Friday, May 30, 2008

Well, you can tell he's the youngest....

Yesterday was "graduation" from New Blues for Boo. It was cute and fun. The two classes performed several songs. After each one, Boo would ask loudly "did you see that Dad? Did you like it?" Everyone laughed.

As usual, he didn't sit very still. He was loud. He's three and a half.

His teachers though told us, five or six times. "Well, he's the youngest. You can tell." They also told us that he's kind, generous, funny and sweet. But what I heard over and over was "you can tell he's the youngest."

I'm a little upset over it. I KNOW he's the youngest. But get over it! The class was for 3 year olds. He turned 3 in September.

This of course caused a blow up for Mr. and I. It took it as proof that we should go with my plan....Pre-K next year at L.des and then Kdg prep the year after. With my plan, he'll be turning 6 when he starts Kdg. Mr is against it. His argument is that Boo is starting to read words now. I get that. I am a teacher dear.

Everyone (and I do ask everyone) that I won't regret not sending him but that I may regret sending him early. I do NOT want him to be "that kid." The one who isn't able to behave, who is constantly in trouble. The damage from that label (which has been applied already it seems) is much bigger in my eyes than having him be "too smart" for his class. I'm much rather having him in T.A.G than be in the office b.c of problems.

I can tell he's the youngest, but he's also bright and funny and he holds my heart.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Only child

Mr. is an only child, sort of.

Up until a little over 3 years ago, he thought he was an only child.

Mr.'s mother and father were divorced. His mother got very sick the summer I was pregnant with Boo. I spent much of the summer in New Mexico taking care of her. She died one week after Boo was born, my birthday and the first day we were able to hold Boo. She never met Boo.

Mr.'s father came to visit us when Boo was 6 months old. He was sick at the time, over the previous summer, he came to find that his thymus cancer had returned. Several days before Boo was born, he suffered a massive heart attack. We didn't find this out until the night Boo was born. (for more on this story....)

He stayed with us for a week. The morning of the last day here, I was getting ready for school. Mr. had already taken Boo to the sitter. FIL came to me and told me that he didn't know if he should tell Mr. as it wasn't the right time, but he wanted me to know and decide when to tell Mr. something important.

He told me that when he met MIL, she was pregnant. She gave birth to a baby boy about 3 years before Mr. was born. She gave him up for adoption. FIL was telling me this because although he had promised MIL, he felt Mr. had the right to know that he had a half brother out there somewhere. I told him that I wouldn't tell Mr. right away and I'd let him know when I thought Mr. should know.

Of course I went to school that day, thought it over and decided that I couldn't keep a secret like that from my husband. I told him when he got home. He had just put FIL on a plane back to St. Simons. He was upset, understandably so...he said he'd always wished for a brother. He also was worried that the reason FIL told me this was so that someone would know.

Later that year, Mr. finally talked with FIL about it. I remember Mr. taking notes while on the phone with FIL. (Mr. only talks on speakerphone, don't ask....) This was early December. FIL gave as many details as he could remember.

FIL passed away December 29th.

Mr. is an only child. He thinks sometimes that he would like to find this brother, but is sort of afraid to. What he wants, he doesnt' have. He wants someone that can tell him what he was like as a child. He wants someone to remember the good times and bad times with him. His grandfather passed away a few weeks after FIL. His grandmother is 85 and not doing particularly well.

Mr. doesn't want Boo to have to go through this. Boo shouldn't have to decide to stop life support by himself. He shouldn't have to balance taking care of parents on opposite sides of the country. He wants there to be someone here for Boo after we are gone. My parents in over 75. They won't be here to support Boo when he's our age.

We don't want Boo to be an only child.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Why hello there...

I'm loving Nacomleavmo , a lot. It's nice to know that someone is actually reading this.

So here's a brief synopsis of me....

I'm Linda. I've been married to Mr. for almost 5 years (eek!) Yes, we met online (aww) We have one son, Boo. He was born early at 31 weeks due to a rare condition called Vasa Previa . I am a 7th grade reading teacher who is working towards her master's in Reading. I am also a knitter and cook.

My mother took DES while pregnant with me. While we only tried 7 months to get pg with Boo, we've been trying to add to our family since winter '06.

We consulted with an RE in winter '07. After 4 failed clomid/IUI cycles and being diagnosed as "unexplained" we decided to participate in an egg cryopreservation trial. We barely made the cutoff for age, but decided to go for it and save our insurance in case it failed.

My eggs were retrieved for the trial and 6 were frozen (unfertilized) the day before I turned 36, the end of September. Two weeks later, we found out that our IF insurance would be cancelled by Mr.'s company November 1st. (yeah, good decision to wait and use insurance later huh?)
After several setbacks, the eggs were thawed in March. Three fertilized and all looked great when they were transfered. But alas, none implanted.

We are now trying to get the money together to do a fresh IVF cycle and trying it on our own.

So that's me in a nutshell....


Thursday, May 22, 2008

The final countdown....

Counting today there are 11 days of school left, with students, 12 teacher days.

I am so ready for this school year to be over. At the same time, it is hard to believe the year has gone so fast.

This was the school year I was supposed to be pregnant. The entire year, I had to think about how to schedule appointments around school, when I would be gone for appointments, egg retrieval, transfer.

Then came April...suddenly it's all over. Since then time has flown by.

I need a fresh start. Maybe the summer will provide that

Monday, May 19, 2008

Show and Tell

I am a knitter. I still call myself a knitter although I've not been a good one lately. Knitting though is forgiving. You can put a project down and come back to it later. (I tend to do this a bit to much and have resolved not to do so anymore)
This picture is a show and tell, literally. It was taken to show the progress on my "two socks on two circs" that I turned the heels on simultaneaously! I was SO proud of them! We took this picture at my local "Stitch and Bitch" group last spring.
When I first met these ladies, I would never have guessed how comfortable I would be around them. At first glance, it seems like I'd not have much in common. I am younger than they are. I have a young child and most have grown children and grandchildren now. But these women are amazing. They welcomed me, taught me and became my friends.
I feel bad lately because I've not been able to attend S&B much this year. My master's classes have prevented it. Now that it's summer though, I'm going to strive to attend more often. I'm also planning to host a weeknight wine and knit with them. It's always a lively time.
I learned to knit about 3 years ago. I had just come back to school after the birth of my son. It had been traumatic to say the least. I was going to have to come back to a building that I wasn't sure welcomed me. I had had a major falling out with a person I had considered my close friend. we had a new principal. My mother in law passed away a week after Boo was born at 31 weeks. My FIL had a major heart attack. I had not even seen many people since June of the year before. I was shell shocked and scared. The few weeks after I came back to school, our media specialist sent out an email about teaching us to knit. I had crocheted (my Grandma Anne taught me) but never knitted. Knitting kept me focused while I pumped. I loved it then and still do.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Well said...I hadn't thought of that

Through Mel's Friday Blog roundup, I found this post by JoySuzanne about how to support others. As I read through the suggestions, I realized that I hadn't really thought about WHY people aren't able to support others.

It reminded me of a phone conversation I had with my mother last week. She said that my SIL was worried about me because we hadn't been talking on the phone much lately. I confided that I am sort of avoiding her because of the "assvice" I get. (remember the "at least you didn't HAVE a baby and then the baby got sick) I haven't been calling her much because I can't handle the comments. I love her dearly...I hope she knows that...but I have a hard time when she makes comments that hurt. She doesn't mean them, but they still hurt.

So my mom agrees about the comments at first then launches into a ten minute lecture about how if "you would just relax, you are making too much of this. You need to forget about it and you'll get pregnant"

I wanted to scream. We have been TTC for over 2 1/2 years! We've had 4 Clomid IUI's unsuccessfully. We've gone through a clinical trial with really good embryos and lost them all. In between all of that, we've been trying naturally. This isn't going to just be solved by relaxing. At the very least, we've got to time our intercourse. Throwing caution to the wind isn't going to do much. It's not like I'm the Virgin Mary and am going to magically wake up pregnant.

But reading this made me think...

Look at your own stuff. If you find yourself feeling irritated or impatient with your friend, if you think she should just "relax" or that she should just "let it go," you may have feelings of your own on the subject. If for whatever reason you discover that supporting your friend or family member is too hard or seems to cause you stress, step back. Infertility is a deep issue and kicks up feelings in people who have not been touched by it, and if your own stuff is making it hard for you to support your friend, don't try to suppress your own feelings. You might end up being one of those "bad friends" we all blog about. Infertility is a friendship-killer. This is often a problem with mothers and daughters, or sisters, or best friends; someone else's stuff is enmeshed with our own.

I know my mother suffered from many miscarriages between my next older brother and myself. I wonder what "stuff" there is that makes her say "just relax."

It makes me a bit paranoid too...are they saying this because they don't think I can handle another child? Is it a judgement about my parenting? About my marriage?

I think that's why when we struggle with IF we get so angry and the comments. They might be about someone else's "stuff" but since we can't answer so many physical questions (at least for me) we then begin to question what others think too.

More later ....

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Wouldn't this be a good solution?

Several bloggers have posted about the Duggar Family expecting number 18....

I tend to side with "aren't they just showing off now?" It's frustrating that they are able to get pregnant so easily. I won't comment on the fact that they are going to have EIGHTEEN children to look after...there are lots of strong opinons on that. I just wish it were easier for women who WANT to have children to have them.

Then today on my message board, it was posted that Angelina confirms she's having twins.


It's sort of like the saying "the rich getting richer."

But in our discussion, one woman posted this

I think about this all the time.... I wish i could give you my uterus.. God knows I'm done with it... too bad there wasn't a way we could pass them around when we're done!!! I would SOO do that!!

Isn't that an interesting idea? I'd give mine (if it were working properly) to another woman in my situation in a heartbeat.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

The plan

I am a planner. I need to have some idea of what is going to happen. Now I admit to not planning WAY in advance, but I have to have it worked out in my head at least.

So the plan for this month is:

Green Tea and EPO until Ovulation

Raw honey in my tea each day.

Use OPK's (the devil's sticks I tell you)

Lots of shagging

Bromelian after O
switch from EPO to Flax oil
switch from Green Tea to Red Raspberry leaf tea

Cross my fingers

Yeah, this low tech exciting huh?

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Of life and loss

Bennett is here. He is doing as well as can be expected. He scored well on his apgar and is a fighter, like his mother!

I know the journey this family is facing. Any parent with a child in the NICU soon realizes what a wild ride it is. There will be highs and lows ahead, joys and disappointments. The time will both fly by and at the same time, there will be hours that seem like days. Just thinking of the journey ahead for them takes me back to that time in my life when Boo was there.

Another friend online lost her son yesterday. Isaac had medical issues but this was a sudden thing. My heart breaks for their loss. I cannot fathom loosing a child. Tonia put it beautifully :
This isn't something parents are supposed to have to do. My kids are supposed to outlive me. I knew Isaac wasn't going to have the life that other kids would, but I didn't have any idea we would only have him for this short time.
Please keep both families in your thoughts.

I promise to blog about other things soon...not much happening in TTC world right now...

Monday, May 5, 2008

Support Request

Please send your support to a fellow blogger.

Chantelle is new to the blogosphere.

She will be giving birth to Bennett today at 30 weeks, 4 days (I think that 's correct)

Chantelle's water broke at 24 weeks and she's been hospitalized since. She is an incredibly brave woman who has fought hard for this little one.

Let's show her how supportive our blogosphere really is!