Urges

There are times when I look at Boo and think to myself "He's all I need." He amazes us with new things all the time. How can one little boy be so special? I know that all children are special, but Boo seems to have a sort of magic around him. From the second he was born, no...before that...from the time that we knew about the Vasa Previa, I never had a doubt. I never doubted that he'd be here and be wonderful.

In part, that stems from not allowing myself to think that. I needed to be strong, if I wasn't who would be? When he was born, I looked at him and saw a tiny beautiful child. The first moment (and it was only a moment before he was whisked away) I remember, his face was so calm, serene almost. At that moment, I only saw a perfect child. He had a long way to go, and he's come through with flying colors.

Boo is a sweet boy. He isn't much for cuddles most of the time, but he likes to give kisses. When he senses something is wrong, he'll say "it's alright, it's okay, don't cry" How? How does a two year old know? He sings, currently Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes...but the Beatles, ABCs, Tainted Love. He likes all kinds of music. He's just....special.And there are times when I think to myself, he's enough, he's more than enough....But the urge to have another takes over.

It's like a hole in your body, an ache, an unfulfilled need. I want to be pregnant again. I want to have a normal pregnancy. I want to go full term. I want to be uncomfortable, get little sleep, the stretch marks...all the things that didn't happen last time. I want to go into labor. I want to be able to HOLD my newborn. I want to really work on breastfeeding.

I want my son to learn how to be a big brother. I want Mr. to know that Boo won't be alone when we are gone. He won't have to be the one to make decisions and do all the worrying. Boo should have someone to help him, Mr. didn't.