I am so jaded

That I can't even hop on the "a line is a line" bus anymore. I have a friend who is seeing faint faint lines at 13dpo. Everyone is telling her she's pregnant and I can't.

It's not fair to her to do that...it just makes it worse if the line never gets darker.

But she doesn't know, no one does, that I've been there and didn't post those pictures. I didn't, for reasons I can't quite express without sounding to someone who hasn't been there like a huge huge bitch.

I think the elephant is in the room, but I can't talk about it quite yet.

Random thoughts floating through my head....

A woman I know from a mommy board I'm on just announced her BPF at 8dpo. She's already had 2 recent early early miscarriages. I don't know how I feel about this...maybe what gets me is the "I KNEW I was pregnant this time. I felt implantation and there was no question I'd be pregnant, but I NEVER expected the test to be positive this early!!!!" Why this bothers me...I have no idea. It just does.

In another board related thought...a friend of a friend's water broke at 20 weeks. Everyone is expressing their outrage that: "They said there is nothing they can do and if she has the baby in the next 48 hours, he'll die. If he makes it to 24 weeks, he'll be severely special needs. If she can make it to 36 weeks, he'll probably be okay. AND they don't put her on bedrest, tell her she can go to work today... I'm sorry but what the fuck kind of doctor does this????? " my thoughts...and it's just what I think...so I'm sure there will be those that disagree: I'm sorry, but if you do the research on it, her doctor...while not being kind about it...it correct...
Should he have put it that way, NO. BUT she does need to know the distinct possibilities of severe disabilities and even death. He is being responsible in telling her the true outcomes. She is only 20 weeks. Yes, there have been micro preemies that survive, but the outcomes for them are very very low.
YES there have been lots of infants that have survived prematurity but many have lasting effects, some severe, some mild.
Also, 20 weeks is MUCH MUCH MUCH different than 30 weeks. Even 24 weeks is a huge milestone in survival.
I'm very sorry that your friend is going through this, but let's realize that her doctor was being honest with her. Now I know this sounds harsh, but I hear all the time about how "I know a baby born early and they are fine..." My own son is caught up completely, but that is not to say that ALL babies born early are. I know a little girl born gestationally 5 days after Boo that has multiple physical disabilities. We are the exception, not the rule. Granted, there have been many advancements in medical ability but in the long run, preemies especially early preemies have many issues.

I need to figure out where my head is...I'm having a hard time keeping up with everything and being given a lot of school things to do at very short notice. It's frustrating.

I want a weekend with Mr. Our anniversary is coming up soon, I need some time with JUST him! Boo is wonderful but Mr and I need to reconnect as a couple too.

It's finally fall today! YAY!

Will AF be on time? I sure hope so...you know how I am about time schedules. It's the virgo in me.

My eggies are in the freezer

Retrieval was this morning. They took out 12 eggs. Of those, 9 made it to the petri dish to grow. Of those, six made it to the freezer. I'm tired but doing well.

Sleep well eggies, you have until November to rest. We'll cycle then and treat it as a FET. I thought we'd do that in October but our clinic isn't in UP time then, so November it is.

I bought MORE cake today *insert embarassed face* I seem to have a cake buying problem lately. I bought Boo 2 cakes and cupcakes. Today we stopped at my new favorite cake bakery and I got a piece of carrot cake (not eaten yet) and I picked out a black and white cake for my birthday tomorrow.....mmmmm

Important Dates!

Wednesday is my birthday...my THIRTY SIXTH birthday. With all this rush to get into the study, this is by far going to be a harder birthday than 35. Since May, I've been racing to beat this milestone. I think it's been hard for me to even anticipate my birthday because I've been trying to make sure I make the age cut off.

Funny, when we are anticipating 21 we want to get there so quickly. Now, if I could just stay in that 21-35 age limit a little longer...they don't tell you how quickly these "fertile years" are going to go and that we shouldn't waste them. That is the point of the study though, to provide women the option of freezing eggs and fertilizing them at a later date successfully. In that respect, I'm proud to be doing this.

Egg retrieval is set for Tuesday! I had 7 follicles over 16mm today. The study says that I could trigger tonight and do retrieval Monday but the clinic likes to wait a bit longer. So Tuesday it is!

There is a chance that since I'm the *first* to go through this that the head of the entire study will fly in for the retrieval. Miami is on our heels and for some odd reason, I really would feel special to be the first.

It's a darn good thing I took the whole day off!

But first things first: Opening his gift from his Godfather as soon as he got dressed today:

Boo is three!!

This will be a quickie as I have a ton of work to do for my class tonight and we are taking Boo out for his birthday at 4.

Because it took until 12:30 before I got out of there!

Okay....here goes:

I have FOURTEEN follicles growing! The protocol on the trial said I must have more 6 or more AND my E2 level needed to be over 500. We had to wait a while for the blood work to get back. My E2 level is 358. Michelle and the head doctor lobbied pretty hard for me. She said (and I quote) "We are not going down without a fight!"

I am the first person in the country to go through the trial so all the little questions are getting worked out on me. They had to call and talk with the trial people who had to discuss. While they were doing that, we made contingency plans to convert to a regular IVF if I got booted from the study. I talked with the financial lady and everything. It would be stupid to cancel the whole thing if I got booted b/c up to now everything has been paid for. So if we convert our OOP costs would be substantially less than regular IVF (even IVF with our ins)

I couldn't leave because if I wasn't booted, I had to get more meds to get me through. She couldn't give them to me until we go the go ahead.

BUT...about 12:15 Michelle came in with a HUGE smile on her face and WE ARE CLEARED!!!

They would have never cancelled me if this was a regular IVF and think my E2 levels aren't high because I'm on only one stim med and they usually do 2 different types.

EGG RETRIEVAL IS TENTATIVELY SET FOR MONDAY! We go in Saturday at the buttcrack of dawn to confirm and set up the retrieval appointment.

I AM SOOOOOO HAPPY I CAN'T STOP SMILING!!!

Big Day Tomorrow

Tomorrow is an important day.

First and foremost, It's Boo's THIRD birthday! He's such a great kid, even when he tries my patience. I adore this wonderful boy and am thankful every minute that he's alive.

Secondly and pretty importantly, I have an ultrasound and blood work tomorrow morning. My E2 has to be up to 500 to participate in the study. It was 93 yesterday. I am not really sure what that means..."must be at 500 for study purposes" Does it mean that I'm done? Does it mean since I technically started fertility injections before I turned 36 that we can try again? What does it mean?

I'm trying actively NOT to think about it. I can't DO anything about it. That's the killer, I can't DO anything about it! Sigh...let's go ovaries, get on the move.

I took the entire day off tomorrow. My U/S is scheduled for 8:45 in Iowa City. I will have to call and get blood work results tomorrow afternoon. I don't want to do that with a roomful of students and then have to deal with news and them. I am trying to be optomistic, but I also don't want to have to spend all tomorrow afternoon/evening having to hold either good or bad news in.

At least this way I can go with Boo and Mr for Boo's birthday dinner before my master's class!

Will you cross your fingers for me? (pretty please?)

Up a bit **but not enough** updated

E2 level: 93
Sticks on the arm: ONE YES>>One glorious stick and he drew blood! YIPEE

I will increase Gonal.F to 450 tonight and tomorrow. The thing is that I only have 450 left total! I talked with Michelle today and she'll get more for me...but that means another 2 hour trip to get it. I should have called her before huh?

Oh well, I'm going with being optomistic that the rising number is a sign of good things.


******************UPDATE*******************************************************'

If my E2 level isn't 500 by Wednesday I'm out of the study.

I am taking deep calming breaths and hoping for the best. 450 is the highest dose of Gonal F they can give me. Let's hope this works!