Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Stupid and Angry

I went to the Chiro's office yesterday for a massage. It was going to be a nice treat since I'd scheduled it ages ago and forgotten.

As I was sitting in the waiting room, a young couple with brand new twins came in. They weren't two weeks old yet. For the first time, I could barely look. I felt so uncomfortable glancing at this mother who was gazing at her son as she held him with the glow of love that only a brand new mother and child have. I almost gasped aloud and couldn't look anymore.

Then I felt stupid. Angry and Stupid. I don't know what that couple went through to get where they are. Who am I to be upset that they have that? I have no idea of their story.

Anger is a theme this week. I'm angry at my pregnant co-worker who thinks it is the end of the world that she has gestational diabetes, barely. She is over by 4 points. You'd think it was the end of the world. She's now as far along as I was when I had Boo. She's just "tired of everything going wrong." I want to shake her. She took a whole day off because she'd be too upset if she got bad news about her GD a week ago. Give me a break. You have a healthy child growing inside you. By now, my son was in the NICU struggling to breathe. You got pregnant the first month you tried. I've been trying for over 2 years. Suck it up. ** really, she's the nicest person, but I am easily annoyed right now**

I do let people know my story. If you know me IRL, you know I am a talker. I tell people about lots of things about myself. I'm an open book really, people probably know more than they need to know. Now I regret that a bit. I know there are plenty of people around me who have opinions on how we are dealing with IF. I mean I know they are thinking "why is she so upset, she's just not pregnant, it's not the end of the world." And it isn't...but that doesn't make it any less painful or frustrating.

We've been concentrating on Boo lately. We all went on a date on Friday to see Enchanted and then to dinner. It was GREAT! Especially at the end when he was dancing in the aisle to the closing credits. (He shakes his booty pretty well for a boy) He's great kid, funny, loud, smart as can be.

I have baby gifts to start knitting. Is it bad that I want to do quick projects that don't take any thought?


Starfish said...

You're not stupid and it's perfectly normal to be angry. Go easy on yourself. I would have reacted the same way. Your coworker sounds like a real treat, especially if she already knows you are going through treatments. I don't know how you don't deck her.

Perfectly fine to knit quick things. That's what hats and booties are for.

Dagny said...

If it makes you feel any better, I am angry too.

Lynda said...

I liked your post and your blog - have just found you. Can certainly identify around your coworker. Trust me, I often have emotions churning around pregnant women.