Intense

I had my HSG today. I took the obligatory 800mg of Ibuprofin like I was told. I tried to relax. I really, honestly didn't think it would hurt.

It did though. I mean it REALLY hurt. Only for a few minutes, but I had tears in my eyes.

The radiologist said my tubes were "wide open" That's good new, right? We'll get the SA results back soon and I go in on the 12th for a blood draw for various tests.

Wow, this is really happening.

Here's the thing. (and I really need to just talk this out here) I haven't told my family any of this. They know we are working on biscuit2.0, but the have differing advice....

My mother says "it's a miracle you got pregnant with Boo with the DES and all, look at what happened with that"

My sister and SIL say "here's what you need to do, don't have sex for a month, then do it the whole next month, that will get you pregnant"

Now, my SIL is my best friend and has been for many years. I usually tell her everything, but for some reason, I just don't feel like telling her this stuff. I don't know why. I guess I assume that she'll tell me I'm being paranoid and silly. Or she'll tell me to relax. I just don't want to hear that, not right now. Yes, I know, I got pregnant before. Yes, I know, I was worried then too, but this is different. I've already surpassed the amount of time it took to concieve Boo. I'm older, my body has been through more. And I AM worried, and I think there is a problem and obviously so does Mr. and my Doc or the wouldn't do the tests. I'm confused about why I'm not sharing. I feel a little guilty.

That was fast

My OB made us wait. I knew in August that this was taking too long, but he said to wait until January, until a year. Even though I'm 35 (turned in Sept). Even though I'd been charting for a while, knew we were timing right and that I have potential problems, he said wait.

Then suddenly, I call, change my appointment to yesterday and here we go.

I'm officially on the IF bandwagon.

Today we dropped of a sample for semen analysis. I'm sure there is someone out there who can relate to the wierdness of getting a sample to a lab within 30 minutes. It's just...disconcerting..

Tomorrow I have my HSG. I have heard lots of stories of it being no big deal and lots of stories of "oh my GOD the pain" I have NO idea what to expect.

But here we go...this seems fast, it's not, but it seems like it!

EEEK.....Appointment moved up!

I called to reschedule my consultation with my OB on January 9th. I have committed to throwing a shower for a friend and the day that works best for everyone is January 9th at 4. My appointment was for 4:15.


I called adn the ONLY time they could get me in before FEBRUARY is December 27th! That would be approximately CD 3, so that's great. It means though that I'll be driving back from a family Christmas early to go to the appointment.


Now I'm skeered!

Good Intentions

I happened upon a note to a friend. This person, with the best of intentions, left a note for her letting her know how easy it is to get PG if you just follow her instructions. Simple....just do what she says and you'll be pregnant before you know it. It worked for her and for others, so it will surely work for YOU.

My friend has been trying for 18+ months to get pregnant, including a miscarriage during that time. She keeps pretty private about her struggle, even to those who inquire. I admire her for that in a way.

I'm too much of a blabbermouth and then regret it later...but that's not the point. She's been trying, it's obvious, but she doesn't tell everyone about it and she doesn't ask for advice. It's something she keeps to herself.

I'm sure this other person had the best of intentions, but I cringed when I saw that. I gasped outloud actually. My heart hurt for her....good intentions...

Something to think about...

I read Manuela's blog today. I'm not sure how I found her, but I did. Her blog has been the source of my introspection on several topics lately.

Mr. found out about a year and a half ago that his mother had been pregnant when his father met her. She gave the little boy up for adoption. Her mother, his grandmother supposedly knew, the rest of her family did not.

His father told ME this after she died. He left me with this knowlege before he got on a plane and flew out of town. In his defense, he was asking me if Mr. was ready/strong enough to know this. My first instinct is to protect him. It has been for a long time. He'd been through so much.

***backstory***
Mr. and I almost lost Boo before he was born. It had been a very trying, tiring summer. His mother was sick, very sick and we had been dealing with that. Our lives were changing in other ways that I'll get into another time. I was diagnosed with VP. His mother was doing a bit better, but was in some ways worse. She was so far away. We are in the midwest, she was in New Mexico/Texas.

I was air lifted to Iowa City, then sent home, then ended up back in the hospital, all between 28 and 30 weeks pg. Boo was born at 31 weeks. We then found out THAT night that his father (on the other side of the continent in Georgia) had had a massive heart attack. Boo was airlifted to Iowa city and was there for 6 long weeks. His mother died, the day we first were able to hold our son (and my birthday) one week after Boo was born.

Did I think he was ready to know he had a brother out there? My immediate response...no way in hell. That's what I told his father before he left that morning. By the time Mr. came home from work, I knew that no way in hell was I keeping this from him. I told him that night.

He didn't ask his dad about it until this time last year (this exact time, wow, I just got tears in my eyes) His dad gave him all the details he had in a very long phone call. It was the last long phone call he had with his father before he died.

We've talked a little about it. Does he want to look for this brother. His answer was "I don't know" After reading Manuela's POV, we've talked more about it. It was the basis of this wonderful conversation last sunday. The first we've really talked about it since he first found out.

I sent him Manuela's post today. His response.....In a way that’s some of what I fear if I ever meet my brother. And I have the whole “tell him everything about mom b/c he can’t meet her” deal. Along with the “ what if he’s a total leech/loser who had a horrible life and now wants to take it out on me b/c mom isn’t here” possibility. Kind of daunting….

Someone out there is going to send me nasty things, I'm sure (I flatter myself that anyone reads this, huh) It's his gut response to the idea of finding his "brother." It makes me angry, sad, and hurt for him all at the same time....

In my life, I didn't really consider myself affected by adoption. I am. In another way as well. More on that later.

Waiting.....

According to FF, I'm now 3dpo. Now comes the wait....what fun huh?

My projected test date is Christmas. Hmmmmm.......


Is it bad that I'm pessimistic about this cycle? I think it's that I don't want to get my hopes up. Why get all excited and plan things and all that? If it's a bust, I DO NOT want to ruin our holiday.

It should be a fun Christmas. The Boo is two and will totally love love LOVE all his gifts! I can't wait to see his eyes light up when he sees Santa has been here! The last thing I want to do is diminish that in any way.

I think I'm in that "I'm not hoping until I see the doctor and talk to him" stage.

Waiting.......

OPK +

Ya know, I am of two minds when it comes to OPK's. I always overanalyze and wonder if it is indeed a positive or not.

I had two +'s this weekend, so it's BD time at our house (it's wierd that I'm posting that, isn't it?)

If I get BFP this month, it will be just in time for Christmas. Not getting my hopes up yet.

Where to begin?

I am starting this blog, I guess as a record and a way to think out everything...

Here's a little about me.

I'm 35. I have a two year old son and want another child. I've been off BC since October of last year and we've been trying since last January, REALLY trying since May. You know: charting, OPK's, timing, accupuncture ...all that. And yet, nothing.

It took us 7m to get pregnant with The Boo. I knew it may be difficult then. My mom took DES when she was pregnant with me. My doctor says I'm one of the few of childbearing age that are still affected. Lucky me.

When I was PG with The Boo, I developed Vasa Previa. By a miracle and a very smart U/S tech, we caught it. He was born 9 weeks early, but is a healthy, happy, SMART little boy!

We'd like him to know the joy of having a sibling. We're trying.....but .....

Anyway, that's my story so far. More later.