Even Though I Don't Like Meme's, I am in the Mood...30 Things You (Probably) Already Know About Me...Or not.

1. I am the youngest girl of 8 children. I have 5 brothers and two sisters and 22 nieces and nephews.
2. My parents call me the "oldest of the second family" as they had 6 in 7 years and then a ten year gap (mc's) and then me.
3. My older brothers and sisters voted on my name...hence my name is Linda Michelle. If my mother had won, I'd be a "Shelley."
4. I am a knitter. I learned to knit when I came back from my maternity leave after Boo was born. I knit a lot while pumping.
5. I have freckles. My "name" littleangelkisses comes from my father. When I'd complain about my freckles, he'd tell me they were angel kisses.
6. Mr and I met via the internet.
7. I eat wierd things. I like fried chicken livers. I also adore tomato sandwiches on white bread with miracle whip. When I'm sick I eat SpagettiO's warm on white buttered bread.
8. I am a 6th and 7th grade reading teacher.
9. I teach in a very low SES school.
10. I have been at the same school for the entire time I've been teaching.
11. I've been at the same job for 12 years.
12. I am the only child in my family to graduate from college.
13. I have a Master's endorsement in ELL and am almost finished with my Masters in Reading.
14. I am applying for a grant to University of Iowa for Teacher Librarians.
15. Mr and I have been married 5 years.
16. I often invite people over to my house for dinner because I need to clean the house and can't get motiviated.
17. I am a good cook but hate to bake.
18. I used to be a restaurant manager at a 24 hour restaurant. ICK
19. We are going to be the March of Dimes Ambassador Family for 2009 in our area.
20. My favorite book is Gone with the Wind. It's the only book I've read many times. I found it in our basement after the nuns at school told us we couldn't order it from the Scholastic Book orders!
21. I didn't see the movie Gone with the Wind until I had graduated from High School.
22. I went to Catholic schools from Kindergarten through college.
23. My sister and I look so much alike that in my wedding pictures, my students asked me if we were twins. (not so fun as she's 12 years older than I am!)
24. I used to work in a jewelry store. I was good at that!
25. I don't have very many close close friends.
26. I have a propensity to pop any zit I see on myself or Mr. He hates this.
27. I was a virgin until I was 22.
28. I didn't even have a first kiss until I was 21!
29. I've lived in Iowa for 14 years.
30. My real first name is Linda.

What to do?

I was cleaning and organizing yesterday for a holiday party we're having this weekend. I bleached the kithen counters. (Who was it that thought white tile with white grout on a kitchen counter was a good idea?) Then moved to organizing.

I was working on the downstairs bookcase, going through things that had been piled there, when I came upon the pictures of our embryos. I'd had Mr put them up for me after the negative blood work last March. But here they were, staring me in the face.

I looked at them for a few minutes, re-reading the embryologist's notes. I looked long and hard at teh pictures, what I was looking for I don't know. Answers of some kind, I'm sure. Maybe a message or a hint as to why, but there were no answers to be found.

I put them up, hid them really. I don't quite know what to do with them. What do you do with pictures of embyos that didn't implant? I can't see scrapbooking them. I can't imagine throwing them away.

What did you do with yours?

Apparently I'm a mess......

I had my "yearly" exam yesterday. The last one was done at U of I, so when I called, I got in to see the NP instead of the doc. No big deal, or so I thought.

I'd been dreading a little this for some reason. I knew going to the OB would mean being surrounded by pregnant women, but I thought I could handle it.

Not so much.

I had to update my paperwork since it had been 2 years since I'd been in the office. So I filled it out and grabbed a copy of Concieve magazine (where I found a reference to MEL at Stirrup Queens), trying to ignore the mulititude of pregnant women and their hubbies sitting in the waiting room. I get called up to pick up my insurance cards. When I return to my seat, it's been taken along with my magazine by an obviously pregnant woman! HELLO! YOU DON'T NEED THAT MAGAZINE, YOU ALREADY GOT PREGNANT!

Whatever

So I get called back and the NP does all of the preliminary work.
Then she says to me "do you have any concerns we should discuss before I take a look?"
Do I have concerns? Let me think, do I have concerns that it's been 3 years, 4 IUI's, 5 rounds of Clomid and a clinic IVF trial and I'm STILL not pregnant....???
"Umm, no I guess not"
She chuckles and says "you had to think a minute huh?"
This is where I tear up...
"Well, we've been trying for 3 years to have another child. We've been to an RE and to University of Iowa and are now trying to figure out if we can financially afford to do another IVF cycle...." Deep breaths so she can't see the tears.
"Oh, well I'm sure they'll be able to help you."
She does the exam, everything looks fine and she ends with "I guess you don't need any birth control then, right?"
WTF, no I don't
"No, no meds needed."
"Well, I'm sure the next time I see you, you'll be pregnant"

Yeah, right.

I made it to the car before the tears came at last.
Why was this so hard? It's not like I've not been around pregnant people. It's not like I haven't been to a doctor before and discussed this. After 3+ years, this should get easier shouldn't it? I'm a big girl and pretty good about handling it most of the time. Yet, there I was, sitting in my car with tears streaming down my eyes.

If the trial had worked, I'd have a baby. My due date would have been 2 weeks ago. Is it starting to catch up with me? Who knows. I called Mr. and cried to him. Then I went shopping.

Ambassadors

Our family has been chosen to be the 2009 March of Dimes Ambassador Family for our area. We are honored to have been chosen. Boo represents the best possible outcome for preemies. I want to make sure that everyone knows that we realize that we are incredibly lucky.

I had to write "Grant's Story" in less than 350 words. GAH! How can I possibly describe learning that your child may die at birth, seeing bright red blood, hearing him cry for the first time, watching him lift off in a helicopter before I even got to touch him for the first time, watching him turn blue, hearing the monitors alarm, holding him for the first time, dreading the news from the nurses, giving him his first bath, watching him struggle to eat, looking at him smile, and all of the worry and fear of his first few year....in less than 350 words????

Here's what I came up with:

In August 2004, as first time parents, we were thinking about our nursery. Our baby was due November 13th, we had plenty of time. Little did we know we’d have 3 short weeks before meeting him. August 20th, we found out that I had a condition called Vasa Previa. If my water broke, our child would bleed to death before an emergency C-section could be performed. We were lucky enough to have a sonographer and doctor that caught this rare condition. I was air lifted to Iowa City immediately. After confirming the condition, I was sent home on bed rest. I ended up back at Genesis soon after for constant monitoring. We were walking the torturous line between wanting our child to have more time in utero and risking my water breaking. Our doctors supported us; we wouldn’t be where we are now without them.

Grant Spencer Smithson was born 9 weeks early on September 12, 2004. He was 4lbs, 2oz. At 24 hours old, Grant was airlifted to Iowa City because of suspected hydrocephalus. This was an incredibly hard moment. Although hydrocephalus was ruled out soon after he arrived, Grant had many issues to overcome. He received blood transfusions, surfactant for his lungs, and antibiotics. He was treated for Sepsis and, despite having received steroids in utero; he suffered from Respiratory Distress Syndrome.

We were not able to hold him until he was a week old. Holding Grant for the first time on my birthday was the best gift I’ve ever received. Our small family went through many trials that month. Grant, mom and dad rode the rollercoaster that is NICU for 42 days. He came home two days before our first anniversary.

Although he was behind in his milestones for the first two years, Grant is now a precocious preschooler who is caught up to his peers. He loves playing with cars of any kind and riding his BMX bike. He talks our ears off, amazes us with his insights and he is the joy of our lives.

My support

A friend asked about our results yesterday.
When I told her, she said exactly the right thing..."I cannot imagine how you are grieving right now."

Hearing those words spoken soothed me and I realized that this wasn't just not being pregnant this time. This was the past six months and all our hopes. It was countless early morning trips, time off work. It was needles and meds that made me emotional. It was prayers and tears and lots of work.

I made Mr put all the meds away, I don't want to see them, but I can't seem to take the picture of the embryos off of the fridge. Not yet at least.

Mr has been so affected by the outcome of the trial...

Usually, no matter what, I am the strong one....when we got Boo's diagnosis, when his mom was sick, when his dad and grandfather died ....he just isn't the one to handle things, I am. I keep it together and take care of him.

But this time, although he has cried with me and been truly truly affected (he's doing all this research, has updated his resume to possible find a new job with more $ or IF benefits) but yet, is SO taking care of me.

Without a word, when I asked him to pack up the meds last night so I didn't have to look at them, he did. He waited for me at the door when I finally got home tuesday night (at 8:45) and was just there for me. He told me I don't have to do anything I don't want to and lets me just be...

Tonight, he brought me my favorite "I can't eat anything but need to" takeout and then when I offhandedly mentioned that I wanted chocolate covered almonds, put on his shoes and brought me back ALL of my favorite chocolate....dark chocolate covered almonds, whoppers, cadbury mini eggs and a Ghiradrdelli toffee interlude bar

He's been wonderful and supportive and so gentle and understanding so I needed to brag him up. He's told people that I don't feel like talking and will call when I am. He's also told them what not to say. He's dried my tears and his own and I love him for it.