Mr and I lay cuddled up a few nights ago. I was headachy, tired and just needed to snuggle. It was comfy and warm.
He asked me how I was feeling. I decided to be honest with him. I'm...well...unsure.
What if the reason for all of this is that I don't want it bad enough? Now, don't get me wrong, I want another child badly enough to: push my OB to do some tests, get an HSG, see and RE, start Clomid, do and IUI.
But
What if I don't want it ENOUGH?? Will I never be the same if Boo doesn't have a sibling to play with? Will I be able to live and love him, yes? Will I be able to be a good mother, yes. Will I feel like something is always missing. I, I don't know. Part of me says yes, part of me says no.
What if I wanted this more, felt the pain more physically? What if I am not emotionally invested enough in this? I know it's my coping mechanism. I come from "strong stock."
You know what I'm talking about, right? I come from the family where we don't fall apart. We just manage. We just do. A friend of mine went through a crisis a few years ago, she fell apart. she couldn't work, she didn't talk to anyone, she got mad when people enquired about her, she claims she couldn't even make dinner. (that's a whole other story) That's not me. We just go on, because if we don't, who will take care of things?
So I often beat myself up. I think that because I won't let myself get upset that I can't. I think, well, if I wanted this then I'd cry. I'd fall apart. I'd feel angry or hurt or longing. I remember feeling that way once upon a time. Before that stick turned and Boo was made. But since then, since the VP I can't.
So do I? Do I want this enough? Is that why?
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Please don't say that it's not happening because you don't want it bad enough. That is so much pressure and pain to put on yourself. You are tearing yourself up - please don't. I know that's easier said than done, but please listen to one who also knows where you are: this is not your fault.
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