Friday, May 16, 2008

Well said...I hadn't thought of that

Through Mel's Friday Blog roundup, I found this post by JoySuzanne about how to support others. As I read through the suggestions, I realized that I hadn't really thought about WHY people aren't able to support others.

It reminded me of a phone conversation I had with my mother last week. She said that my SIL was worried about me because we hadn't been talking on the phone much lately. I confided that I am sort of avoiding her because of the "assvice" I get. (remember the "at least you didn't HAVE a baby and then the baby got sick) I haven't been calling her much because I can't handle the comments. I love her dearly...I hope she knows that...but I have a hard time when she makes comments that hurt. She doesn't mean them, but they still hurt.

So my mom agrees about the comments at first then launches into a ten minute lecture about how if "you would just relax, you are making too much of this. You need to forget about it and you'll get pregnant"

I wanted to scream. We have been TTC for over 2 1/2 years! We've had 4 Clomid IUI's unsuccessfully. We've gone through a clinical trial with really good embryos and lost them all. In between all of that, we've been trying naturally. This isn't going to just be solved by relaxing. At the very least, we've got to time our intercourse. Throwing caution to the wind isn't going to do much. It's not like I'm the Virgin Mary and am going to magically wake up pregnant.

But reading this made me think...

Look at your own stuff. If you find yourself feeling irritated or impatient with your friend, if you think she should just "relax" or that she should just "let it go," you may have feelings of your own on the subject. If for whatever reason you discover that supporting your friend or family member is too hard or seems to cause you stress, step back. Infertility is a deep issue and kicks up feelings in people who have not been touched by it, and if your own stuff is making it hard for you to support your friend, don't try to suppress your own feelings. You might end up being one of those "bad friends" we all blog about. Infertility is a friendship-killer. This is often a problem with mothers and daughters, or sisters, or best friends; someone else's stuff is enmeshed with our own.

I know my mother suffered from many miscarriages between my next older brother and myself. I wonder what "stuff" there is that makes her say "just relax."

It makes me a bit paranoid too...are they saying this because they don't think I can handle another child? Is it a judgement about my parenting? About my marriage?

I think that's why when we struggle with IF we get so angry and the comments. They might be about someone else's "stuff" but since we can't answer so many physical questions (at least for me) we then begin to question what others think too.

More later ....

1 comment:

donna said...

My mother said the same thing to me too and I did not respond nicely.

Now, I know that my mom did not have fertility problems, but she had blood clots that made it dangerous for her to have children. She was not supposed to have me or my brother. When I was eight, she got pregnant again and had to have a abortion because it was not safe for her to carry a baby. I know that it devastated her.

So why would she be so insensitive to my issues with fertility? I'll never understand.