Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Apparently I'm a mess......

I had my "yearly" exam yesterday. The last one was done at U of I, so when I called, I got in to see the NP instead of the doc. No big deal, or so I thought.

I'd been dreading a little this for some reason. I knew going to the OB would mean being surrounded by pregnant women, but I thought I could handle it.

Not so much.

I had to update my paperwork since it had been 2 years since I'd been in the office. So I filled it out and grabbed a copy of Concieve magazine (where I found a reference to MEL at Stirrup Queens), trying to ignore the mulititude of pregnant women and their hubbies sitting in the waiting room. I get called up to pick up my insurance cards. When I return to my seat, it's been taken along with my magazine by an obviously pregnant woman! HELLO! YOU DON'T NEED THAT MAGAZINE, YOU ALREADY GOT PREGNANT!

Whatever

So I get called back and the NP does all of the preliminary work.
Then she says to me "do you have any concerns we should discuss before I take a look?"
Do I have concerns? Let me think, do I have concerns that it's been 3 years, 4 IUI's, 5 rounds of Clomid and a clinic IVF trial and I'm STILL not pregnant....???
"Umm, no I guess not"
She chuckles and says "you had to think a minute huh?"
This is where I tear up...
"Well, we've been trying for 3 years to have another child. We've been to an RE and to University of Iowa and are now trying to figure out if we can financially afford to do another IVF cycle...." Deep breaths so she can't see the tears.
"Oh, well I'm sure they'll be able to help you."
She does the exam, everything looks fine and she ends with "I guess you don't need any birth control then, right?"
WTF, no I don't
"No, no meds needed."
"Well, I'm sure the next time I see you, you'll be pregnant"

Yeah, right.

I made it to the car before the tears came at last.
Why was this so hard? It's not like I've not been around pregnant people. It's not like I haven't been to a doctor before and discussed this. After 3+ years, this should get easier shouldn't it? I'm a big girl and pretty good about handling it most of the time. Yet, there I was, sitting in my car with tears streaming down my eyes.

If the trial had worked, I'd have a baby. My due date would have been 2 weeks ago. Is it starting to catch up with me? Who knows. I called Mr. and cried to him. Then I went shopping.

16 comments:

Lollipop Goldstein said...

Sweetie, her words--I know she meant well and it's hard to come up with the right thing to say on the spot--but they hurt.

I haven't been back to the gyn for my pap smear this year. I don't know why I haven't made the appointment. This post made me realize probably why I've been avoiding.

MLO said...

Wow. I'm glad I found a practice where the sole female in the practice did multiple IVFs to get her kids.

If you are up to it, you may want to very tactfully send a note to the practice explaining that when dealing with someone dealing with IF it is NOT ok to say "next time I see you, you will be pregnant." I can tolerate it from a non-OB/GYN, but not an OB/GYN practice. That's ridiculous.

LJ said...

I gotta change my GYN, I am dreading my annual with her.

JuliaS said...

Not looking forward to this next year. Yes, found out that they can remove your uterus and cervix and yet you still have to show up for a yearly . . .

I dislike it when people take my seat and mags!

I wish your practitioner had been a bit more thoughtful (tactful? compassionate? insert your preferred adjective here)

annacyclopedia said...

Amazing post. I find those times very hard (and those times come often for me since my clinic where I go for IUIs is a combined practice of IF/higher risk pregnancy/abortion) because I feel at once completely conspicuous and totally invisible. And it all just hurts so much and the feelings are so confusing and overwhelming. I get it and I'm sorry it was so hard. You're not alone and you are not a mess. It's just hard.

From the L&F.

Kristin said...

It is so hard and it doesn't get easier while you are in the midst of the struggle. I am frankly amazed you made it out to your car before you lost it. {{{Hugs}}}

Chantelle said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ellen K. said...

Hi, I found you through the Friday blog roundup. I'm from the QC too but live in St. Louis now.

I had one upsetting annual exam while we were TTC. The obgyn was fresh out of med school and you'd think she might be informed about IF. Not so much.

Dan & Hillary and little Russell said...

I think the hardest part is saying the words out loud that we just want hidden inside. "No, I'm not pregnant," and "maybe next year" just really hurt. Sincere hugs to you...

Midwest Mommy said...

I am so sorry that happened to you...she should have known better.

Allison said...

This is exactly why I don't go to OBGYN for my annual any more. Being infertile doesn't mean automatically negate your "biological clock", and I had years of similar, excruciating, tearful appointments until I found a GP that would do my annuals. Now I deal with senior citizens in waiting rooms. They are generally quite polite and don't steal your magazine. And I'm the youngest person in the room.

nonlineargirl said...

That breezy optimism was one of the hardest things for me to face during my years of trying to get pregnant. I know that people want to sound positive, but any time anyone said they were sure it would work out, I felt less sure about it.

You don't sound like a mess, you sound like someone having a normal reaction to a stressful situation.

sheilamia said...

people suck. Keep your head up high. You are NOT alone. I feel your pain.... as an infertile 38 year old woman. I have made the decision to "stop trying" and although my so-called loved ones are up in arms, I am at peace, more than I have ever been in the past 5 years.

emma said...

Mine is coming up in January and I am dreading it for all the same reasons. I have wished so many times that there was a separate waiting room for non-pregnant women. By the time I get called back for my appointment I'm usually already near tears.

barrenisthenewblack said...

I found you through the blog round up. I'm so so sorry. The only bright side of all of this is that you have a year to find another doctor. When I was between gyn's, my RE offered to do my annuals. Is this an option for you?

Parenthood For Me said...

It proves once again that doctors really don't know how to "talk" to their patients. They really should take about 45 credits of empathy in medical school.