By request....THE PUMPING INCIDENT

After Boo was born, I pumped. I pumped because it made me feel like I could do something. My boobs might not look like much, but they are small and mighty.

When I returned to school, I made arrangements to pump. The only semi-private place to pump here is the teacher's bathroom. Imagine a smallish room with a frosted glass door. Inside is an old couch covered in headache orange pleather. (I'm not sure it's pleather though, pleather would be too new for this) There is a small sink, a set of shelves on the wall and a wooden stall around the toilet. The door opens towards the couch. There is a lock on the door, I wanted a lock for privacy...little did I know.

Every day during my prep period, I'd head down to pump. I'd lock the door and set out my pump. Then I'd whip out the girls and go to town. By this time, I'd been exclusively pumping for 4 or so months. I could get 12oz of milk in 10 minutes. (efficient aren't I?)

One day, I was pumping and there was a knock on the door. I ignored it at first. They knocked again. I said "it's busy" which SHOULD mean, Hello, the door is locked, go away.

The knocking stopped and I thought nothing of it. There are several other restrooms to use, this is a school. A few minutes later, I hear a KEY IN THE LOCK! I frantically pull down my shirt over the horns, as when that door opens there will be a clear view of the girls to anyone walking by! !!!! She had gone down to get her master key and come right in!! WTF??

To top it off, as she comes in, she asks how Boo is doing, walks into the stall and tells me how I am obviously a great mom as I'm pumping and taking BM home to him. Thanks dear, compliments while you are peeing make even more of an impact!!

From then on, I changed my strategy. There is a laundry room on 3rd floor of the cooking room. No lock, but I'd put the chair against the door so no one could get in. My students never asked what I was doing every day when I'd walk in, pump, put the milk in the freezer, rinse out the bottles/horns and leave. They were busy watching movies unrelated to cooking (a whole other story)

I EP'd for 10 almost 11 months. Boo had milk to last him until he was 14 months.

A few random thoughts on pumping:

• Make sure you have all your parts.
• Never ever wear a one piece dress while pumping. Whipping them out ain't easy then and your booty gets cold!
• People make the oddest comments. The mailman made a comment to me about my milk one day as he saw me put it in the freezer!
• Find something to do while pumping. I never knit as much as when I pumped!

Random thoughts on a Blah Tuesday

• Want to confuse a large number of 7th graders? ( or just get a lot of attention) Change your hair color, go bold and they will be dazed for quite a while..
• Getting up 15 minutes late insures that your 2 1/2 year old will refuse all efforts to put clothes on and make him dawdle 10X as much as usual. He will refuse any and all bribes including (beep beep) M&M's.
• Hiding OPK's in your purse makes you feel like a criminal. Using them in the teacher's restroom makes you feel a little dirty. If a certain 8th grade teacher decides to barge in with her master key even though the door is locked, like she did while I was pumping 2 years ago, there may be blood. Be forewarned.
• There had better not be snow that keeps us from seeing Wicked in Chicago this weekend! I have waited long enough.
• School politics and infighting is all it's cracked up to be and more...and so entertaining to watch (not).
• Never go to the grocery store the evening before an ice storm, hungry and undecided about which warm comfort food to make. If you do, you'll surely come home with more than you need and not enough to make what you finally decide upon.
• Oatmeal raisin cookies have the ability to entertain.

Do I want this bad enough.....

Mr and I lay cuddled up a few nights ago. I was headachy, tired and just needed to snuggle. It was comfy and warm.

He asked me how I was feeling. I decided to be honest with him. I'm...well...unsure.

What if the reason for all of this is that I don't want it bad enough? Now, don't get me wrong, I want another child badly enough to: push my OB to do some tests, get an HSG, see and RE, start Clomid, do and IUI.

But

What if I don't want it ENOUGH?? Will I never be the same if Boo doesn't have a sibling to play with? Will I be able to live and love him, yes? Will I be able to be a good mother, yes. Will I feel like something is always missing. I, I don't know. Part of me says yes, part of me says no.

What if I wanted this more, felt the pain more physically? What if I am not emotionally invested enough in this? I know it's my coping mechanism. I come from "strong stock."

You know what I'm talking about, right? I come from the family where we don't fall apart. We just manage. We just do. A friend of mine went through a crisis a few years ago, she fell apart. she couldn't work, she didn't talk to anyone, she got mad when people enquired about her, she claims she couldn't even make dinner. (that's a whole other story) That's not me. We just go on, because if we don't, who will take care of things?

So I often beat myself up. I think that because I won't let myself get upset that I can't. I think, well, if I wanted this then I'd cry. I'd fall apart. I'd feel angry or hurt or longing. I remember feeling that way once upon a time. Before that stick turned and Boo was made. But since then, since the VP I can't.

So do I? Do I want this enough? Is that why?

Sleeping naked can help you get pregnant??

I started 50mg Clomid yesterday. I decided to Google and find out a little more about it. There's lots of interesting things out there.

Like this

Scroll down....read it carefully...the section about Hot Flashes.

YES...yes it DOES say:

Hot Flashes
Hot flashes are annoying, but also a part of the hormone game. You may experience them at any time during therapy but many women find they strike often at night. Cool showers, fans and sleeping in the nude (also good for getting pregnant) can all help you maintain a sense of calm during this period.

Well hell, if I knew THAT's all it took, I'd have taken my clothes off at night a LONG time ago!

A (small) wrench in the plans....

Mr dropped off a sample for SA yesterday.

What a lovely Valentine's gift for him to give!

"Here you go honey, for Valentine's day, I'd like you to watch some dirty movies, whack off and then rush it to the lab while making sure it stays warm even though it's below zero outside on your lunch hour. Can you do that for me?"

Yes, yes, Mr does in fact love me deeply. If that isn't proof enough, I don't know what is.

Today our nurse Wendy called us about the SA.

Mr's critical morphology is 6!

YAY!

His overall count is only 8.

BOOO!

We are still going to go ahead with The Plan though. Since Mr has been sick several times this winter, she thinks that his fever may have caused the low counts. Hopefully this won't screw things up too much.

So, a wrench, but a small one (at least I think it's small, I hope it's small. Please, let it be small!)

The PLAN

We met with the RE today. I like Dr. F. I like Wendy the nurse a LOT.

I liked some of what they had to say and didn't like some of it, but I am not in control.

Not being in control of a situation is very hard for me. I'm the one with the plans. I'm the one who figures out the directions, makes sure things are packed, figures out what to do first and next. That's who I am. It's my place in my family. I feel comfortable being in control.

Not being in control is like being lost in a snowstorm. (I'm looking at the storm raging outside, it looks like I felt) Now that we have a plan, I feel more in control.

What IS the plan exactly? Well....

If I'm not pregnant this cycle, which I will know by Saturday, we'll start Clomid and do an IUI this month. We'll do IUI's for 3 months, after which if we are not successful, we'll talk about IVF. We are very lucky that our insurance will pay for a portion of IUI's and IVF's.

We are in the percentage of those couples with unknown IF. It appears that I do ovulate, but Dr. F feels that Clomid will cover that base, just in case. Mr's counts are good, but we are going to do another SA just to get the type of numbers that Dr. F wants. The other lab only used WHO terms and Dr. F wants critical motility counts. My progesterone looks fine, FSH was fine as was TSH. I have carried a child before. It's that damn unknown.

The plan, well, the plan I like. I like that we have a place to go, to move towards. It's a little overwhelming, but it's okay.

It's okay.

Not Ready to Make Nice

This makes me cry, this song. It isn't about my life, but it IS in a way.

3 years ago, I made a decision to stand up for myself and say NO to someone. She made my life a living hell afterwards, during my pregnancy and Boo's birth.
When I first heard this song, I cried. It is how I feel. I wouldn't change that I stood up and said "no, you and your DH are bullies and I won't do what you say."

I'm not ready to make nice, and I never will be. I'll move on, but I won't ever ever forget.

Dixie Chicks
Not Ready To Make Nice

Forgive, sounds good.

Forget, I'm not sure I could.

They say time heals everything,

But I'm still waiting

I'm through, with doubt,

There's nothing left for me to figure out,

I've paid a price,

and i'll keep paying

I'm not ready to make nice,

I'm not ready to back down,

I'm still mad as hell

And I don't have time

To go round and round and round

It's too late to make it right

I probably wouldn't if I could

Cause I'm mad as hell

Can't bring myself to do what it is

You think I should

I know you said

Why can't you just get over it,

It turned my whole world around

and i kind of like it

I made by bed,

and I sleep like a baby,

With no regrets and I don't mind saying,

It's a sad sad story

That a mother will teach her daughter

that she ought to hate a perfect stranger.

And how in the world

Can the words that I said

Send somebody so over the edge

That they'd write me a letter

Saying that I better shut up and sing

Or my life will be over

I'm not ready to make nice,

I'm not ready to back down,

I'm still mad as hell

And I don't have time

To go round and round and round

It's too late to make it right

I probably wouldn't if I could

Cause I'm mad as hell

Can't bring myself to do what it is

You think I should

I'm not ready to make nice,

I'm not ready to back down,

I'm still mad as hell

And I don't have time

To go round and round and round

It's too late to make it right

I probably wouldn't if I could

Cause I'm mad as hell

Can't bring myself to do what it is

You think I should

Forgive, sounds good.

Forget, I'm not sure I could.

They say time heals everything,

But I'm still waiting

sigh

Not much going on right now. Our RE appointment isn't until next monday. We are filling out paperwork and getting that turned in to them.

I'm 4DPO and just BLAH.

Might be the horrendous weather, well below zero and snow on top of it all, as well as just the winter blues.

Two families we know welcomed little boys into the world last week.
Welcome Cooper and Noah!

It serves as a reminder that 9 months ago we started full on charting again and had hoped to have a child right about now.


sigh