ACK!

So for some reason, it JUST hit me that I'm going to give birth in less than 2 months. I am now scared to death.

For those who don't know, our son Boo was born at 31 weeks via C-section. I was never allowed to go into labor. He was in the NICU for 6 weeks before coming home.

Now that we are having another, I realized that I have NO idea what giving birth is like. I am going to try for a VBAC. I just signed up for a Childbirth class today. (Nothing like waiting until the last minute, huh?)

Really, honestly, truly...I'm scared.
1. I've never had a "newborn" at home. Boo was trained to eat every 3-4 hours by the time he came home from the hospital. He didn't have to be held all the time b/c we weren't allowed. He was a GOOD baby once he was home, no crying jags, slept for 3-5 hours at a time ect.

2. Mr had colic...and I mean COLIC when he was a baby. His mother even said to me "I didn't think we were ever going to be friends until he was 8 months old" What if this one is like that?

3. I'm SCARED TO DEATH to give birth :oops: I want a VBAC, but I have no real idea what to expect. How am I going to be able to CARE for a newborn while I'm recovering?? What if I need an episiotomy? What do real contractions feel like?

4. Breastfeeding. I pumped with Boo, but never truly breastfed. SCARED :shock: How will I know what to do? How will I do this with Boo around? What if he's attatched to me all the time?

5. What am I going to do with Boo during all of this time? I mean he's a great kid and all, but he's SO used to being the center of attention, what is going to happen when I need to do two things at once? It will be summer! He'll be home all the time. ACK!

6. Am I too old to be doing this? For God's sake, I'm almost 39 and do I really have any business doing this? Is it going to be fair to him that his parents are retirement age when he's in HIGH SCHOOL?

Relax huh?

I always hated hearing "if you just relax it will happen." Don't think this post will be a change for me. It won't.

What suprises me is that after struggling with Secondary IF for almost 4 years, then getting pregnant, I STILL HEAR IT! Now though, it's "I told you to relax, look what happened."

What those people (some of them family members) don't know is that we never stopped trying. When you are TTC and struggling, it's never far from your mind. No, we weren't in formal treatment, but I was doing accupuncture 1-2 times a week all through the summer. I knew exactly when I was ovulating and we were timing intercourse. That isn't exactly "relaxing and letting it happen." So it still bothers me to hear "I told you so." Really? Really? You have NO idea what I was doing because I stopped telling you! It was easier on my mental health to stop talking about it than to hear assvice from you.

When I told my family I was pregnant, I heard several "I told you so" comments. I had to stop myself from getting angry and just say "we weren't not trying, we just didn't tell you what we were doing." Sigh...I thought it would stop but I guess once you hear it, you will continue.

Checking in after a long time

So it's been a while.

I am now 31 weeks, 2 days pregnant with a little boy. We call him Deuce (for now). He's kicking away as I type.


Today I am more pregnant than I've ever been! Boo was born at 31 weeks 1 day (his story is here somewhere if you want to look) He is now almost 5 1/2. He's very happy that he's about to be a big brother, although Momma and Dad are worried it's going to rock his world, a LOT.

I feel like I should have all kinds of things to say and tell you, but I'm rusty...very rusty.

I promise to update more, really, I do. I just need to figure out if I have anything to say that is worth reading....

I didn't mean to leave you hanging....

I finally got some numbers yesterday afternoon.

Progesterone on Tues last week was 32.

HCG yesterday was 2963.

OH MY LORD, I'M PREGNANT!!!!!!

I'm going in for a "dating" ultrasound on 8/31.

In other news, Grant shot another commercial for the March of Dimes. I swear, he IS Ron Burgundy. I'll have to blog the story when I get a chance.

More later and lots more thoughts. I guess I'm back to blogging....if you will have me that is.

Limbo part two

I demanded a progesterone test Monday.

I got a call yesterday that they only run those on Monday mornings and Thursdays...so no results until friday.

Starting to get frustrated. Don't they know that after 4 years I will need faster answers than that?

Makes me think twice about staying with this practice for the entire pregnancy.

Limbo

And the wait is excruciating....

I called my doc yesterday and asked to have HCG and Progesterone tested. We've been trying almost 4 years for this and I just don't want to take chances or get hopes up if it's not real.


So after going to two labs yesterday I called to get results. The nurse said "well, it's positive but the number is low so we are going to have you go back in a week and do another blood test."

Wait, what? A week? So I asked what my numbers were. HCG was 59, they didn't do progesterone. "We'll be able to tell more in a week."

Gee, thanks. I"ve waited almost 4 years to see a positive and you are going to tell me this? Way to burst my bubble.

I called back later and insisted on having my progesterone drawn. I also had a friend look online (I was in an inservice all day) for HCG numbers. She found this:

At 14 DPO, the average HCG level is 48 mIU/ml, with a typical range of 17-119 mIU/ml.
* At 15 DPO, the average HCG level is 59 mIU/ml, with a typical range of 17-147 mIU/ml.
* At 16 DPO, the average HCG level is 95 mIU/ml, with a typical range of 33-223 mIU/ml.
* At 17 DPO, the average HCG level is 132 mIU/ml, with a typical range of 17-429 mIU/ml.
* At 18 DPO, the average HCG level is 292 mIU/ml, with a typical range of 70-758 mIU/ml.
* At 19 DPO, the average HCG level is 303 mIU/ml, with a typical range of 111-514 mIU/ml.
* At 20 DPO, the average HCG level is 522 mIU/ml, with a typical range of 135-1690 mIU/ml.
* At 21 DPO, the average HCG level is 1061 mIU/ml, with a typical range of 324-4130 mIU/ml. * At 22 DPO, the average HCG level is 1287 mIU/ml, with a typical range of 185-3279 mIU/ml. * At 23 DPO, the average HCG level is 2034 mIU/ml, with a typical range of 506-4660 mIU/ml. * At 24 DPO, the average HCG level is 2637 mIU/ml, with a typical range of 540-10,000 mIU/ml

So since I'm likely about 14 or 15 DPO (yes, I don't temp...it makes me insane) then I'm okay, right?

So now I wait. And I obsess about every twinge. And I tell myself that if it's not going to grow that I'll live.

Right?

Limbo

(and I thank anyone who commented! Who knew that people still checked on me? Gotta love those feeds huh?)

Day Two

Another test, a different kind. A positive, faint but there.

Still not 100% believing it...won't for a while I'm sure.

I'm going to call my doctor and ask for some blood work.

Cross your fingers, will ya?