IF is like a necklace....

Do you ever feel like you just can't get away from your IF? It's like a weight around your neck. A small weight, but you can still feel it there, every day. I'm feeling like that lately. I keep being reminded of my IF, everywhere I go.

First, as I've said before, I'm surrounded by pregnant women.

Then, there's the problem of scheduling my treatements. It turns out that my next cycle will nicely coinside with our ITBS schedule at school. Any teachers out there? Yeah, you understand don't you? I fought to be able to test "my" reading students in my class. I teach struggling readers in 7th grade. I want them to take the test with ME, not in some random homeroom where the teacher may or may not care. (that's being callous I know, but it can be very true) Our new principal agrees and we look at our schedule and how to do this. As we are, I look at the calendar and realize that our Thaw/Fertlize/Transfer is right at that time. Niiiiice..... Yes, I had to tell her that depending on my medical issues I may not be able to be there. She was awesome and we worked out a contingency plan, but it's far from best case scenario.

Thirdly, our best friend's cousin is pregnant. She is 23, has been in trouble with the law and single. She had a one night stand with someone at the hotel she was working at and is pregnant. If that wasn't bad enough, she has been in preterm labor. She'd due on Valentine's day. She went into labor at 28 weeks and they stopped it. She then went into labor again last weekend. My friend and I were talking about it, as she is one of A's labor coaches. She realized as they were asking her the admitting questions that A hasn't quit smoking! Then she pointed out that A's Aunt, whom she's living with is a chain smoker as well. I about lost it (inside, I think I hid it well) I cannot imagine, especially having had a preemie how someone, especially someone who is studying to be a nurse, can even FATHOM bringing a premature infant home to a house filled with smoke. I get angry even thinking that she's allowed to get pregnant so easily yet....well, you know the rest.

Then, I vented on a board I'm on about this and got a response like this....

I know what you mean- I am TTC and when I am in public and see teenagers pushing around babies I cringe.... Good thing I have COMPLETE trust in God's perfect planning and timing in my own life. I know He is holding out for a good reason.

Now, I must point out that this is coming from a woman who has been TTC a WHOLE 5 MONTHS! Are you kidding me?? Seriously, I hope you can retain your COMPLETE faith in God when you have been TTC for over 2 years, when you watch babies that were concieved after you started trying turn a year old. Come to me THEN and talk to me about how God is holding out for a good reason!!

Then, the final straw...the Law and Order: SVU episode. I thought for the most part it was well done. Of course there was every controversy in the book mentioned in the episode. I was irritated at some parts but overall it was okay.

My husband, after watching the first 5 minutes turns to me and says "you just can't get away from this stuff, huh?" Nope, I can't. It's that pendant around my neck that is just a little to heavy. It won't cause me backaches. I won't drown from wearing it, but I get a little tired of it after a while.

Left out

I hate waiting. I always have. If I want something, I get it as soon as I can. I'm a procrasinator, but waiting is hard.

This wait for the study is particularly hard. I am trying to stay positive but the further removed we are from the retrieval, the harder it's getting. I try to stay positive but little negative thoughts creep into my mind. It's easy to let them. It's easy to forget and take my eye off of the goal. It was great when I had things to keep me busy, appointments, holiday preparations, lots of people asking me about it.Now, it's just blah. No one asks anymore, not that I expect them to keep MY reproductive schedule in the forefront of their minds...but still.

I'm surrounded by pregnant women at work and I can't help but hear them talking about preparations, see them passing around ultrasound pictures, talking about names. They talk about paint colors and baby gear. I feel like an outsider. I don't get to participate like I'd like to. Oh, I give my opinions and things, but I see the glances. I can feel the unspoken pity there. It's there, just so silent and subtle. Part of me wants to tell them that I won't break, you can talk about it, but part of me wants to crawl in a hole and hide.

So I cover. I talk about Boo and how he's doing. I don't ask questions like everyone else because it means the conversation will just go on longer. I feel horrible about it. I don't want them not to talk about things, not to be excited. They deserve that, but don't I? When is my turn?

I'm selfish...a selfish bitch . I want to be included. I'm not.

On hold and surrounded by pregnant women

I just got the call. Because the company doing the study didn't get back to the research coordinator in time (I called on Sat. to report AF, we JUST heard) with the official protocol changes for the FET, our thaw/transfer won't be until next cycle. GRR...not happy, but I can't do much about it. So February will be our month...YES, YES it will! I'll use that good attitude everyone says I have and use it to my advantage.

I hit a low last friday though. I usually can handle pregnancy announcements pretty well. But another teacher announced her pregnancy on friday, followed by a mom at Boo's daycare. So now I know people due in : April, May, June, July and August. It's a bit much to handle don't you think? It was easier when they weren't visibly pregnant. It gets harder to see the bellies straining against fabric, knowing there is a life growing there. I'm jealous. It's not pretty.

So....I have another month to play with. I started back at the gym yesterday and I WILL lose the 5+ lbs I put on over the holidays. I'll shag my hubby without worrying about timing (but will also admit that to thinking "it could work". I'll take my master's classes which will kick my butt this semester. I've heard about this professor...and not in a good way. I'll stitch and bitch with my ladies and I'll not worry about it.

Right?

It's the new year. It's the new year and I'm looking for change.

2007 was overall a good year. I wish I'd have gotten pregnant this year, but I didn't. I can't change that, so I've decided not to dwell. I learned a long long time ago that you can't change the past.

The Power of Three made a nice toast to my getting pregnant this year. TPO3 were pretty good at getting my pg the first time, so why not this time huh? I should explain....TPO3 consists of my older sister, my SIL and myself. TPO3 made a toast to the conception of Boo right before he came about. Maybe this toast will bring me luck too huh?

AF should be here within the next few days. Then we start the thaw/fertilize/transfer process over again. 2008, bring me the change I would like, please?

Happy Happy....

Postponed (or A Weight Off my Shoulders)

This cycle was cancelled yesterday after my ultrasound. My lining was between 6 and 7 mm. For the study it needed to be 8mm. The monday ultrasound was measured incorrectly. I am cancelled until January.

At first it was a shock but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that the feeling I had was RELIEF. I wasn't in a positive frame of mind. I had bad vibes. I couldn't be positive even thought I was trying (really really trying)!

I found myself smiling as I was driving home from Iowa City. It's been a while since I just found myself smiling. Not that I'm a grump all the time, but I was just driving along, zoning out to whatever was on the XM and realized I had a smile on my face for no particular reason!

I feel happy and at peace with this change. There are lots of reasons but I won't go into them. I'm happy that we are waiting. January is a new year with new possibilities.

I'm happy

Hard Choices

From my last post, you can see how conflicted we are and how down I was. I'm a little better now. I say a little as in a smidge, a tad, a tiny bit.

After much consideration and debate, we've decided that if we have three embryos to transfer, we'll transfer three.

This is a very hard choice for us to make. Up until now we hadn't really considered transfering three. We had insurance to fall back on if the trial doesn't work so if we weren't pregnant after the trial, we had a back up. We would transfer the two that the trial requires (assuming we have two) and roll with the punches.

That's all changed now. We have one shot. No backup, at least not in the near future. As age and time are catching up with us, we have to take advantage of what we have.

The embryologist said she doubts that any embryos that fertilize will make it to blast so that they could be frozen for another shot. That means (to us) that if we only transfer 2 and we have more, they will be wasted. If she doesn't think they'll make blast stage, we can't use them.

We've thought on this and talked about it a lot. We aren't really prepared for triplets, that's for sure. But faced with it would we handle it? If we needed to, yes.

I'm angry that we have to make this choice. I feel like if we are up in front of a firing line. I know that some will judge us for transfering 3. But I feel like if we don't take this opportunity and do everything we can to have a child, we'll regret it forever. If we have 3 and only transfer 2 and don't get pregnant, I'll always doubt the decision. I'm mad that BCBS is forcing us to make this choice. Angry and sad.

I attended the March of Dimes Prematurity Summit today and heard doctors talk about how ART is contributing to multiple births. In addition to that there was mention that just using ART contributes to premature births. I feel guilty that I'm consiciously making a choice to put potentially put myself through something that I barely made it through the first time. I'm angry and scared.

I just want a normal pregnancy. I want to be able to carry a baby to term, a baby that will be loved and cherished. I'm being forced to choose the lessor (in my eyes) of two evils here. If I had coverage I'd be able to make safer choices for myself and my family.

These are harder choices than I can describe.