU struggling to breathe. You got pregnant the first month you tried. I've been trying for over 2 years. Suck it up. ** really, she's the nicest person, but I am easily annoyed right now**

I do let people know my story. If you know me IRL, you know I am a talker. I tell people about lots of things about myself. I'm an open book really, people probably know more than they need to know. Now I regret that a bit. I know there are plenty of people around me who have opinions on how we are dealing with IF. I mean I know they are thinking "why is she so upset, she's just not pregnant, it's not the end of the world." And it isn't...but that doesn't make it any less painful or frustrating.

We've been concentrating on Boo lately. We all went on a date on Friday to see Enchanted and then to dinner. It was GREAT! Especially at the end when he was dancing in the aisle to the closing credits. (He shakes his booty pretty well for a boy) He's great kid, funny, loud, smart as can be.

I have baby gifts to start knitting. Is it bad that I want to do quick projects that don't take any thought?