Friday, November 2, 2007

Stalled

AF should have been here on 10/28.
Yes, that was last sunday.
No, she's not here yet.
Yes, I've POAS several times.
No, there has not been so much as a shadow of a line.


I'm down. About a lot of things, I'm down. I don't feel excited about the transfer at all, yet. I'm going to add that "yet" because I'm trying to get excited. I can't until AF gets here though. This is SOOO hard.

I know it's been said over and over but damn it. I've spent so many months wanting not to get my period. Now, TWICE, when it's really important that she does show up on time, she's LATE. FOR NO GOOD REASON! I want to scream. My head hurts just thinking about the timing of this now. If she doesn't get here soon, we are looking at a Thanksgiving transfer. I'm not even sure they will DO that! Then how do I manage trips to family and a three year old over a weekend that I'm supposed to be flat on my back? I just want to cry.

On top of that, school...well school sucks. We were just told that we are now a SINA 4 school. What that means, to those of you not familiar with the lingo, is that because of NCLB, if our scores don't rise significantly in the next year we are screwed. The state can come in an replace administrators, teachers, programs and take our funds. What really sucks is that we don't even know how we got here. Our scores have gone up "some" in the last few years. We thought since they were going up that we'd be fine. BUT our administrator (our lovely new administrator) won't even show us the numbers so we know how we got here and where we need to go.

Home is busy. Busy and hectic and it's taking a toll. I find myself frustrated and angry a lot. Too much. At Boo and Mr and myself. I feel like I'm trying to keep all these different balls in the air. If I blink or don't have total control, they'll go flying and destroy all that we've worked for. I am exhausted and losing it. I lose my patience and get angry at Boo.

It's affecting my marriage. I'm not happy right now. I don't feel connected to Mr at all. I feel alone. I know that much of it is me. I would think that after living together for almost 6 years, I'd be used to things and not let them bother me. Guess not. I feel alone and angry and scared and tired and ...I'm stalled and don't know how to start again.

2 comments:

DD said...

It's so easy to feel disjointed from our husband's when our bodies are messing with our heads. They cannot understand what it's like. They assume that if our periods are late we should be happy b/c of the "inconvenience" it is. I'm sure there are other things that contribute, but to have our own bodies get in the way of our happiness is so frustrating and it feels like a mission in futility.

I just hope that the beginning is near.

SaraS-P said...

Ugh...there;s nothing more frustrating than a late period in absence of a second line. Those frustrations can make it feel like life is stuck and not making much sense, either.

I hope you can get out of this soon.