I'm struggling to find my hope...my test day is tomorrow. I'm afraid to hope and afraid to give up. It's difficult and I feel like I'm grasping at straws.

My usual routine is to make myself go numb so that it won't affect me so much. It's how I dealt with being told that if my water broke my child would die. It's how I dealt with each bleeding episode with Boo, how I handled being told we were doing an emergency C/S at 31 weeks. It's how I dealt with him being airlifted at 24 hours old, how I dealt with every time he turned blue in the NICU. It's how I dealt with every stark white negative test until now.


But it's not working.

Frankly, I'm scared. I don't know what we'll do if this doesn't work. Since our IF insurance is no longer, we will have to wait until we sell the other house. In this market, it's not going fast. Maybe spring will help, but spring (at least this winter) is a ways off yet.