Friday, November 16, 2007

Postponed (or A Weight Off my Shoulders)

This cycle was cancelled yesterday after my ultrasound. My lining was between 6 and 7 mm. For the study it needed to be 8mm. The monday ultrasound was measured incorrectly. I am cancelled until January.

At first it was a shock but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that the feeling I had was RELIEF. I wasn't in a positive frame of mind. I had bad vibes. I couldn't be positive even thought I was trying (really really trying)!

I found myself smiling as I was driving home from Iowa City. It's been a while since I just found myself smiling. Not that I'm a grump all the time, but I was just driving along, zoning out to whatever was on the XM and realized I had a smile on my face for no particular reason!

I feel happy and at peace with this change. There are lots of reasons but I won't go into them. I'm happy that we are waiting. January is a new year with new possibilities.

I'm happy

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Hard Choices

From my last post, you can see how conflicted we are and how down I was. I'm a little better now. I say a little as in a smidge, a tad, a tiny bit.

After much consideration and debate, we've decided that if we have three embryos to transfer, we'll transfer three.

This is a very hard choice for us to make. Up until now we hadn't really considered transfering three. We had insurance to fall back on if the trial doesn't work so if we weren't pregnant after the trial, we had a back up. We would transfer the two that the trial requires (assuming we have two) and roll with the punches.

That's all changed now. We have one shot. No backup, at least not in the near future. As age and time are catching up with us, we have to take advantage of what we have.

The embryologist said she doubts that any embryos that fertilize will make it to blast so that they could be frozen for another shot. That means (to us) that if we only transfer 2 and we have more, they will be wasted. If she doesn't think they'll make blast stage, we can't use them.

We've thought on this and talked about it a lot. We aren't really prepared for triplets, that's for sure. But faced with it would we handle it? If we needed to, yes.

I'm angry that we have to make this choice. I feel like if we are up in front of a firing line. I know that some will judge us for transfering 3. But I feel like if we don't take this opportunity and do everything we can to have a child, we'll regret it forever. If we have 3 and only transfer 2 and don't get pregnant, I'll always doubt the decision. I'm mad that BCBS is forcing us to make this choice. Angry and sad.

I attended the March of Dimes Prematurity Summit today and heard doctors talk about how ART is contributing to multiple births. In addition to that there was mention that just using ART contributes to premature births. I feel guilty that I'm consiciously making a choice to put potentially put myself through something that I barely made it through the first time. I'm angry and scared.

I just want a normal pregnancy. I want to be able to carry a baby to term, a baby that will be loved and cherished. I'm being forced to choose the lessor (in my eyes) of two evils here. If I had coverage I'd be able to make safer choices for myself and my family.

These are harder choices than I can describe.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Mixed Emotions

I went for my ultrasound/bloodwork for the FET today. My lining ranges from 7.9 to 9.8 so that's good and it has the right shape they were looking for but there are "some irregularities"

No one really knows what that meant. I am to up my Estrace and come back on Thurs for another check.

We also met with the embryologist today. She admitted to being a "glass half empty" person. Even so, it's a bit disconcerting to hear "potential transfer" and "if any of the eggs fertilize" KWIM?

We signed papers to transfer 2 embryos. We could elect to tranfer up to three. After talking with the embryologist, she thinks two is a better option. We have the opportunity to grow any others that fertilize to blasts, although she is doubtful any will make it that far as "you have only 6 eggs frozen, three were mature at retrieval and three that matured before we froze them" She feels that the three that were mature are our best bet and is doubtful that the others will fertilized. I don't know how to feel...I mean I understand the risks of transfering 3 and ending up losing a triplet pregnancy BUT if this is our only shot, I feel like I should try to put 3 in (if we have 3) KWIM?

I'm officially freaked out now...

Jeff goes in Friday to drop off "the swimmers" They will thaw the eggs friday. Assuming they survive the thaw, we'll be able to call saturday and get the fertilization report. Assuming any fertilize the transfer will be Monday. (hear all that "assuming???)

We also learned how to do the PIO injections (umm OUCH OUCH)

We talked with the financial lady as well. She didn't have good news on fighting the insurance company over our preapproval. She said that she's had several couples fight the same fight and only once was the decision reversed.

All in all, I could use some "happy thoughts" and I'd like to call upon the prayer warriors if possible!

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Our Story

I was told when I was 26 or so that my mother took DES while pregnant with me to prevent miscairage and that it could affect me reproductively. I've talked with several doctors about this and was told that it didn't appear that I had any issues. Mr and I were married in October of 2003. We started to try for a child before we were even married as we were both 32 at the time. We were able to get pregnant after 7months TTC with Boo. Boo was born 9 weeks early as a result of a condition called Vasa Previa. His umbilical cord attached itself to my bag of water and cervix. If I had gone into labor and my water broke, he'd have bled to death in a matter of minutes.

We began to try for a second child when Boo was 13 months old. Mr lost his mother a week after Boo was born. Then his father died in December of 2004. He is an only child and doesn't want Boo to have to go through losing parents alone. There will soon be no one able to answer his questions about what he was like as a child. He has no one that knows him like a sibling would. We both want Boo to have someone when we are gone. It's very important to us.

After a year of temping and timed intercourse, we were still not pregnant. Although I had requested testing from my OB after 6 months of trying as I was turning 35, my OB told me that we had to wait for testing. We finally were able to get in and do semen analysis and other workups in December of 2006. When the OB found nothing, we decided to find an RE. We were officially diagnosed as "unexplained secondary infertility." After 4 Clomid/IUI cycles, the RE suggested that we move to IVF last summer. We looked into it and discovered that Mr's insurance would cover IVF but that we may qualify for a clinical trial. We decided to try for the trial because we had our insurance to fall back on. We pushed hard to get into the trial as it is for women 21-35. I was turning 36 in September. We continued to TTC while awaiting news on the trial but did not get pregnant.

After beginning the trial in September, the doctors at the trial let us know that the projected success rates from the trial were not as high as a normal IVF. We talked about it and decided that even though we knew that, we felt it was responsible to attempt the trial and then use insurance only as a last resort. Little did we know how that would change things. On September 12, as a back up we sent our request for IVF approval to our insurance agency and got a letter saying that we were approved for IVF. The approval states that it's valid for a year. On October 10th we were told that as of November 1st, 2007 our insurance would no longer cover IVF. Period...that's it we are out of luck. We are now in the middle of the clinical trial that we chose because we didn't want to use insurance unless necessary but have nothing to fall back on now. We are doing everything we can to make this procedure successful but now have little options of providing our son with a sibling if this doesn't work. We are hoping for the best...that our family will grow and provide us with another wonderful child who fulfills us as well as a sibling for our son.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Official protocol

I got the call today to schedule my appointments for the next two weeks. I go in for an ultrasound on the 12th and then possibly one on the 15th too. Mr goes in to drop off the swimmers on the 16th which is also thaw day. Transfer will be Monday November 19th.

I went for acupuncture today. I'll go again friday and then tuesday and thursday next week too. This is the second acupunturist that I've been to. I like her much better than the first. She explained exactly what she was doing and what it did. I liked that a lot. I even got some good "I will be pregnant again" vibes going !

Saturday, November 3, 2007


AF showed yesterday afternoon. Thank GOD. Tentatively, the transfer is scheduled for November 19. It may be moved up or down if the head researcher wants to come down for it. I started Estrace last night and ended up dry heaving while brushing my teeth this morning. I sure hope it was a fluke or the next while will not be fun.

Mr and I went to dinner and a movie last night. We talked a lot at dinner and it didn't help a lot...but then decided that showed that we do need to talk to someone to help guide us through this. I'm calling our EAP plan on monday. The rest of the night was good actually. We saw Dan In Real Life. It's totally not what I thought it would be but it was a PERFECT movie for us to see. It reminded us both that we are lucky to have found one another. Good mix of funny and sad.

So things seem to be moving along a little better...I hope we can stay on track.

Friday, November 2, 2007


AF should have been here on 10/28.
Yes, that was last sunday.
No, she's not here yet.
Yes, I've POAS several times.
No, there has not been so much as a shadow of a line.

I'm down. About a lot of things, I'm down. I don't feel excited about the transfer at all, yet. I'm going to add that "yet" because I'm trying to get excited. I can't until AF gets here though. This is SOOO hard.

I know it's been said over and over but damn it. I've spent so many months wanting not to get my period. Now, TWICE, when it's really important that she does show up on time, she's LATE. FOR NO GOOD REASON! I want to scream. My head hurts just thinking about the timing of this now. If she doesn't get here soon, we are looking at a Thanksgiving transfer. I'm not even sure they will DO that! Then how do I manage trips to family and a three year old over a weekend that I'm supposed to be flat on my back? I just want to cry.

On top of that, school...well school sucks. We were just told that we are now a SINA 4 school. What that means, to those of you not familiar with the lingo, is that because of NCLB, if our scores don't rise significantly in the next year we are screwed. The state can come in an replace administrators, teachers, programs and take our funds. What really sucks is that we don't even know how we got here. Our scores have gone up "some" in the last few years. We thought since they were going up that we'd be fine. BUT our administrator (our lovely new administrator) won't even show us the numbers so we know how we got here and where we need to go.

Home is busy. Busy and hectic and it's taking a toll. I find myself frustrated and angry a lot. Too much. At Boo and Mr and myself. I feel like I'm trying to keep all these different balls in the air. If I blink or don't have total control, they'll go flying and destroy all that we've worked for. I am exhausted and losing it. I lose my patience and get angry at Boo.

It's affecting my marriage. I'm not happy right now. I don't feel connected to Mr at all. I feel alone. I know that much of it is me. I would think that after living together for almost 6 years, I'd be used to things and not let them bother me. Guess not. I feel alone and angry and scared and tired and ...I'm stalled and don't know how to start again.