I hate waiting. I always have. If I want something, I get it as soon as I can. I'm a procrasinator, but waiting is hard.
This wait for the study is particularly hard. I am trying to stay positive but the further removed we are from the retrieval, the harder it's getting. I try to stay positive but little negative thoughts creep into my mind. It's easy to let them. It's easy to forget and take my eye off of the goal. It was great when I had things to keep me busy, appointments, holiday preparations, lots of people asking me about it.Now, it's just blah. No one asks anymore, not that I expect them to keep MY reproductive schedule in the forefront of their minds...but still.
I'm surrounded by pregnant women at work and I can't help but hear them talking about preparations, see them passing around ultrasound pictures, talking about names. They talk about paint colors and baby gear. I feel like an outsider. I don't get to participate like I'd like to. Oh, I give my opinions and things, but I see the glances. I can feel the unspoken pity there. It's there, just so silent and subtle. Part of me wants to tell them that I won't break, you can talk about it, but part of me wants to crawl in a hole and hide.
So I cover. I talk about Boo and how he's doing. I don't ask questions like everyone else because it means the conversation will just go on longer. I feel horrible about it. I don't want them not to talk about things, not to be excited. They deserve that, but don't I? When is my turn?
I'm selfish...a selfish bitch . I want to be included. I'm not.