I am so jaded

That I can't even hop on the "a line is a line" bus anymore. I have a friend who is seeing faint faint lines at 13dpo. Everyone is telling her she's pregnant and I can't.

It's not fair to her to do that...it just makes it worse if the line never gets darker.

But she doesn't know, no one does, that I've been there and didn't post those pictures. I didn't, for reasons I can't quite express without sounding to someone who hasn't been there like a huge huge bitch.

I think the elephant is in the room, but I can't talk about it quite yet.

Random thoughts floating through my head....

A woman I know from a mommy board I'm on just announced her BPF at 8dpo. She's already had 2 recent early early miscarriages. I don't know how I feel about this...maybe what gets me is the "I KNEW I was pregnant this time. I felt implantation and there was no question I'd be pregnant, but I NEVER expected the test to be positive this early!!!!" Why this bothers me...I have no idea. It just does.

In another board related thought...a friend of a friend's water broke at 20 weeks. Everyone is expressing their outrage that: "They said there is nothing they can do and if she has the baby in the next 48 hours, he'll die. If he makes it to 24 weeks, he'll be severely special needs. If she can make it to 36 weeks, he'll probably be okay. AND they don't put her on bedrest, tell her she can go to work today... I'm sorry but what the fuck kind of doctor does this????? " my thoughts...and it's just what I think...so I'm sure there will be those that disagree: I'm sorry, but if you do the research on it, her doctor...while not being kind about it...it correct...
Should he have put it that way, NO. BUT she does need to know the distinct possibilities of severe disabilities and even death. He is being responsible in telling her the true outcomes. She is only 20 weeks. Yes, there have been micro preemies that survive, but the outcomes for them are very very low.
YES there have been lots of infants that have survived prematurity but many have lasting effects, some severe, some mild.
Also, 20 weeks is MUCH MUCH MUCH different than 30 weeks. Even 24 weeks is a huge milestone in survival.
I'm very sorry that your friend is going through this, but let's realize that her doctor was being honest with her. Now I know this sounds harsh, but I hear all the time about how "I know a baby born early and they are fine..." My own son is caught up completely, but that is not to say that ALL babies born early are. I know a little girl born gestationally 5 days after Boo that has multiple physical disabilities. We are the exception, not the rule. Granted, there have been many advancements in medical ability but in the long run, preemies especially early preemies have many issues.

I need to figure out where my head is...I'm having a hard time keeping up with everything and being given a lot of school things to do at very short notice. It's frustrating.

I want a weekend with Mr. Our anniversary is coming up soon, I need some time with JUST him! Boo is wonderful but Mr and I need to reconnect as a couple too.

It's finally fall today! YAY!

Will AF be on time? I sure hope so...you know how I am about time schedules. It's the virgo in me.

My eggies are in the freezer

Retrieval was this morning. They took out 12 eggs. Of those, 9 made it to the petri dish to grow. Of those, six made it to the freezer. I'm tired but doing well.

Sleep well eggies, you have until November to rest. We'll cycle then and treat it as a FET. I thought we'd do that in October but our clinic isn't in UP time then, so November it is.

I bought MORE cake today *insert embarassed face* I seem to have a cake buying problem lately. I bought Boo 2 cakes and cupcakes. Today we stopped at my new favorite cake bakery and I got a piece of carrot cake (not eaten yet) and I picked out a black and white cake for my birthday tomorrow.....mmmmm

Important Dates!

Wednesday is my birthday...my THIRTY SIXTH birthday. With all this rush to get into the study, this is by far going to be a harder birthday than 35. Since May, I've been racing to beat this milestone. I think it's been hard for me to even anticipate my birthday because I've been trying to make sure I make the age cut off.

Funny, when we are anticipating 21 we want to get there so quickly. Now, if I could just stay in that 21-35 age limit a little longer...they don't tell you how quickly these "fertile years" are going to go and that we shouldn't waste them. That is the point of the study though, to provide women the option of freezing eggs and fertilizing them at a later date successfully. In that respect, I'm proud to be doing this.

Egg retrieval is set for Tuesday! I had 7 follicles over 16mm today. The study says that I could trigger tonight and do retrieval Monday but the clinic likes to wait a bit longer. So Tuesday it is!

There is a chance that since I'm the *first* to go through this that the head of the entire study will fly in for the retrieval. Miami is on our heels and for some odd reason, I really would feel special to be the first.

It's a darn good thing I took the whole day off!

But first things first: Opening his gift from his Godfather as soon as he got dressed today:

Boo is three!!

This will be a quickie as I have a ton of work to do for my class tonight and we are taking Boo out for his birthday at 4.

Because it took until 12:30 before I got out of there!

Okay....here goes:

I have FOURTEEN follicles growing! The protocol on the trial said I must have more 6 or more AND my E2 level needed to be over 500. We had to wait a while for the blood work to get back. My E2 level is 358. Michelle and the head doctor lobbied pretty hard for me. She said (and I quote) "We are not going down without a fight!"

I am the first person in the country to go through the trial so all the little questions are getting worked out on me. They had to call and talk with the trial people who had to discuss. While they were doing that, we made contingency plans to convert to a regular IVF if I got booted from the study. I talked with the financial lady and everything. It would be stupid to cancel the whole thing if I got booted b/c up to now everything has been paid for. So if we convert our OOP costs would be substantially less than regular IVF (even IVF with our ins)

I couldn't leave because if I wasn't booted, I had to get more meds to get me through. She couldn't give them to me until we go the go ahead.

BUT...about 12:15 Michelle came in with a HUGE smile on her face and WE ARE CLEARED!!!

They would have never cancelled me if this was a regular IVF and think my E2 levels aren't high because I'm on only one stim med and they usually do 2 different types.

EGG RETRIEVAL IS TENTATIVELY SET FOR MONDAY! We go in Saturday at the buttcrack of dawn to confirm and set up the retrieval appointment.

I AM SOOOOOO HAPPY I CAN'T STOP SMILING!!!

Big Day Tomorrow

Tomorrow is an important day.

First and foremost, It's Boo's THIRD birthday! He's such a great kid, even when he tries my patience. I adore this wonderful boy and am thankful every minute that he's alive.

Secondly and pretty importantly, I have an ultrasound and blood work tomorrow morning. My E2 has to be up to 500 to participate in the study. It was 93 yesterday. I am not really sure what that means..."must be at 500 for study purposes" Does it mean that I'm done? Does it mean since I technically started fertility injections before I turned 36 that we can try again? What does it mean?

I'm trying actively NOT to think about it. I can't DO anything about it. That's the killer, I can't DO anything about it! Sigh...let's go ovaries, get on the move.

I took the entire day off tomorrow. My U/S is scheduled for 8:45 in Iowa City. I will have to call and get blood work results tomorrow afternoon. I don't want to do that with a roomful of students and then have to deal with news and them. I am trying to be optomistic, but I also don't want to have to spend all tomorrow afternoon/evening having to hold either good or bad news in.

At least this way I can go with Boo and Mr for Boo's birthday dinner before my master's class!

Will you cross your fingers for me? (pretty please?)

Up a bit **but not enough** updated

E2 level: 93
Sticks on the arm: ONE YES>>One glorious stick and he drew blood! YIPEE

I will increase Gonal.F to 450 tonight and tomorrow. The thing is that I only have 450 left total! I talked with Michelle today and she'll get more for me...but that means another 2 hour trip to get it. I should have called her before huh?

Oh well, I'm going with being optomistic that the rising number is a sign of good things.


******************UPDATE*******************************************************'

If my E2 level isn't 500 by Wednesday I'm out of the study.

I am taking deep calming breaths and hoping for the best. 450 is the highest dose of Gonal F they can give me. Let's hope this works!

A beautiful saturday for a bruise....

We loaded up and headed to Iowa City for a blood draw today. We finally got there amid the football traffic.

I didn't get a good nurse. Since I had to go to the ER, I took what I could get, but MAN! One stick in my right hand, hurt like hell...no blood drawn, a bruise by the time I left. One stick in the crook of my left arm. She dug around for a bit and then pulled the needle out...bruise there too. THREE sticks in my left wrist with the thingie they use to start an IV with. THREE! Finally she got blood which then dripped on my hand and onto my new purse! Lovely huh?

We hit the mall in Coralville, hung out and had lunch. Then we shopped at our favorite food co-op and headed home.

I called the info line for results when I got home. Estradiol is only 31! NOT GOOD! They are increasing my Gonal.F to 375 tonight and tomorrow and I go back for more blood work on Monday.

This is the first time I've actually truly thought about this not working. My positive attitude took a severe hit this afternoon. I have to find a way to get it back...I'll work on that. The spotting from the low estrogen isn't helping much though.

Keep your fingers crossed for me will you? We've pushed pretty hard to get this far this soon and I don't have any idea what will happen if I don't respond well and they have to cancel. It might mean we are out of the study completely. I don't really want to think of that at all.

Therefore, tonight will be spent watching men bloody themselves on television with friends...how appropriate.

Linda and the Terrible No Good Very Bad Day

I started stims yesterday, after the day from hell.

I got up early and went to the gym. That was good. I was however extremely sore from the night before and got very little sleep, not in a great mood.

Boo was cranky and hard to get dressed. We finally get out the door and to the car when I realize there is no carseat in MY car. It's in the car Mr just drove to Georgia to get last weekend that his father left him a year and a half ago. I am not thrilled. So switch to the Volvo after hunting through the house for keys, forcing me to be late already.

I desperately need caffeine at this point. (did I spell that right? probably not) So I rush to get to McDonalds for my favorite iced coffee (vanilla, half of the cream and half of the flavoring) A former student takes my ATM card from me as I have NO cash on me. I still work with her mom. She then tells me "it's not approved" Okay....now I'm embarassed but need coffee!

I scrounge in the car and find change. I pull forward and am told "umm...we don't take German money" OMG! I am SOOOO embarassed/livid/mortified and freaked out by the fact that the change in this car (which I've never driven before) is only partially American that I can only mutter "well, I guess I'll have to get one another time then" and drive off. Not even pausing to get the 1.75 that IS American. (Good God, where is an embarassed face when you need one!?!) Bad idea since I left my water bottle in MY car and have no money to buy water at school or dinner before class that night.

I get to school. LIVID at Mr. for not checking the account before deciding LITERALLY the night before he left to drive across the damn country to pick up a car that he could have gone and gotten any time in the past 1 1/2 year, spending over 500.00 in gas/food/hotel to do so. I figured he had it worked out. Apparently NOT! I leave him a nasty voice mail that ends with something like "don't even think about calling to yell at me about this, I"m not going to answer"

It's 8:00 and not going well. My classroom is already 90 degrees. (see post below) I'm then informed that I have a parent meeting during first period. UMMM...I teach then! I am introducing the cloze reading technique. Thanks for the warning! I have to hand over things to another teacher to cover. It's not great but will do. The meeting went okay at least.

We are to have a 7th grade aud after lunch. We line our students up and wait for the 6th grade to leave. And wait, and wait. Two hundred hot, sweaty seventh graders in one hallway....waiting... this is going to be fun huh? The sixth grade finally heads out. We take our students into the swealtering gym and get them seated on the bleachers when the eighth graders begin to stream in. UMM...Hello! The eighth grade teachers say "well, our aud is supposed to be now, we are staying"

Then the fun really begins. Our new principal introduces herself and begins talking....and talking...and talking. Some choice tidbits of her speech...the word "expectations" is grossly overused. I believe I lost count after 3oX or so. Various soundbytes include "I don't know what you did in this school before, but I'm here now", "I can talk longer than you can", and my favorite...while answering questions about bullying (note to any administrator, do NOT answer questions during an assembly), the response "Well, DUH!"

The aud was supposed to be a 5-8 minute introduction. Actual time? 48 minutes of what I believe consisted of "blah blah blah EXPECTATIONS, blah blah blah RESPECT must be earned, blah blah blah EXPECTATONS"

My GOD did that actually HAPPEN???

Then we are to meet in our "focus groups" yet have not been told where/when. Turns out no one knows until after we are all doing other things...then must scramble to figure out where we are supposed to be...then go to the afterschool program, then master's class.....

Median temp of my classroom...92 degrees. Hours gone from my home....14. Tears shed before dropping into bed....many. A husband that makes it up to you by making mac and cheese, runny just the way you like it, because it's all you want at 9 pm....priceless.

We interrupt this post to gripe about things...

specific things actually.

I would like to gripe about the fact that my classroom was 90 degrees today.

We are not allowed to prop our doors open for circulation as it supposedly violates a fire code somewhere.

We recieved an email explaining it from downtown. It included these choice bits...

• 
  Do not prop doors open with wedges- either on the floor or between the hinges- all classroom doors are to be kept closed to prevent the spread of fire.
• Even on hot days doors should not be propped open- since we now “lock down” our buildings outside air comes in through the classroom windows and through the hvac system- we are not circulating air in the hallways. When you open the doors your fresh air is leaving the room and going into the hallway. Keeping your doors closed will keep the air moving in the room. We encourage the use of fans as well.

My doorstop was taken on friday because I had propped the door open before school to let the cool air in and forgot to close it once school started. I even got a choice smirk from our principal. (let's not go there) So today afterschool I found fire doors with doorstops holding them open and took one! OHHHHH I'm in TROUBLE!

As for the HVAC....that's a load of crap! It's at least 10 degrees cooler in the hallway! God forbid we let that COOL AIR into our rooms!

BLECH....Seventh graders plus 90+ degrees equals LOTS 'O STINK!

*************************************************************************************

In other news, I made record time this morning, averaging several miles (cough cough) about the speed limit. Estradiol is 16, I start stims tomorrow!

AF showed today! Tomorrow morning at the buttcrack of dawn or before I'll be headed up to Iowa City. I have to get there, have blood drawn, get my Gonal F and drive back to be at school no later that 8:10 am. Think I can make it??

It's late but I'll leave you with a teaser of stories to come from this weekend:

"On no Mom! I'm peeing all over"

"That policeman said 'drive carefully' Mom!"

"Dad, did you get the green car home yet?'