Saturday, March 31, 2007
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
I went in to tell my assosciate principal that I was changing my mind about going to the MMGW conference in New Orleans. My principal came to me Monday afternoon and said he needed to purchase the plane tickets right away and he needed a final answer. Mr and I talked about it and if these next two IUIs don't work, we'll be moving on to IVF this summer, most likely in July. I had to decline.
I told my assoc. principal why I decided not to go. Of course, in the next three minutes I heard the following statements from her:
- You aren't getting pregnant BECAUSE you are trying.
- You need to relax about it.
- I know a woman who tried for like TEN YEARS to get pregnant, spent all of her money of IVF and finally had a little girl. Now she's due with an OOPS, be careful what you wish for.
- Have a glass of wine, that will do it.
Here is what I would like to have said:
- Yeah, you are right. I'll just stop trying and that will work.
- Will you pay for weekly massages? I think that might help me relax.
- Thanks, thanks...those stories never fail to make my life so much better.
- Wine? Yeah, wine will make everything all right (I sort of agree with this one, but hell, I've had enough wine in the last year to ensure triplets and zip, nada, nothing!)
Now, as I've said...up until now I've been able to glance over these things. I've told myself "hey, no big deal." But this hurt. I think because she just had a gorgeous little girl a year ago (her second.) She only wanted one until I brought Boo in to school one day and she held him. After that, she would tell me that holding him made her want a second. She now has that second one. I don't.
In other news:
Mr's SA is back and his count (drumroll please.....)
up from 8
He says he was "inspired"
Monday, March 26, 2007
I am staying back with the kids who aren't going since I have mixed team classes and otherwise I'll have to get someone to cover all of my classes.
We'll have IUI #2 this week and it won't be tomorrow...so I'll be gone one morning this week. It might be friday. I felt it was only fair to let the others on my team know this. I feel guilty, but I'm not going to blow this cycle because of a field trip. They are okay about it, but I know that it's a pain in the ass to have to try to figure out what to tell a sub IF I'll be gone.
I can't really help that, now can I? They aren't mad, but it's a PITA for them (and me) that I just can't avoid. I could have just not said anything, but that isn't fair. So now I feel like a freak idiot because I can't control when my body is going to ovulate and because I can't get pregnant the normal way.
Oh...and to ramble on a little more...It hit me the other day how much of a lapsed Catholic I am now. I mean, I have always taken BCP, so it's not as if I were devout before (and I've done MUCH worse, but that's another story.) But why is it that I'm just now realizing how against ART (IUI, IVF) the church is? What does this mean? Does it mean that I don't believe in God because I'm chosing to use technology to have another child? Does it mean that my child will not be welcome? Does it mean I'll never be welcome again?
More importantly, why is this bothering me now? I haven't even gone to church regularly in the past year and a half. I had just recently started going semi-recently in the year before that after 10 years of not going. Why is this a big deal to me now?
Is God punishing me for the things I've done in my past? If so, does that mean I'll be punished forever if I concieve via methods the Pope doesn't approve of? Does this make me a bad person? Can you tell from looking at me?
Friday, March 23, 2007
It might have to do with the fact that it's one week before spring break and the weather is suddenly warm. It's supposed to be 80 degrees here next week...I am NOT looking forward to that two days before break. They'll crazy.
They are talkative today. Talkative and not cooperating. It's frustrating to try to get a classroom full of students to play attention when they are squirmy and whispering to each other. I blame the barometer. I'd bet that given enough money to research it, I'd come to the conclusion that barometric pressure causes mood swings.
It doesn't help that I'm just blah today too. I am grouchy, tired and just not wanting to do MY work. I'm distracted and a bit headachy. What a whiner huh?
I want to go home and hide. Of course, I won't. We're going to the Y tonight to try it out. We aren't telliing Boo that's where we're going until we get there. We have tried talking "the gym" up to him, but he doesn't like the idea. We're going and going to cross our fingers that he doesn't FREAK and we can work out.
Okay....I'm now rambling and not making sense...so I'll go...excuse my post today
It must be the weather!
Monday, March 19, 2007
Friday, March 16, 2007
Thursday, March 15, 2007
We were in Iowa City yesterday for my Aunt's funeral. Any time we hear mention of Iowa City, it brings us back to our times there. We drove in and saw the sign for Bob's Your Uncle pizza, the place that made me feel sort of normal one difficult afternoon. We see the University come into view and it just takes us back.
Mel is right, Maybe wellness resolves prematurity, but it doesn't resolve the fears that accompany a NICU experience.
A week or so ago, someone asked on a message board that I belong to about her SIL who was diagnosed with IUGR and said that her SIL was 30 or so weeks along. She got all kinds of people telling her these great stories of how they know of someone who had a baby at 30 or 31 or 29 weeks and they were small but they are fine now. I know that she was looking for support, but I didn't think that was the right kind of suppport. I wanted to tell her about the issues that babies born that early face: RDS (respiratory distress syndrome), brain bleeds, intestinal issues, there are just so many things. She should be telling her SIL to be prepared. I think it's what saved me. If I had not known a little of what to expect (and I had been prepped by the nurses, I asked the tough questions.) I wouldn't have been able to survive at all.
See even if you KNOW that you won't be able to hold your baby, you still long to do so. Even though the nurses told me that there would be IV tubes in his stomach, tape over his face to hold the tubes in, machines everywhere, I wasn't prepared. I longed to see his face. Even though I knew he could have Brady episodes, the first time he stopped breathing and turned blue in front of me, my heart stopped. You can't be prepared enough. It's wrong to just tell the good stories.
Yes, Boo is fine now. He's funny and bright and a joy in my life. But we went through so much to get to this point. And we are lucky...so lucky that I can't help but wonder why. The things we have gone through will never be removed from our memory. The moment we sent him in that helicopter...24 hours old, not knowing what they would tell us when we saw him again, the calls in the middle of the night, bracing ourselves for the worst, waiting for test results, begging him to breathe, eat, LIVE... those things don't leave your memory, no matter how hard you try to erase them.
About a year ago, we took Boo for a HRI follow-up appointment. We decided to stop in the NICU. I walked in and just the smell overwhelmed me and brought tears. Not much had changed, there were poster of their miracle children on the wall. The smell was exactly the same. I decided not to go in, I couldn't quite do that, but it was good to go back.
See...Mel is right I think...We aren't meant to get over it. It's okay that it changes us. It's an experience that we went through that has made us so much stronger as a family.
I know you said
Monday, March 12, 2007
Thursday, March 8, 2007
We left after the IUI to see Wicked in Chicago. We had such a wonderful time. I was on a high from the IUI. No really, I was. It was wierd as I'm not a giddy girl, but we had a great time on the drive, found the hotel easily and in general had a great time.
I loved Wicked! LOVE IT! The message, the warnings, the love story, the ...well all of it. It just make me smile. I smiled more this weekend than I have in a long time!
SO at 5PO, the waiting. Oh the waiting. I am hungry all the time, but other than that....ya know. Just waiting.