It's about damn time....

IUI #2 tomorrow!

Cross your fingers will ya?

How could I NOT want another of these?

He makes my heart sing.

Yesterday in the car he said "I like your hair Mommy. It's pretty. It looks so nice"

*melt*

Well, it finally happened. In the past, when people offer advice, I would tell myself " we haven't been trying THAT long, it's okay that they said that." But yesterday got me.

I went in to tell my assosciate principal that I was changing my mind about going to the MMGW conference in New Orleans. My principal came to me Monday afternoon and said he needed to purchase the plane tickets right away and he needed a final answer. Mr and I talked about it and if these next two IUIs don't work, we'll be moving on to IVF this summer, most likely in July. I had to decline.

I told my assoc. principal why I decided not to go. Of course, in the next three minutes I heard the following statements from her:

• You aren't getting pregnant BECAUSE you are trying.
• You need to relax about it.
• I know a woman who tried for like TEN YEARS to get pregnant, spent all of her money of IVF and finally had a little girl. Now she's due with an OOPS, be careful what you wish for.
• Have a glass of wine, that will do it.

Here is what I would like to have said:

• Yeah, you are right. I'll just stop trying and that will work.
• Will you pay for weekly massages? I think that might help me relax.
• Thanks, thanks...those stories never fail to make my life so much better.
• Wine? Yeah, wine will make everything all right (I sort of agree with this one, but hell, I've had enough wine in the last year to ensure triplets and zip, nada, nothing!)

Now, as I've said...up until now I've been able to glance over these things. I've told myself "hey, no big deal." But this hurt. I think because she just had a gorgeous little girl a year ago (her second.) She only wanted one until I brought Boo in to school one day and she held him. After that, she would tell me that holding him made her want a second. She now has that second one. I don't.

In other news:

Mr's SA is back and his count (drumroll please.....)

165 million!!!!

up from 8

He says he was "inspired"

LMAO

Filed trip and a lot of questions

I feel like I'm letting my team down. We are taking ohhh...120 7th graders on a trip to the IMAX on friday. Yes, friday before spring break. Yes, we are a little crazy. We figured, what the hell, let's get out of here on a day they'll be crazy anyway.

I am staying back with the kids who aren't going since I have mixed team classes and otherwise I'll have to get someone to cover all of my classes.

We'll have IUI #2 this week and it won't be tomorrow...so I'll be gone one morning this week. It might be friday. I felt it was only fair to let the others on my team know this. I feel guilty, but I'm not going to blow this cycle because of a field trip. They are okay about it, but I know that it's a pain in the ass to have to try to figure out what to tell a sub IF I'll be gone.

I can't really help that, now can I? They aren't mad, but it's a PITA for them (and me) that I just can't avoid. I could have just not said anything, but that isn't fair. So now I feel like a freak idiot because I can't control when my body is going to ovulate and because I can't get pregnant the normal way.

Oh...and to ramble on a little more...It hit me the other day how much of a lapsed Catholic I am now. I mean, I have always taken BCP, so it's not as if I were devout before (and I've done MUCH worse, but that's another story.) But why is it that I'm just now realizing how against ART (IUI, IVF) the church is? What does this mean? Does it mean that I don't believe in God because I'm chosing to use technology to have another child? Does it mean that my child will not be welcome? Does it mean I'll never be welcome again?

More importantly, why is this bothering me now? I haven't even gone to church regularly in the past year and a half. I had just recently started going semi-recently in the year before that after 10 years of not going. Why is this a big deal to me now?

Is God punishing me for the things I've done in my past? If so, does that mean I'll be punished forever if I concieve via methods the Pope doesn't approve of? Does this make me a bad person? Can you tell from looking at me?

It's the Weather

I've been teaching for almost 10 years. In that time, I've formulated a theory about how the weather affects students. When it's humid, dark and rainy, the kids act up. The last few days have been this way too.

It might have to do with the fact that it's one week before spring break and the weather is suddenly warm. It's supposed to be 80 degrees here next week...I am NOT looking forward to that two days before break. They'll crazy.

They are talkative today. Talkative and not cooperating. It's frustrating to try to get a classroom full of students to play attention when they are squirmy and whispering to each other. I blame the barometer. I'd bet that given enough money to research it, I'd come to the conclusion that barometric pressure causes mood swings.

It doesn't help that I'm just blah today too. I am grouchy, tired and just not wanting to do MY work. I'm distracted and a bit headachy. What a whiner huh?

I want to go home and hide. Of course, I won't. We're going to the Y tonight to try it out. We aren't telliing Boo that's where we're going until we get there. We have tried talking "the gym" up to him, but he doesn't like the idea. We're going and going to cross our fingers that he doesn't FREAK and we can work out.

Okay....I'm now rambling and not making sense...so I'll go...excuse my post today

It must be the weather!

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off

and start all over again...


Started Clomid Saturday and will do another IUI. Dh has to have another SA to check his counts as they were down the last time. Fun times.

I must not be Irish enough.

Sigh.............


AF showed, 3 days early.

I guess being 1/4 Irish wasn't quite enough this cycle.

I'm putting in a call to the RE to see what we do next...blech.

Nail, Head....She hit it perfectly.....

Over at Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters, Mel wrote such an amazing entry that I just have to write about it. There are times when I read what she writes and wonder how she got into my head. This is one of those times.

We were in Iowa City yesterday for my Aunt's funeral. Any time we hear mention of Iowa City, it brings us back to our times there. We drove in and saw the sign for Bob's Your Uncle pizza, the place that made me feel sort of normal one difficult afternoon. We see the University come into view and it just takes us back.

Mel is right, Maybe wellness resolves prematurity, but it doesn't resolve the fears that accompany a NICU experience.

A week or so ago, someone asked on a message board that I belong to about her SIL who was diagnosed with IUGR and said that her SIL was 30 or so weeks along. She got all kinds of people telling her these great stories of how they know of someone who had a baby at 30 or 31 or 29 weeks and they were small but they are fine now. I know that she was looking for support, but I didn't think that was the right kind of suppport. I wanted to tell her about the issues that babies born that early face: RDS (respiratory distress syndrome), brain bleeds, intestinal issues, there are just so many things. She should be telling her SIL to be prepared. I think it's what saved me. If I had not known a little of what to expect (and I had been prepped by the nurses, I asked the tough questions.) I wouldn't have been able to survive at all.

See even if you KNOW that you won't be able to hold your baby, you still long to do so. Even though the nurses told me that there would be IV tubes in his stomach, tape over his face to hold the tubes in, machines everywhere, I wasn't prepared. I longed to see his face. Even though I knew he could have Brady episodes, the first time he stopped breathing and turned blue in front of me, my heart stopped. You can't be prepared enough. It's wrong to just tell the good stories.

Yes, Boo is fine now. He's funny and bright and a joy in my life. But we went through so much to get to this point. And we are lucky...so lucky that I can't help but wonder why. The things we have gone through will never be removed from our memory. The moment we sent him in that helicopter...24 hours old, not knowing what they would tell us when we saw him again, the calls in the middle of the night, bracing ourselves for the worst, waiting for test results, begging him to breathe, eat, LIVE... those things don't leave your memory, no matter how hard you try to erase them.

About a year ago, we took Boo for a HRI follow-up appointment. We decided to stop in the NICU. I walked in and just the smell overwhelmed me and brought tears. Not much had changed, there were poster of their miracle children on the wall. The smell was exactly the same. I decided not to go in, I couldn't quite do that, but it was good to go back.

See...Mel is right I think...We aren't meant to get over it. It's okay that it changes us. It's an experience that we went through that has made us so much stronger as a family.

I know you said

Can’t you just get over it

It turned my whole world around

And I kind of like it

Thanks for reminding me.

"Lucky" Me

According to the RE's office. We will be able to POAS on Saturday.

Yes, that's right. It's St. Patrick's Day. The day that little green men run around and grown up men drink until they turn green.

I'm undecided as to whether this is a sign or not. Is it just hope trying to pursuade me to get excited?

I was thinking about St. Patrick's day and I decided to look things up. I found this quote.

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." Oliver Goldsmith

So, should I go ahead and get my hopes up, but know that I'll have to summon the strength to get back up? I'm good at getting back up. I've done it before, I can do it again.

So, yes, I'll let that little spark of hope grow, but I'm going to also look for a 4 leaf clover and make a few wishes just in case.

Now the hard part.

The IUI went well on Saturday morning. No problems. I thought that we might have an issue getting the sample as Mr (who has never been known for his listening skills) didn't realize the time crunch OR that he was to collect the sample at home and take it to the office, didn't get back to the house until about 15 minute before we had to be at the office...EEK! I was good though, I didn't freak out. I just left him to his work and we got there on time. Thank God we don't live far from the office!

We left after the IUI to see Wicked in Chicago. We had such a wonderful time. I was on a high from the IUI. No really, I was. It was wierd as I'm not a giddy girl, but we had a great time on the drive, found the hotel easily and in general had a great time.

I loved Wicked! LOVE IT! The message, the warnings, the love story, the ...well all of it. It just make me smile. I smiled more this weekend than I have in a long time!

SO at 5PO, the waiting. Oh the waiting. I am hungry all the time, but other than that....ya know. Just waiting.

It's a PLUS....IUI tomorrow!

I'm skeered :O

I guess we are really doing this huh?

9am and then we get straight on the road to Chicago to see Wicked!!

Pray that the roads are clear.