Friday, February 23, 2007

Do I want this bad enough.....

Mr and I lay cuddled up a few nights ago. I was headachy, tired and just needed to snuggle. It was comfy and warm.

He asked me how I was feeling. I decided to be honest with him. I'm...well...unsure.

What if the reason for all of this is that I don't want it bad enough? Now, don't get me wrong, I want another child badly enough to: push my OB to do some tests, get an HSG, see and RE, start Clomid, do and IUI.

But

What if I don't want it ENOUGH?? Will I never be the same if Boo doesn't have a sibling to play with? Will I be able to live and love him, yes? Will I be able to be a good mother, yes. Will I feel like something is always missing. I, I don't know. Part of me says yes, part of me says no.

What if I wanted this more, felt the pain more physically? What if I am not emotionally invested enough in this? I know it's my coping mechanism. I come from "strong stock."

You know what I'm talking about, right? I come from the family where we don't fall apart. We just manage. We just do. A friend of mine went through a crisis a few years ago, she fell apart. she couldn't work, she didn't talk to anyone, she got mad when people enquired about her, she claims she couldn't even make dinner. (that's a whole other story) That's not me. We just go on, because if we don't, who will take care of things?

So I often beat myself up. I think that because I won't let myself get upset that I can't. I think, well, if I wanted this then I'd cry. I'd fall apart. I'd feel angry or hurt or longing. I remember feeling that way once upon a time. Before that stick turned and Boo was made. But since then, since the VP I can't.

So do I? Do I want this enough? Is that why?

1 comment:

Adrienne said...

Please don't say that it's not happening because you don't want it bad enough. That is so much pressure and pain to put on yourself. You are tearing yourself up - please don't. I know that's easier said than done, but please listen to one who also knows where you are: this is not your fault.