Thursday, January 24, 2008

IF is like a necklace....

Do you ever feel like you just can't get away from your IF? It's like a weight around your neck. A small weight, but you can still feel it there, every day. I'm feeling like that lately. I keep being reminded of my IF, everywhere I go.

First, as I've said before, I'm surrounded by pregnant women.

Then, there's the problem of scheduling my treatements. It turns out that my next cycle will nicely coinside with our ITBS schedule at school. Any teachers out there? Yeah, you understand don't you? I fought to be able to test "my" reading students in my class. I teach struggling readers in 7th grade. I want them to take the test with ME, not in some random homeroom where the teacher may or may not care. (that's being callous I know, but it can be very true) Our new principal agrees and we look at our schedule and how to do this. As we are, I look at the calendar and realize that our Thaw/Fertlize/Transfer is right at that time. Niiiiice..... Yes, I had to tell her that depending on my medical issues I may not be able to be there. She was awesome and we worked out a contingency plan, but it's far from best case scenario.

Thirdly, our best friend's cousin is pregnant. She is 23, has been in trouble with the law and single. She had a one night stand with someone at the hotel she was working at and is pregnant. If that wasn't bad enough, she has been in preterm labor. She'd due on Valentine's day. She went into labor at 28 weeks and they stopped it. She then went into labor again last weekend. My friend and I were talking about it, as she is one of A's labor coaches. She realized as they were asking her the admitting questions that A hasn't quit smoking! Then she pointed out that A's Aunt, whom she's living with is a chain smoker as well. I about lost it (inside, I think I hid it well) I cannot imagine, especially having had a preemie how someone, especially someone who is studying to be a nurse, can even FATHOM bringing a premature infant home to a house filled with smoke. I get angry even thinking that she's allowed to get pregnant so easily yet....well, you know the rest.

Then, I vented on a board I'm on about this and got a response like this....

I know what you mean- I am TTC and when I am in public and see teenagers pushing around babies I cringe.... Good thing I have COMPLETE trust in God's perfect planning and timing in my own life. I know He is holding out for a good reason.

Now, I must point out that this is coming from a woman who has been TTC a WHOLE 5 MONTHS! Are you kidding me?? Seriously, I hope you can retain your COMPLETE faith in God when you have been TTC for over 2 years, when you watch babies that were concieved after you started trying turn a year old. Come to me THEN and talk to me about how God is holding out for a good reason!!

Then, the final straw...the Law and Order: SVU episode. I thought for the most part it was well done. Of course there was every controversy in the book mentioned in the episode. I was irritated at some parts but overall it was okay.

My husband, after watching the first 5 minutes turns to me and says "you just can't get away from this stuff, huh?" Nope, I can't. It's that pendant around my neck that is just a little to heavy. It won't cause me backaches. I won't drown from wearing it, but I get a little tired of it after a while.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Left out

I hate waiting. I always have. If I want something, I get it as soon as I can. I'm a procrasinator, but waiting is hard.

This wait for the study is particularly hard. I am trying to stay positive but the further removed we are from the retrieval, the harder it's getting. I try to stay positive but little negative thoughts creep into my mind. It's easy to let them. It's easy to forget and take my eye off of the goal. It was great when I had things to keep me busy, appointments, holiday preparations, lots of people asking me about it.Now, it's just blah. No one asks anymore, not that I expect them to keep MY reproductive schedule in the forefront of their minds...but still.

I'm surrounded by pregnant women at work and I can't help but hear them talking about preparations, see them passing around ultrasound pictures, talking about names. They talk about paint colors and baby gear. I feel like an outsider. I don't get to participate like I'd like to. Oh, I give my opinions and things, but I see the glances. I can feel the unspoken pity there. It's there, just so silent and subtle. Part of me wants to tell them that I won't break, you can talk about it, but part of me wants to crawl in a hole and hide.

So I cover. I talk about Boo and how he's doing. I don't ask questions like everyone else because it means the conversation will just go on longer. I feel horrible about it. I don't want them not to talk about things, not to be excited. They deserve that, but don't I? When is my turn?

I'm selfish...a selfish bitch . I want to be included. I'm not.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

On hold and surrounded by pregnant women

I just got the call. Because the company doing the study didn't get back to the research coordinator in time (I called on Sat. to report AF, we JUST heard) with the official protocol changes for the FET, our thaw/transfer won't be until next cycle. GRR...not happy, but I can't do much about it. So February will be our month...YES, YES it will! I'll use that good attitude everyone says I have and use it to my advantage.

I hit a low last friday though. I usually can handle pregnancy announcements pretty well. But another teacher announced her pregnancy on friday, followed by a mom at Boo's daycare. So now I know people due in : April, May, June, July and August. It's a bit much to handle don't you think? It was easier when they weren't visibly pregnant. It gets harder to see the bellies straining against fabric, knowing there is a life growing there. I'm jealous. It's not pretty.

So....I have another month to play with. I started back at the gym yesterday and I WILL lose the 5+ lbs I put on over the holidays. I'll shag my hubby without worrying about timing (but will also admit that to thinking "it could work". I'll take my master's classes which will kick my butt this semester. I've heard about this professor...and not in a good way. I'll stitch and bitch with my ladies and I'll not worry about it.


Wednesday, January 2, 2008

It's the new year. It's the new year and I'm looking for change.

2007 was overall a good year. I wish I'd have gotten pregnant this year, but I didn't. I can't change that, so I've decided not to dwell. I learned a long long time ago that you can't change the past.

The Power of Three made a nice toast to my getting pregnant this year. TPO3 were pretty good at getting my pg the first time, so why not this time huh? I should explain....TPO3 consists of my older sister, my SIL and myself. TPO3 made a toast to the conception of Boo right before he came about. Maybe this toast will bring me luck too huh?

AF should be here within the next few days. Then we start the thaw/fertilize/transfer process over again. 2008, bring me the change I would like, please?