I was talking to my SIL about the family with the 4 month old son who was diagnosed with histiocytosis, a rare blood/cell disease. The baby is going through several rounds of She knows them and so I was passing the information along. I said something along the lines of "it makes you thankful for what you have." She responded with
" See, it should make you grateful. You could have gotten pregnant and had this happen to you. Then you'd have gone through all this worry and stuff and had this happen. You should be happy you aren't pregnant."
Good God, is there any end to this?
I wonder why everyone chooses to tell me that I was wrong to be so worried, to have tried so hard. WHY is this free fodder for conversation? How do you go from talking about a child with a life threatening illness to discussing my reproduction and why I shouldn't persue it anymore???!!?? Do I not have the right to have another child? Am I just supposed to sit back and hope for the best?
What the heck makes people think those observations/opinions are helpful in the least?
The thing about it is that while I'm talking to them, I always chicken out. I never say to them "this isn't helpful." Why am I not able to stand up and say "shut up!"? I should, but I don't.
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5 comments:
So she is saying that if she knew that the baby would have this disease, she wouldn't have had him?
No, I'm sure that's not at all what she would say if she was to think about it that way.
Verbal Diahrrea: saying something just because one doesn't know what to say.
So sorry. I would have kept my mouth shut too. Sometimes I feel like I keep it shut because I know I will say the wrong thing and be brought down to their level. Why don't more people think before they speak. My best one was a neighbor, who knew my IF struggles, that came over to cry b/c she was upset she was pg. She had gotten pg on the first month with both of her kids. Her dh had been in Irag and home for 10 days from being away for 9 months and she got pg. I had been trying for #3 for over a year and a half. How could she not think that this would bother me. I just stared at her blankly as she cried on my couch. I will never understand this.
As difficult as it may be, consider telling her that comments such as the one she made are hurtful and to please not say anything like that to you again. It will either stop her in her tracks or piss her off.
I'd opt for protecting myself - which I often did and it did cause problems until people really took time to understand how I was feeling and that their comments/actions only made it worse.
Because people are just plain stupid. They think they're helping but they're not. I hope one day you get the courage to say that "shut up". It sure will make you feel better.
People say the strangest things. She probably thought in some misguided way that she was helping. I think when us secondary infertiles say "I'm grateful for what I have" outsiders often take that to mean "I'm okay with just the one now, thanks" when you & I know that is not the case at all!! I would have felt like my face had been slapped with a comment like that. Yep, it amazes me too what people come up with it and how they just don't get it. Why is it so hard to understand, the maternal ache to have a child that you may not be able to have?
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