Apparently I'm a mess......

I had my "yearly" exam yesterday. The last one was done at U of I, so when I called, I got in to see the NP instead of the doc. No big deal, or so I thought.

I'd been dreading a little this for some reason. I knew going to the OB would mean being surrounded by pregnant women, but I thought I could handle it.

Not so much.

I had to update my paperwork since it had been 2 years since I'd been in the office. So I filled it out and grabbed a copy of Concieve magazine (where I found a reference to MEL at Stirrup Queens), trying to ignore the mulititude of pregnant women and their hubbies sitting in the waiting room. I get called up to pick up my insurance cards. When I return to my seat, it's been taken along with my magazine by an obviously pregnant woman! HELLO! YOU DON'T NEED THAT MAGAZINE, YOU ALREADY GOT PREGNANT!

Whatever

So I get called back and the NP does all of the preliminary work.
Then she says to me "do you have any concerns we should discuss before I take a look?"
Do I have concerns? Let me think, do I have concerns that it's been 3 years, 4 IUI's, 5 rounds of Clomid and a clinic IVF trial and I'm STILL not pregnant....???
"Umm, no I guess not"
She chuckles and says "you had to think a minute huh?"
This is where I tear up...
"Well, we've been trying for 3 years to have another child. We've been to an RE and to University of Iowa and are now trying to figure out if we can financially afford to do another IVF cycle...." Deep breaths so she can't see the tears.
"Oh, well I'm sure they'll be able to help you."
She does the exam, everything looks fine and she ends with "I guess you don't need any birth control then, right?"
WTF, no I don't
"No, no meds needed."
"Well, I'm sure the next time I see you, you'll be pregnant"

Yeah, right.

I made it to the car before the tears came at last.
Why was this so hard? It's not like I've not been around pregnant people. It's not like I haven't been to a doctor before and discussed this. After 3+ years, this should get easier shouldn't it? I'm a big girl and pretty good about handling it most of the time. Yet, there I was, sitting in my car with tears streaming down my eyes.

If the trial had worked, I'd have a baby. My due date would have been 2 weeks ago. Is it starting to catch up with me? Who knows. I called Mr. and cried to him. Then I went shopping.

Ambassadors

Our family has been chosen to be the 2009 March of Dimes Ambassador Family for our area. We are honored to have been chosen. Boo represents the best possible outcome for preemies. I want to make sure that everyone knows that we realize that we are incredibly lucky.

I had to write "Grant's Story" in less than 350 words. GAH! How can I possibly describe learning that your child may die at birth, seeing bright red blood, hearing him cry for the first time, watching him lift off in a helicopter before I even got to touch him for the first time, watching him turn blue, hearing the monitors alarm, holding him for the first time, dreading the news from the nurses, giving him his first bath, watching him struggle to eat, looking at him smile, and all of the worry and fear of his first few year....in less than 350 words????

Here's what I came up with:

In August 2004, as first time parents, we were thinking about our nursery. Our baby was due November 13th, we had plenty of time. Little did we know we’d have 3 short weeks before meeting him. August 20th, we found out that I had a condition called Vasa Previa. If my water broke, our child would bleed to death before an emergency C-section could be performed. We were lucky enough to have a sonographer and doctor that caught this rare condition. I was air lifted to Iowa City immediately. After confirming the condition, I was sent home on bed rest. I ended up back at Genesis soon after for constant monitoring. We were walking the torturous line between wanting our child to have more time in utero and risking my water breaking. Our doctors supported us; we wouldn’t be where we are now without them.

Grant Spencer Smithson was born 9 weeks early on September 12, 2004. He was 4lbs, 2oz. At 24 hours old, Grant was airlifted to Iowa City because of suspected hydrocephalus. This was an incredibly hard moment. Although hydrocephalus was ruled out soon after he arrived, Grant had many issues to overcome. He received blood transfusions, surfactant for his lungs, and antibiotics. He was treated for Sepsis and, despite having received steroids in utero; he suffered from Respiratory Distress Syndrome.

We were not able to hold him until he was a week old. Holding Grant for the first time on my birthday was the best gift I’ve ever received. Our small family went through many trials that month. Grant, mom and dad rode the rollercoaster that is NICU for 42 days. He came home two days before our first anniversary.

Although he was behind in his milestones for the first two years, Grant is now a precocious preschooler who is caught up to his peers. He loves playing with cars of any kind and riding his BMX bike. He talks our ears off, amazes us with his insights and he is the joy of our lives.

Rejoicing

It's a new day.

HOPE! Don't ever underestimate the importance and significance being able to inspire a nation to HOPE again.

Chugging on

We've been preapproved for our loan that we'll use for our IVF. It amazes me that we are borrowing this amount of money in order to get pregnant. But a friend told me "You pay more than that for a car, and that' s just a CAR."

That's a good point! A car is nothing in comparison.

There's been stress at school....what's new? While I've decided not to be walked all over, I'm also not going to push something just to make a point. It's not worth it in the long run. My principal backs me and that's all that matters. If the secretary doesn't like me, that's her problem. I'm not going to make it much of mine.

Boo is doing well at school for now. I emailed his teacher yesterday and she reports that he's making progress. He's making an effort in his journal. (Let's not go into what I think about requiring a FOUR YEAR OLD to journal!)

So I'm chugging on. Hopefully I'll have updates on my cycle soon.

Show and Tell

This is what I did this weekend! I haven't scrapbooked since Boo was 9 months old! I attended Croptoberfest on Saturday with a friend because I knew how very far behind I was. I finished 12 pages AND a calendar! I am so glad I went.

What was really neat was that Boo and Daddy and I read Boo's scrapbook before he went to bed. He really liked pointing out things in the pictures. He loved the pictures of himself in the hospital too. What a sweetie!

It's Official!!

We recieved our letter today telling us that we've qualified for the Shared Risk program!

This is great news for us. Now we just need to get our loan paperwork rolling.

It's funny how things work out isn't it? On my message board group, we've had a rash of unexpected pregnancy announcements. Several of these women are now on their second child since I've been trying...it was getting to be pretty depressing.

But it is beginning to look up around here!

When we left our heroine

She was busy with birthdays.

Since then, lots has happened, so here's a quick recap...

AF showed last friday (boo!)

I went for my U/S to check follicles. I needed 12, I had EXACTLY 12! (yes!)

I've gotten notes home from school about Boo. Let me count them....btwn notes, emails and phone calls, that makes 7 in the last 3 weeks. One good, the rest not so much.

He doesn't like to draw, color or cut. He is now refusing to do so. So they are sending his work to the after school program he attends. He tells me he doesnt' know why he doesn't do them, but if pushed he says it's too hard.

It came to a head last night. I mean for Goodness Sake, he's FOUR! He just turned four, and they are punishing him for not COLORING! SIGH....

I talked with his teacher on the phone today. While I don't agree with her emphasis on this, as he's following all other directions, I am going to give it a bit more time. She's going to give immediate feedback for success. (he earned a prize for writing in his notebook today) I insisted he get an OT referral.

He has 4 days off, so that will be a nice break.

I have more to write on this....but I need to gather my thoughts first. Right now though, I'm going to relish the fact that we are going to Chicago this weekend as a family!