What to do?

I was cleaning and organizing yesterday for a holiday party we're having this weekend. I bleached the kithen counters. (Who was it that thought white tile with white grout on a kitchen counter was a good idea?) Then moved to organizing.

I was working on the downstairs bookcase, going through things that had been piled there, when I came upon the pictures of our embryos. I'd had Mr put them up for me after the negative blood work last March. But here they were, staring me in the face.

I looked at them for a few minutes, re-reading the embryologist's notes. I looked long and hard at teh pictures, what I was looking for I don't know. Answers of some kind, I'm sure. Maybe a message or a hint as to why, but there were no answers to be found.

I put them up, hid them really. I don't quite know what to do with them. What do you do with pictures of embyos that didn't implant? I can't see scrapbooking them. I can't imagine throwing them away.

What did you do with yours?

Hitting me where it hurts...

Boo's teacher is now out on bed rest in anticipation of her baby being born. I know that this means they've been talking about it in school. I'm not nearly as neurotic as I used to be about it. He has a long term sub and we've talked a little about Mrs. J having her baby.

So all this talk of the baby at school led to this conversation last Saturday.

I wasn't feeling well as I'm getting a cold. We went to Micky D's after dropping my car off to get detailed. I was rubbing my forehead because of my sinus infection.

As we are eating, Boo looks at me and says


Mom, I know what you need!
Really, what's that?
You need a BABY! No, you need two babies, a boy baby AND a girl baby!
Then he says...
Mom, you need a baby to hold and cuddle, that would make you feel better. I could help you take care of them. Then I'd be a BIG brother! I'd be a good big brother, wouldn't I?

Ahh...to be that innocent. He's also said this past week After Christmas, babies come Mom! That will be so nice to have a baby.

Boo is so innocent and loving. He WOULD make an amazing big brother! He cares about others, he gives love unconditionally. He is genuinely interersted in other people and wants them to know him. He has no idea and I love him for that. I admire his faith and outlook. I need to adopt a little of it myself it seems.

Round and Round

As I sat waiting for our literacy meeting to start today, two other teachers from my building were talking. A was talking to V, explaining the arrangements they are making for when her #2 arrives this summer. She's due in June. She said something along the lines of "my husband said to me, 'what were we thinking, two is going to be a lot more work than one.'" V replied, that is part of what my husband and I discussed. Part of the reason we decided not to do IVF is that we are so comfy and in our routine with our son. Throughout the morning, V kept bringing up other reasons why it would be okay for her son to be an only child.

I chose not to participate in the discussion for several reasons, not the least of which being that V is good friends with my mortal enemy and I just didn't want to open myself up to that. Another reason I didn't speak up was that I thought about what Jane said at One Smart Mama in the post about regifting words.

But the overall reason I didn't join in is that I'd have to side with one or the other. If I agreed that V shouldn't have any more or pursue any more, would that mean that *I* shouldn't either? Up until now, I haven't really had to face that decision. I still don't want to. I'm not ready to say "Boo will be an only child." V is facing that and what I heard was her justifying her decisions as if she HAD to. I'm not ready to go there.

It's like when you come to a crossroads (watch me get all symbolic here)...but I don't want to make a decision yet. I'm not ready. So instead of a crossroads, let's call this a roundabout. I can get on and off whenever I want to or continue to go in circles. I'm not ready to turn any one corner yet. I'm not sure if we are firmly in the "pursuing pregnancy" camp or the "one and done" camp. So I'll hang out in the roundabout for a while. I'm sure I'll get dizzy sooner or later. But right now...round we go.

My support

A friend asked about our results yesterday.
When I told her, she said exactly the right thing..."I cannot imagine how you are grieving right now."

Hearing those words spoken soothed me and I realized that this wasn't just not being pregnant this time. This was the past six months and all our hopes. It was countless early morning trips, time off work. It was needles and meds that made me emotional. It was prayers and tears and lots of work.

I made Mr put all the meds away, I don't want to see them, but I can't seem to take the picture of the embryos off of the fridge. Not yet at least.

Mr has been so affected by the outcome of the trial...

Usually, no matter what, I am the strong one....when we got Boo's diagnosis, when his mom was sick, when his dad and grandfather died ....he just isn't the one to handle things, I am. I keep it together and take care of him.

But this time, although he has cried with me and been truly truly affected (he's doing all this research, has updated his resume to possible find a new job with more $ or IF benefits) but yet, is SO taking care of me.

Without a word, when I asked him to pack up the meds last night so I didn't have to look at them, he did. He waited for me at the door when I finally got home tuesday night (at 8:45) and was just there for me. He told me I don't have to do anything I don't want to and lets me just be...

Tonight, he brought me my favorite "I can't eat anything but need to" takeout and then when I offhandedly mentioned that I wanted chocolate covered almonds, put on his shoes and brought me back ALL of my favorite chocolate....dark chocolate covered almonds, whoppers, cadbury mini eggs and a Ghiradrdelli toffee interlude bar

He's been wonderful and supportive and so gentle and understanding so I needed to brag him up. He's told people that I don't feel like talking and will call when I am. He's also told them what not to say. He's dried my tears and his own and I love him for it.