What to do?

I was cleaning and organizing yesterday for a holiday party we're having this weekend. I bleached the kithen counters. (Who was it that thought white tile with white grout on a kitchen counter was a good idea?) Then moved to organizing.

I was working on the downstairs bookcase, going through things that had been piled there, when I came upon the pictures of our embryos. I'd had Mr put them up for me after the negative blood work last March. But here they were, staring me in the face.

I looked at them for a few minutes, re-reading the embryologist's notes. I looked long and hard at teh pictures, what I was looking for I don't know. Answers of some kind, I'm sure. Maybe a message or a hint as to why, but there were no answers to be found.

I put them up, hid them really. I don't quite know what to do with them. What do you do with pictures of embyos that didn't implant? I can't see scrapbooking them. I can't imagine throwing them away.

What did you do with yours?

Show and Tell Festival of Trees

Festival of Trees

For Show and Tell today, I'm showing our pictures of Festival of Trees. I hope that Mel doesn't mind that it's not an "object" but an observation.

Festival of Trees is a local tradition around our area. We hadn't taken Boo in the past few years because we weren't sure how he'd like it. As you can see, he loved it! He frosted cookies, played games, looked a beautiful trees. The highlight for him was listening to a children's choir perform and getting a chance to run the electric train set.

This time of year makes me wish I were a child again. There is so much holiday stress anymore, but taking him to Festival of Trees made me realize that we can all be like kids....just enjoy the magic in THEIR eyes!

Yesterday was St. Nicolas day. My mother used to fill our stockings with a bit of candy and new mittens and hats. When Boo woke yesterday, next to his shoes under the tree were new slippers and some chocolate and a coloring book. Now he's asking all the time how soon Santa will be here. His wonderment makes me smile!

Hitting me where it hurts...

Boo's teacher is now out on bed rest in anticipation of her baby being born. I know that this means they've been talking about it in school. I'm not nearly as neurotic as I used to be about it. He has a long term sub and we've talked a little about Mrs. J having her baby.

So all this talk of the baby at school led to this conversation last Saturday.

I wasn't feeling well as I'm getting a cold. We went to Micky D's after dropping my car off to get detailed. I was rubbing my forehead because of my sinus infection.

As we are eating, Boo looks at me and says


Mom, I know what you need!
Really, what's that?
You need a BABY! No, you need two babies, a boy baby AND a girl baby!
Then he says...
Mom, you need a baby to hold and cuddle, that would make you feel better. I could help you take care of them. Then I'd be a BIG brother! I'd be a good big brother, wouldn't I?

Ahh...to be that innocent. He's also said this past week After Christmas, babies come Mom! That will be so nice to have a baby.

Boo is so innocent and loving. He WOULD make an amazing big brother! He cares about others, he gives love unconditionally. He is genuinely interersted in other people and wants them to know him. He has no idea and I love him for that. I admire his faith and outlook. I need to adopt a little of it myself it seems.

Apparently I'm a mess......

I had my "yearly" exam yesterday. The last one was done at U of I, so when I called, I got in to see the NP instead of the doc. No big deal, or so I thought.

I'd been dreading a little this for some reason. I knew going to the OB would mean being surrounded by pregnant women, but I thought I could handle it.

Not so much.

I had to update my paperwork since it had been 2 years since I'd been in the office. So I filled it out and grabbed a copy of Concieve magazine (where I found a reference to MEL at Stirrup Queens), trying to ignore the mulititude of pregnant women and their hubbies sitting in the waiting room. I get called up to pick up my insurance cards. When I return to my seat, it's been taken along with my magazine by an obviously pregnant woman! HELLO! YOU DON'T NEED THAT MAGAZINE, YOU ALREADY GOT PREGNANT!

Whatever

So I get called back and the NP does all of the preliminary work.
Then she says to me "do you have any concerns we should discuss before I take a look?"
Do I have concerns? Let me think, do I have concerns that it's been 3 years, 4 IUI's, 5 rounds of Clomid and a clinic IVF trial and I'm STILL not pregnant....???
"Umm, no I guess not"
She chuckles and says "you had to think a minute huh?"
This is where I tear up...
"Well, we've been trying for 3 years to have another child. We've been to an RE and to University of Iowa and are now trying to figure out if we can financially afford to do another IVF cycle...." Deep breaths so she can't see the tears.
"Oh, well I'm sure they'll be able to help you."
She does the exam, everything looks fine and she ends with "I guess you don't need any birth control then, right?"
WTF, no I don't
"No, no meds needed."
"Well, I'm sure the next time I see you, you'll be pregnant"

Yeah, right.

I made it to the car before the tears came at last.
Why was this so hard? It's not like I've not been around pregnant people. It's not like I haven't been to a doctor before and discussed this. After 3+ years, this should get easier shouldn't it? I'm a big girl and pretty good about handling it most of the time. Yet, there I was, sitting in my car with tears streaming down my eyes.

If the trial had worked, I'd have a baby. My due date would have been 2 weeks ago. Is it starting to catch up with me? Who knows. I called Mr. and cried to him. Then I went shopping.

Ambassadors

Our family has been chosen to be the 2009 March of Dimes Ambassador Family for our area. We are honored to have been chosen. Boo represents the best possible outcome for preemies. I want to make sure that everyone knows that we realize that we are incredibly lucky.

I had to write "Grant's Story" in less than 350 words. GAH! How can I possibly describe learning that your child may die at birth, seeing bright red blood, hearing him cry for the first time, watching him lift off in a helicopter before I even got to touch him for the first time, watching him turn blue, hearing the monitors alarm, holding him for the first time, dreading the news from the nurses, giving him his first bath, watching him struggle to eat, looking at him smile, and all of the worry and fear of his first few year....in less than 350 words????

Here's what I came up with:

In August 2004, as first time parents, we were thinking about our nursery. Our baby was due November 13th, we had plenty of time. Little did we know we’d have 3 short weeks before meeting him. August 20th, we found out that I had a condition called Vasa Previa. If my water broke, our child would bleed to death before an emergency C-section could be performed. We were lucky enough to have a sonographer and doctor that caught this rare condition. I was air lifted to Iowa City immediately. After confirming the condition, I was sent home on bed rest. I ended up back at Genesis soon after for constant monitoring. We were walking the torturous line between wanting our child to have more time in utero and risking my water breaking. Our doctors supported us; we wouldn’t be where we are now without them.

Grant Spencer Smithson was born 9 weeks early on September 12, 2004. He was 4lbs, 2oz. At 24 hours old, Grant was airlifted to Iowa City because of suspected hydrocephalus. This was an incredibly hard moment. Although hydrocephalus was ruled out soon after he arrived, Grant had many issues to overcome. He received blood transfusions, surfactant for his lungs, and antibiotics. He was treated for Sepsis and, despite having received steroids in utero; he suffered from Respiratory Distress Syndrome.

We were not able to hold him until he was a week old. Holding Grant for the first time on my birthday was the best gift I’ve ever received. Our small family went through many trials that month. Grant, mom and dad rode the rollercoaster that is NICU for 42 days. He came home two days before our first anniversary.

Although he was behind in his milestones for the first two years, Grant is now a precocious preschooler who is caught up to his peers. He loves playing with cars of any kind and riding his BMX bike. He talks our ears off, amazes us with his insights and he is the joy of our lives.

Rejoicing

It's a new day.

HOPE! Don't ever underestimate the importance and significance being able to inspire a nation to HOPE again.

Chugging on

We've been preapproved for our loan that we'll use for our IVF. It amazes me that we are borrowing this amount of money in order to get pregnant. But a friend told me "You pay more than that for a car, and that' s just a CAR."

That's a good point! A car is nothing in comparison.

There's been stress at school....what's new? While I've decided not to be walked all over, I'm also not going to push something just to make a point. It's not worth it in the long run. My principal backs me and that's all that matters. If the secretary doesn't like me, that's her problem. I'm not going to make it much of mine.

Boo is doing well at school for now. I emailed his teacher yesterday and she reports that he's making progress. He's making an effort in his journal. (Let's not go into what I think about requiring a FOUR YEAR OLD to journal!)

So I'm chugging on. Hopefully I'll have updates on my cycle soon.