Hard Choices

From my last post, you can see how conflicted we are and how down I was. I'm a little better now. I say a little as in a smidge, a tad, a tiny bit.

After much consideration and debate, we've decided that if we have three embryos to transfer, we'll transfer three.

This is a very hard choice for us to make. Up until now we hadn't really considered transfering three. We had insurance to fall back on if the trial doesn't work so if we weren't pregnant after the trial, we had a back up. We would transfer the two that the trial requires (assuming we have two) and roll with the punches.

That's all changed now. We have one shot. No backup, at least not in the near future. As age and time are catching up with us, we have to take advantage of what we have.

The embryologist said she doubts that any embryos that fertilize will make it to blast so that they could be frozen for another shot. That means (to us) that if we only transfer 2 and we have more, they will be wasted. If she doesn't think they'll make blast stage, we can't use them.

We've thought on this and talked about it a lot. We aren't really prepared for triplets, that's for sure. But faced with it would we handle it? If we needed to, yes.

I'm angry that we have to make this choice. I feel like if we are up in front of a firing line. I know that some will judge us for transfering 3. But I feel like if we don't take this opportunity and do everything we can to have a child, we'll regret it forever. If we have 3 and only transfer 2 and don't get pregnant, I'll always doubt the decision. I'm mad that BCBS is forcing us to make this choice. Angry and sad.

I attended the March of Dimes Prematurity Summit today and heard doctors talk about how ART is contributing to multiple births. In addition to that there was mention that just using ART contributes to premature births. I feel guilty that I'm consiciously making a choice to put potentially put myself through something that I barely made it through the first time. I'm angry and scared.

I just want a normal pregnancy. I want to be able to carry a baby to term, a baby that will be loved and cherished. I'm being forced to choose the lessor (in my eyes) of two evils here. If I had coverage I'd be able to make safer choices for myself and my family.

These are harder choices than I can describe.