Come What May

Four years ago today, Mr and I made it official.

When we chose our wedding song, Come What May, we didn't know how much would come. We've dealt with deaths, medical emergencies, money woes and secondary IF.

Through it all, Mr and I are a strong team.

WAMHAS baby!


(Let's take a short walk down memory lane)

Soon after our first date


Our wedding day

Our most recent picture.

Ahhh Thursday

I got our tentative schedule for the transfer the other day. I'll get to pick up our meds tomorrow. They were delivered to school and I had to unexpectedly miss a day. (our daycare had a case of pneumonia and so no kids there today)

I'm glad to have something else to concentrate on rather than the drama at school and the insurance crap.

The drama at school is ridiculuous crap, power struggles really. It's draining frankly...and stupid. I'm not even sure how I ended up in the middle of it all. I merely answered someone's question about a meeting change and suddenly was backed into my classroom door with someone's finger in my face. Of course I said a few things I shouldn't have...fight or flight if you will. UGH. I'm glad to be home today!

Speaking of insurance....a bit of an update. I've filed a complaint with the IID and have also sent a letter to the insurance company. The people who are responsible for managing the benefit package at Mr's company actually wrote a draft of the letter for us. I think it's their way of helping. It's also a way to CYA because THEY didn't inform us until 2 weeks before the benefit change. The CEO of the company has been told about our situation too and told Mr's boss that he thinks we should be "grandfathered" in.

We'll see.

Insurance is a bunch of crap!

I spent a lot of the day yesterday on the phone with our insurance provider. They are evil people. It's just plain wrong what they are doing.

They are going to deny my preapproval for IVF that they issued on September 12th. Even though it says on the letter that any preapproval gained before benefits change stands, it also says "with provisions" because of that, they will NOT allow me to do IVF. The letter I have says the preapproval stands for one year, but in actuality, it means absolutely nothing!

I have yelled, cried and been as persistant as I can.

What is even worse is that if I WERE IN THE MIDDLE OF A CYCLE right now, they would have still cut the benefits off on November first. What that means is that if I had actually started a cycle when the preaproval was gained, I'd be beginning stimming this week and in the middle of treatment they would have cut off benefits.

Thier reasoning is that a preapproval doesn't actually approve you for anything. They say that what a preapproval does is say that you medically need the proceedure, NOT that they approve it to be done!

I am not done fighting...we are actually going to talk to the CEO of Jeff's company to let him know that this not only affects us but that (and here's the kicker!)

THEY KNEW ABOUT THE BENEFIT CHANGE AT LABOR DAY! If they had sent a letter to us then, we'd have opted to do regular IVF at a MUCH higher success rate rather than do the study! They need to KNOW how much they have screwed us!

This sucks

Found out today that as of November 1st, we will no longer have any infertility coverage.

Nice of them to give us advance warning huh?

There is just no way that we can afford IVF out of pocket. Not now and probably not in the near future at all.

NO PRESSURE for the trial to work now huh?

It bites because we'd surely have gone a different route if we knew that we'd no longer have coverage. We chose to do the trial based a lot on the fact that we had coverage to do regular IVF afterwards.

We knew that the projected success rates for the trial are less than if we went the conventional IVF route, but based on the fact that we had insurance to fall back on, we decided to go with the trial first.

If we had any inkling that our insurance would be changing we'd have done IVF already. We decided to do the trial and wait on regular IVF because we knew we'd be able to afford one IVF cycle with insurance.

Now we can't as we don't have insurance.

We are even preapproved for IVF as of September 12th. When we were almost dismissed fromt he trial we had the option of converting to conventional IVF. We chose to stick with the trial instead. I'm regretting that decision big time now.

Mr is talking to them today to see if the preapproval still stands, but my bet is that it will be invalid as of the first. We are literally stuck. We couldn't even start an IVF cycle now. 10 days ago, maybe we could have done it, but not now.

I'm frustrated and mad. I'm mad at them but I'm mad at myself too. I made decisions that were wrong. Plain and simple, I CHOSE WRONG, I chose to go with the lower emotional risk of the trial first. I mean if it's experimental and doesn't work then it's not as devestating as doing an IVF cycle and it not working. Wrong choice...

Now it's all I have

This just sucks

Let's talk about that elephant, shall we?

Another, yes...that makes THREE, person I "know" through the boards has tested at 9dpo and announced a BFP. I feel like I am such a bitch because I just get frustrated when I see it. And you know what? I feel like everyone is probably wondering why I'm didn't immediately congratulate. I wonder if they think when I do that it isn't heartfelt enough. Yeah, I know...no one even notices probably, but still.

I get frustrated and mad and jealous. How nice to be able to trust a that "a line is a line." How nice to get excited so early. But I don't/won't/cant.

See I've had those cycles where I started testing at 8dpo. I was practically using a magnifying glass looking for a line. But when it doesn't show, ya know, it hurts. So I learned pretty quickly to wait as long as I could stand before testing. Less money wasted that way and less heart hurt, less stinging disappoinment at the empty space where a line should be.

I've also seen those faint lines. Guess what, a line isn't always a line. If you have to photoshop, backlight and squint to see it...you might want to think again. Sorry if that's blunt. See I have seen those lines and AF shows. I've even had a "not negative, not positive" blood test. Now THAT is fun huh?

I guess my problem is that I hate to see people hurt, including myself. So I learned how to insulate myself from that a bit. You don't trust everything right away. I've gotten excited about things before and had them fall through, not just in IF, but in other things too. You have to be careful, this is your heart. So I get angry when I see people set themselves up for hurt and pain. I don't see the point in it. If you know a train may come, if one is scheduled soon...GET OFF THE TRACKS!